There are so many horror stories out there about nightmare in-laws, and while (thankfully) most relationships are a bit less dramatic, there might be some underlying tension between yourself and your partner’s parents, and their mother in particular.
If your mother-in-law seems a bit overbearing, expects to have a say in your relationship, or generally doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries, you’ll need to stand up to her in a way that’s respectful but assertive and doesn’t leave room for interpretation. Here are some things you can say to put her in her place without being rude.
1. “I appreciate your input, but we’ve decided to do it this way.”
You get that your MIL wants to give some practical advice or suggestions, and you’re fully prepared to take them on board. However, your life with your partner is yours to live, and you’ll be doing what’s right for you, even if it’s the opposite of what she thinks you should do.
2. “I understand you’re concerned, but I’m comfortable with my choice.”
Sometimes, your mother-in-law’s advice may come from a place of worry. Saying this validates her feelings while making it clear that you’re completely confident in your decisions. It’s particularly useful when dealing with personal things like career or lifestyle decisions.
3. “Let’s agree to disagree on this topic.”
If you’re clearly never going to see eye to eye on a particular issue, but you don’t want to fight, agreeing to disagree is probably the most peaceful way forward. It keeps things from getting even more heated and acknowledges the fact that you’re always going to be on different pages. Hopefully, she’s as prepared as you are to let it go.
4. “I’d prefer if you asked before making plans for us.”
If your mother-in-law has a habit of arranging family gatherings, outings, or other things without checking with you first to see if it’s okay, this is a good way to set a boundary. She’s not your personal secretary, nor does she get to decide your schedule for you. In future, she needs to ask before going ahead with things.
5. “Thank you for your offer, but we can manage on our own.”
When well-intentioned help feels more like interference, this is a great way to politely decline while making it clear that you’re fully capable of handling things on your own. This comes in handy when your MIL wants to do things like taking over childcare or household chores. If you’d rather handle things yourself, make that clear!
6. “I know you mean well, but that comment was hurtful.”
If you know for sure that your mother-in-law didn’t mean to be rude, disrespectful, or hurt your feelings, but she did those things anyway, call her out a bit by saying this. Intention and effect are not the same things, and if you took something she said badly, you should communicate that to her. Hopefully, she’ll be more thoughtful in the future.
7. “I’d appreciate it if you could respect our parenting decisions.”
Source: Unsplash Parenting is often a contentious issue with in-laws, so this is a good way of asserting your authority as a parent while still maintaining a respectful tone. It’s particularly useful when your MIL contradicts your rules or discipline methods in front of the children. As their grandparents, they play a pivotal role in your kids’ lives, but they don’t call all the shots.
8. “I understand that’s how you did things, but we’re doing it differently.”
You can accept that your MIL had a different way of going about things when she was your age, but times are different, and you’re different people, and she needs to respect that. Let her know that you’re not calling her out for being wrong, but you’re going to do things your way.
9. “I value our relationship and want to address this issue openly.”
When you know you need to have a serious conversation, but you don’t want things to get ugly or out of hand, this is a great way to open things. It lets them know that you want to set a respectful tone, but you want to be open and honest about what’s going on.
10. “I need some time to myself right now.”
This straightforward request for space is a must for maintaining personal boundaries, and it’s particularly useful during extended visits or in shared living situations. By clearly stating your need for alone time, you prevent resentment from building up due to lack of privacy.
11. “Please don’t compare us to other couples/families.”
Comparisons cause a lot of unnecessary stress and resentment, and there’s no reason for your MIL to be making them. Call her out by telling her directly that you don’t appreciate your relationship being compared to anyone else’s.
12. “I’d like to handle this myself, but I’ll ask if I need help.”
When your mother-in-law’s helpfulness veers into micromanagement, saying this can help you assert your independence while leaving the door open for you going to her in the future if need be. It’s a good response when you feel your competence is being questioned, whether in household management, childcare, or other areas.
13. “I understand you have strong feelings about this, but so do I.”
Your mother may feel really strongly about a particular issue, but so do you, and her feelings don’t automatically trump yours. Stand up for your own emotions, and make it clear that how you feel will always take precedence when it comes to making decisions about your own life.
14. “I appreciate your tradition, but we’re creating our own.”
When it comes to holidays, family customs, or cultural practices, this helps you respectfully diverge from established traditions. It shows that you appreciate the value of her traditions, while asserting your right to forge your own path as a family.
15. “I’m not comfortable discussing that. Let’s change the subject.”
This direct statement is useful when your mother-in-law broaches topics you consider too personal or inappropriate. It clearly sets a boundary while offering an easy way to move the conversation in a different direction. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to with her, no matter how much she might insist otherwise.
16. “I hear your concern. How can we find a solution that works for everyone?”
Taking a more collaborative approach can be effective when dealing with complicated family issues. It acknowledges her input while shifting the conversation towards problem-solving. By inviting her into the solution-finding process, you maintain assertiveness while also creating a sense of teamwork and togetherness. That’s a win-win scenario!
