Sometimes there are things you need to say to your partner that you know they really won’t want to hear.
Whether it’s a valid criticism of their behaviour, honesty about negative feelings you’re having towards them, or something else entirely, there will come times when you’ll need to say hard things to your partner. Here’s how to do it in a way that’s respectful and kind — as much as possible, anyway.
1. Start by acknowledging your partner’s feelings.
Before diving into a tough topic, take a moment to recognise your partner’s emotional state. You could say, “I know you’ve been under a lot of stress lately, and I want to talk about something that’s been on my mind.” This shows you’re considerate of their feelings and sets a tone of empathy for the conversation ahead.
2. Use “I” statements to express your concerns.
When addressing issues, frame your thoughts from your perspective rather than pointing fingers. Instead of saying, “You always forget important dates,” try, “I feel hurt when our anniversary isn’t remembered.” This way, you prevent your partner from feeling attacked and encourages them to listen more openly to your feelings.
3. Choose the right time and place for serious discussions.
Timing can hugely impact how a message is received. Avoid bringing up sensitive topics when your partner is tired, stressed, or distracted. You could try something like, “I’d like to talk about something important. Is now a good time, or would you prefer to set aside some time later?” By saying this, you respect their current state and make sure you both can engage fully in the conversation.
4. Be specific about behaviours rather than making generalisations.
When addressing issues, focus on specific instances rather than broad statements. Instead of saying, “You’re always messy,” try, “I noticed the dishes have been left in the sink for a few days. Could we talk about our cleaning routine?” It feels less accusatory and provides a clear starting point for discussion and potential solutions.
5. Express appreciation before addressing concerns.
Begin the conversation by highlighting something positive about your partner or relationship. You could say, “I really appreciate how hard you work for our family. I’d like to talk about finding more time for us.” It’s a great way to set a positive tone and reminds your partner that you value them, even when bringing up tough topics.
6. Ask for your partner’s perspective on the situation.
Instead of assuming you know all the facts, invite your partner to share their view. You might say, “I’ve noticed we’ve been arguing more lately. What are your thoughts on why this might be happening?” This shows you value their input and are open to understanding their perspective, which can lead to more productive discussions.
7. Use gentle honesty when discussing sensitive topics.
When addressing delicate issues, be truthful but kind. For instance, if discussing intimacy concerns, you could say, “I care deeply about our connection, and I’d like to talk about ways we could improve our physical intimacy.” You get to maintain honesty while showing consideration for your partner’s feelings.
8. Offer solutions alongside your concerns.
When bringing up problems, try to come prepared with potential solutions. You might say, “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately. Would you be open to having a weekly date night?” It sends the message that you’re not just complaining, but actively trying to improve the situation, which can make your partner more receptive.
9. Use a ‘compliment sandwich’ for constructive criticism.
When offering feedback, start and end with positive comments. For example, “I love how passionate you are about your work. I wonder if we could find a way to balance that with more family time. Your dedication is inspiring, and I’d love to see more of it at home, too.” This helps soften the impact of criticism and reinforces your appreciation for your partner.
10. Express your needs clearly and directly.
Sometimes, the kindest approach is to be clear about what you need. Instead of hinting or hoping your partner will guess, try saying, “I need more emotional support when I’m dealing with work stress. Could we talk about ways you could help?” Directness, when delivered gently, can prevent misunderstandings and help your partner understand how to support you better.
11. Acknowledge your own role in the situation.
Taking responsibility for your part in any issue can make your partner more receptive to discussion. You might say, “I know I’ve been distracted with work lately, and that’s probably contributed to our communication issues. I’d like us to work on this together.” This shows humility and a willingness to be part of the solution.
12. Use ‘we’ language to emphasise partnership.
Framing challenges as shared problems can create a sense of teamwork. Instead of saying, “You need to be more responsible with money,” try, “I think we could benefit from creating a budget together. What do you think?” This approach emphasises that you’re in this together and want to find solutions as a team.
13. Practice active listening during difficult conversations.
Show your partner you’re truly hearing them by repeating back what they’ve said. You might say, “So what I’m hearing is that you feel overwhelmed by household responsibilities. Is that right?” Going about things this way ensures you’ve understood correctly and makes your partner feel heard and validated.
14. Express gratitude for their willingness to discuss tough topics.
Acknowledge the courage it takes to engage in difficult conversations. You could say, “Thank you for being open to talking about this. I know it’s not easy, and I really appreciate your willingness to work through it with me.” Expressing gratitude can encourage open communication in the future.
15. End the conversation with affirmation and next steps.
Conclude tough talks by reaffirming your commitment and outlining actionable steps. You might say, “I’m grateful we could discuss this. I love you, and I’m committed to working on this together. Shall we check in next week to see how we’re both feeling?” This approach ends the conversation on a positive note and provides a clear path forward.
