When you think you know someone and then something happens, and you realise you really didn’t, it’s incredibly jarring.
It can shake your faith in your own judgment and make you feel like you simply can’t trust anyone. But how do you know if the impression you have of someone is totally off-base? If you notice these signs, that great person you think you know isn’t what they seem.
1. Their actions don’t match their words.
They might talk a big game about their values, beliefs, or intentions, but their actions tell a different story. This could be as simple as promising to help you with something and then never following through, or as serious as proclaiming to be an ally for a cause while actively working against it.
2. They consistently put their own needs above yours.
Everyone has their moments of selfishness, but if someone consistently prioritises their own needs and desires over yours, it’s a red flag. This could manifest as always choosing the restaurant they want, ignoring your feelings in favour of their own, or constantly asking for favours without ever reciprocating. Healthy relationships involve compromise and mutual respect.
3. They dismiss or invalidate your feelings.
When you express your feelings, do they listen attentively and offer support, or do they brush you off, downplay your concerns, or make you feel like you’re overreacting? If someone consistently dismisses or invalidates your feelings, it’s a sign they may lack empathy and respect for your emotional health. It’s a frustrating and pointless process.
4. They lie or withhold information from you.
Honesty and transparency are the cornerstones of trust in any relationship. If someone is constantly lying to you, even about small things, or withholding information that is relevant to you, it destroys the foundation of trust. How can you have a relationship with someone like that?
5. They gossip or talk badly about people behind their backs.
If someone is constantly gossiping about people or talking rubbish about people behind their backs, it’s a sign that they may not be as trustworthy or kind as you thought. It also raises the question of what they say about you when you’re not around. Gossip is like a toxic gas – it spreads negativity and pollutes relationships.
6. They take more than they give in the relationship.
Healthy relationships involve a balance of give and take. If someone is constantly taking from you – whether it’s your time, energy, resources, or emotional support – without reciprocating, it can create a sense of resentment and imbalance.
7. They’re inconsistent in their behaviour and emotions.
If someone is hot and cold, kind one day and cruel the next, it can leave you feeling confused and unsure of where you stand. This inconsistency can be a sign of deeper emotional issues or manipulative tendencies. It’s like trying to navigate a maze blindfolded – you never know what’s coming next.
8. They try to control your behaviour, choices, or social circle.
Controlling behaviour is a major red flag in any relationship. It can manifest as subtle manipulation, such as guilt-tripping or passive-aggressive comments, or more overt attempts to dictate your actions or choices. Healthy relationships involve mutual respect and the freedom to be yourself.
9. They blame you for their problems or mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes, but someone who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions and instead blames you for their problems is not someone you want in your life. This behaviour is not only unfair, but it also shows a lack of maturity and self-awareness.
10. They disrespect your boundaries or values.
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, and someone who consistently disregards your boundaries or belittles your values is not respecting you as a person. This could manifest as making fun of your beliefs, pressuring you to do things you’re not comfortable with, or invading your personal space. Respect is a two-way street.
11. They don’t celebrate your successes or achievements.
A true friend or partner should be your biggest cheerleader, celebrating your wins and supporting you through your challenges. If someone consistently downplays your achievements, acts indifferent to your successes, or even feels threatened by them, it’s a sign that they may not have your best interests at heart.
12. They make you feel bad about yourself.
No one should make you feel bad about yourself, period. If someone is constantly criticising you, putting you down, or making you feel like you’re not good enough, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. Healthy relationships should uplift and empower you, not leave you feeling drained and insecure.
13. They don’t apologise or take responsibility for hurting you.
Everyone makes mistakes, but a sincere apology and a willingness to take responsibility are crucial for repairing relationships. If someone hurts you and refuses to apologise or acknowledge their wrongdoings, it’s a sign they may not value your feelings or the relationship itself.
14. Your gut tells you something is off.
Sometimes, the most telling sign that someone isn’t who you thought they were is simply a gut feeling. You might not be able to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong, but something just feels off. Trust your instincts. If you feel like something is amiss, it’s worth paying attention to those feelings and exploring them further.
15. Your relationship feels one-sided or draining.
If you find yourself consistently putting in more effort than the other person, or if you feel emotionally exhausted after spending time with them, it’s a sign that the relationship might not be as healthy or balanced as you thought. Healthy relationships should be reciprocal, where both parties feel supported and valued.
16. They reveal aspects of their personality that clash with your values.
As you get to know someone better, you might discover aspects of their personality that clash with your own values or beliefs. This could be anything from a difference in political views to a fundamental disagreement about what’s important in life. While it’s normal to have differences, if these clashes are significant and irreconcilable, it can be a sign that the relationship isn’t a good fit in the long run. It’s like trying to mix oil and water – they just don’t blend.
