Growing up, we all think our families are normal.
But as we get older and start comparing notes with friends, we realise that maybe our “normal” was a little…unique. If your family reunions felt more like an episode of Jeremy Kyle than a feel-good holiday film, it might be time for a reality check. Don’t get me wrong, every family has its quirks.
1. There’s a whole lot of unspoken tension and unresolved conflict.
Every family has disagreements, but in dysfunctional families, these conflicts simmer beneath the surface, never truly resolved. You might feel like you’re walking on eggshells, never knowing when the next explosion will happen. There’s a constant undercurrent of tension, making family gatherings feel more like a minefield than a celebration.
2. Communication is often passive-aggressive or downright hostile.
Forget about open and honest communication. In your family, messages are often delivered through snide remarks, backhanded compliments, or icy silence. Arguments can escalate quickly, and hurtful words are thrown around like confetti. You might find yourself dreading family gatherings because you know it’s going to be a battleground of passive aggression.
3. Boundaries are non-existent or constantly violated.
Your family members have no qualms about overstepping your boundaries. They might barge into your room without knocking, pry into your personal life, or offer unsolicited advice. There’s a lack of respect for individual privacy and autonomy, making you feel like you’re constantly being monitored or controlled.
4. You were often criticised, belittled, or shamed growing up.
Instead of offering support and encouragement, your family members were more likely to criticise your appearance, your choices, or your accomplishments. They might have belittled your feelings or made you feel ashamed of your imperfections. This constant negativity can leave you feeling insecure, unworthy, and doubting your own worth.
5. There was a lot of favouritism or unfair treatment.
Not all siblings are treated equally, and in dysfunctional families, favouritism can be rampant. One child might be the “golden child,” showered with praise and attention, while another might be the scapegoat, blamed for everything that goes wrong. This can create resentment, jealousy, and a sense of injustice that can linger for years.
6. Your family members struggled with addiction or mental health issues.
Addiction and mental illness can wreak havoc on families. Growing up in a household where these issues were present can be traumatic and leave lasting scars. You might have witnessed unpredictable behaviour, emotional outbursts, or neglect. This can make it difficult to form healthy relationships and trust people.
7. There was a lack of emotional support or affection.
Healthy families provide love, support, and affection. But in dysfunctional families, these basic emotional needs are often unmet. You might have felt neglected, unloved, or like your feelings didn’t matter. This can lead to feelings of loneliness, isolation, and difficulty forming close relationships.
8. Secrets and dishonesty were commonplace.
In dysfunctional families, secrets are often kept hidden, and honesty is a rare commodity. You might have been told to keep family matters private or to lie to protect the family’s image. This lack of transparency can create an atmosphere of distrust and suspicion, making it difficult to feel safe and secure within the family unit.
9. There was a history of abuse or neglect, whether physical, emotional, or verbal.
Abuse and neglect can take many forms, and they can have devastating consequences. Growing up in an abusive or neglectful environment can leave you with deep-seated emotional scars and a distorted sense of self-worth. It’s important to recognise that abuse is never your fault and to seek help if you’re struggling with the effects of past trauma.
10. You were parentified and had to take on adult responsibilities at a young age.
In dysfunctional families, children are often forced to grow up too fast. You might have had to take on adult responsibilities like caring for younger siblings, managing household chores, or even providing emotional support for your parents. This parentification can rob you of your childhood and leave you feeling overwhelmed and burdened.
11. You were constantly compared to your siblings or other family members.
Growing up, you might have felt like you were always in competition with your siblings or cousins. Your parents or relatives might have compared your achievements, looks, or personalities, creating a sense of rivalry and insecurity. This constant comparison can undermine your self-esteem and make it difficult to develop a healthy sense of self.
12. Emotional intimacy and vulnerability were discouraged or even punished.
Expressing your emotions was not something encouraged in your family. You might have been told to “toughen up,” “stop being so sensitive,” or to “keep your problems to yourself.” This emotional suppression can lead to difficulty forming close relationships, expressing your needs, and dealing with difficult emotions in a healthy way.
13. Your family members often used sarcasm or humour to mask their true feelings.
Sarcasm and humour can be great tools for coping with difficult situations, but when used excessively, they can become a way to avoid dealing with real emotions. If your family members constantly used sarcasm or humour to deflect from painful topics or to avoid expressing vulnerability, it could have created an environment where genuine connection and emotional intimacy were difficult to achieve.
14. You felt like you had to walk on eggshells around certain family members.
Certain family members might have been unpredictable, moody, or prone to outbursts. You might have felt like you had to constantly monitor your behaviour and avoid saying or doing anything that could trigger their anger or disapproval. This hypervigilance can be exhausting and lead to anxiety and a fear of conflict.
15. Your parents struggled to express their love or affection for you.
Love and affection are essential for a child’s development, but in dysfunctional families, these expressions might have been rare or conditional. Your parents might have been emotionally distant, critical, or even neglectful. This lack of love and affection can leave you feeling insecure, unworthy, and longing for validation.
16. You felt a sense of shame or embarrassment about your family.
You might have felt embarrassed or ashamed of your family’s dysfunction, fearing that other people would judge you or see you as damaged. This shame can lead to isolation, secrecy, and difficulty forming close relationships. It’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for your family’s dysfunction, and it’s okay to seek support and validation from other people.
17. You find it really hard to trust people or let them in.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family can make it difficult to trust people and form healthy relationships. You might have learned to be wary of intimacy, to keep your guard up, or to expect the worst from people. This can lead to isolation, loneliness, and a fear of vulnerability. It’s important to recognise that you’re not your family, and that you deserve to have healthy and fulfilling relationships.
18. You struggle with self-esteem and self-worth issues.
The constant criticism, neglect, or abuse you experienced in your family can leave you feeling insecure and unworthy. You might struggle with negative self-talk, compare yourself to other people, or feel like you’re not good enough. It’s important to challenge these negative thoughts, practice self-compassion, and seek professional help if needed.
19. You tend to attract or stay in unhealthy relationships.
Your early experiences in your family can shape your expectations and patterns in relationships. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you might be drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, controlling, or even abusive. It’s important to be aware of these patterns and to look for healthy and supportive relationships.
20. You have a tendency to take on the role of caretaker or fixer in your relationships.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family often forces children to take on adult responsibilities and care for their parents or siblings. This can lead to a pattern of over-giving and putting other people’s needs before your own. It’s important to recognise this tendency and to learn to set healthy boundaries and prioritise your own well-being.
