The way you were raised makes a big difference to who you become as an adult. If you had a happy, supportive childhood, you’ll likely be a happy, well-adjusted grown-up. However, if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, it’s possible that you’ve been left with these negative qualities.
1. People-pleasing tendencies
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Growing up in a dysfunctional family often means constantly walking on eggshells, trying to keep the peace. This can turn you into a chronic people-pleaser who always puts everyone else’s needs before your own to avoid conflict or disappointment. It’s not being kind; it’s a survival tactic. Sadly, this can be incredibly draining for you over time, Psychology Today explains, and may eventually destroy your self-worth.
2. Difficulty trusting people
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If your family betrayed your trust repeatedly, it’s no wonder you struggle to trust other people. You’ve been conditioned to expect disappointment, making it hard to let people in and form deep, reliable connections. However, the truth is that not everyone will let you down. Sure, it’s important to guard your heart, but you also have to be willing to let the right people in once they’ve proven that their intentions are good.
3. A strong sense of independence
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When you couldn’t rely on your family, you learned to rely on yourself. While self-sufficiency is good, experiencing a lack of support early in life can lead to extreme independence. It’s not that you don’t need anyone; it’s that you’ve been taught not to depend on anyone. We all need a little help sometimes — don’t be afraid to ask for it when you need it.
4. Hyper-sensitivity to criticism
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No one wants to hear not great things about themselves, but most of us know that constructive criticism is just part of life and that it can actually be pretty useful. However, growing up in a critical environment makes you overly sensitive to any feedback that’s less than 100% positive as an adult. It’s not about wanting to be perfect; it’s about an ingrained fear of being judged or not being good enough.
5. Conflict avoidance
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If conflict in your family meant drama or danger, you likely avoid conflict at all costs now. This isn’t about being peaceful; it’s about a deep-rooted fear of conflict escalating into something worse. However, as Psych Central notes, this can have devastating effects on your adult relationships, as it means you’ll never face issues head-on and will instead allow them to fester and eventually destroy your otherwise good connections.
6. Anxiety and overthinking
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Living in a chaotic, unpredictable family environment can lead to chronic anxiety and overthinking. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always planning for the worst-case scenario. Of course, it doesn’t always come, but your fear that it might keep you from ever being truly in the moment and enjoying what’s right in front of you.
7. Strong empathy for others
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On the flip side, growing up in dysfunction can make you highly empathetic. You understand pain and struggle, and you find it easy to put yourself in other people’s shoes. You know that life can be really tough sometimes because you’ve experienced it yourself. This means you’re always able to offer support and sympathy to people who are having a hard time.
8. Difficulty expressing feelings
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If expressing your emotions was discouraged or punished in your family, you might struggle with this as an adult, Healthline notes. It’s not that you don’t feel anything at all — probably quite the opposite. However, you have fear and uncertainty about how to express those feelings because you don’t know if you have the tools to share them accurately, and you don’t want to do it “wrong.”
9. Low self-esteem
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Constant criticism or neglect from family can lead to chronic low self-esteem. You’ve internalized those negative messages and now struggle to see your true worth. Some serious work is needed to recognize all the amazing qualities you have and how much you have to offer the world. With hard work, you can develop a healthy sense of self.
10. Perfectionism
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Perfectionism often stems from a dysfunctional upbringing where love and acceptance were conditional on performance. You strive for perfection as a way to earn love and approval, and worry that if you don’t achieve the very best, you are somehow a failure who doesn’t deserve those things.
11. Fear of abandonment
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If you experienced abandonment in your family, it could lead to a deep-seated fear of being left again. This might manifest in clinginess in relationships or an overarching fear of being alone. Or, it might make you go in the complete opposite direction and avoid relationships altogether, since you’ve convinced yourself that everyone eventually leaves.
12. Resilience
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Having a tough childhood isn’t all bad. Growing up in a dysfunctional family can instil a strong sense of resilience. You’ve weathered storms and learned to survive in tough conditions, making you stronger than you realize. When you get knocked down, you get right back up again because that’s all you’ve ever known how to do.
13. Control issues
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Because your family life felt out of control, you might have developed a need to control everything else. It’s a way to compensate for the chaos and unpredictability you experienced growing up. It also helps you create some semblance of stability in which you’ll never be caught off-guard, Psych Central explains.
14. Skewed view of love and relationships
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Your perception of love and relationships is likely influenced by your dysfunctional family. You might confuse love with control, sacrifice, or conflict, leading to unhealthy relationship patterns. Learning what healthy partnerships looks like is difficult because you didn’t have it modelled for you in your formative years. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy healthy, fulfilling connections — it will just take work (perhaps with a professional therapist) to get there.
15. Boundary issues
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Either you have rigid boundaries as a protective measure, or you struggle to set any boundaries because you were never taught how. Getting a handle on healthy boundary setting can be a challenge when your family didn’t model it. However, setting boundaries is vital to protect yourself from those with less than noble intentions (and even from those whose intentions are good).
