Relationships should feel like a breath of fresh air, not a cage.
If your partner’s behaviour is making you feel trapped or suffocated, it’s important to take a step back and assess the situation. A healthy relationship is built on trust, respect, and mutual support, not control and manipulation. So, if you’re feeling controlled, don’t ignore those feelings. Here’s what you can do next.
1. Acknowledge the red flags.
Source: Unsplash Sometimes, we can be in denial about red flags in our relationships, especially if we’re deeply invested. Take a step back and look at your partner’s behaviour objectively. Are they constantly criticising you, making decisions for you, isolating you from your friends and family, or monitoring your every move? These are all signs of controlling behaviour and should not be ignored. Acknowledging the red flags is the first step towards addressing the issue and finding a solution.
2. Don’t blame yourself.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame when you’re in a controlling relationship. You might start to question your own judgement, your decisions, or even your sanity. Remember, controlling behaviour is never your fault. Your partner’s actions are a reflection of their own insecurities and need for control. Don’t let them manipulate you into thinking otherwise. You deserve to be treated with respect and love, not control and manipulation.
3. But clear, firm boundaries in place and don’t let them slide.
One of the most important things you can do is to set clear boundaries with your partner. This means communicating your needs and expectations clearly and firmly. Let them know what behaviours you will not tolerate and what consequences will follow if they cross those boundaries. This may be difficult at first, but it’s essential for establishing a healthy and respectful dynamic in your relationship.
4. Talk to close friends and family members, who can provide support.
Talk to people you trust about what you’re going through. Their support and perspective can be invaluable during this difficult time. They can offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and practical advice. They can also help you see the situation more clearly and make informed decisions about your next steps. Remember, you’re not alone in this. There are people who care about you and want to help.
5. Consider professional help.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure of how to proceed, consider talking to a professional. A therapist or counsellor can provide a safe space for you to explore your feelings and develop strategies for dealing with the situation. They can also help you understand the dynamics of controlling behaviour and empower you to make healthy choices for yourself.
6. Prioritise your safety.
If you feel threatened or unsafe in any way, prioritise your safety. This may mean leaving the relationship temporarily or permanently. It may also mean getting a protection order or contacting the authorities if necessary. Your safety and health are paramount, and you should never feel obligated to stay in a situation that puts you at risk.
7. Don’t try to change your partner.
While it’s natural to want to help your partner change their behaviour, it’s important to remember that you can’t force someone to change if they don’t want to. The decision to change must come from within. Instead of trying to fix your partner, focus on taking care of yourself and setting healthy boundaries. If your partner is truly committed to changing, they will get help on their own.
8. Trust your instincts.
If something feels off in your relationship, don’t ignore your gut feeling. Your intuition is often a powerful tool for detecting unhealthy dynamics. If you feel uncomfortable, manipulated, or controlled, listen to those feelings and take action to protect yourself. Don’t second-guess yourself or let your partner convince you that you’re overreacting. Trust your instincts and prioritise your well-being.
9. Document any instances of controlling behaviour.
If your partner is exhibiting controlling behaviour, it’s important to document it. This could include keeping a journal of specific incidents, saving text messages or emails, or even recording conversations if you feel safe doing so. This documentation can be helpful if you decide to get legal counsel or an injunction. It can also serve as a reminder of your partner’s behaviour patterns and help you make informed decisions about your relationship.
10. Don’t isolate yourself.
One common tactic used by controlling partners is to isolate their victims from friends and family. They may discourage you from seeing loved ones, criticise your relationships, or even make it difficult for you to spend time with others. Don’t let this happen. Maintain your social connections and lean on your support network for strength and encouragement. Spending time with loved ones can remind you that you’re not alone and that you have people who care about you.
11. Educate yourself about controlling behaviour.
The more you understand about controlling behaviour, the better equipped you’ll be to deal with it. Read books, articles, or websites that offer information and resources on the topic. You can also look for support groups or online forums where you can connect with others who have experienced similar situations. Learning about the signs of controlling behaviour can help you identify them more easily and take appropriate action.
12. Focus on your own needs and wellness.
In a controlling relationship, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and desires. Take some time to reconnect with yourself and put yourself first. Do things that make you happy, spend time with loved ones, and take care of your physical and mental health. Remember, you deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Don’t let your partner’s controlling behaviour dictate your life.
13. Be prepared for backlash.
When you start setting boundaries or challenging your partner’s control, you might face resistance or even backlash. This is a normal reaction, but it’s important not to give in. Stand your ground and remain firm in your convictions. If your partner becomes verbally or physically abusive, remove yourself from the situation and get help immediately.
14. Have a safety plan in place.
If you’re planning to leave a controlling relationship, it’s crucial to have a safety plan in place. This could include securing a safe place to stay, having a trusted friend or family member on standby, and packing a bag with essential items. You may also want to consider talking to an attorney or filing a protection order if you feel threatened or unsafe. Having a plan can give you the confidence and security you need to take the necessary steps to leave a dangerous situation.
15. Know that it’s not your job to fix them.
It’s not your responsibility to fix your partner or change their behaviour. The only person you have control over is yourself. Focus on taking care of your own needs and making decisions that are best for you. If your partner is truly committed to changing, they will get help on their own. But don’t wait around for them to change. You deserve to be in a healthy and respectful relationship, and you don’t have to settle for anything less.
16. Remember, you are not alone.
If you’re in a controlling relationship, know that you’re not alone. There are many resources available to help you, including support groups, hotlines, and counselling services. Reach out for help and support, and don’t be afraid to speak up. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved, respected, and valued.
