Families come in all shapes and sizes, with unique dynamics that might seem “normal” to those within them.
But sometimes, what feels normal might actually be a sign of dysfunction. I’m not here to point fingers or judge anyone, but rather to point out patterns that might be holding you back. Let’s gently explore some subtle signs that your family dynamic might not be as healthy as it could be.
1. There’s a lack of open communication.
Everyone keeps their feelings bottled up, tiptoeing around sensitive topics, or resorting to passive-aggressive remarks. Nobody feels comfortable expressing their true thoughts and opinions, leading to misunderstandings, resentment, and a lack of emotional intimacy.
2. Conflict is either avoided or explosive.
Either disagreements are swept under the rug, never to be resolved, or they erupt into full-blown arguments with shouting, insults, and hurtful words. There’s no middle ground, no healthy way to express differing opinions and find a compromise.
3. Boundaries are non-existent or rigid.
In a healthy family, everyone has a right to their own space, thoughts, and feelings. But in a dysfunctional family, boundaries might be blurred or overly rigid. This could mean parents being overly involved in their children’s lives, or family members feeling suffocated and unable to assert their individuality.
4. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
You constantly worry about saying or doing the wrong thing, afraid of triggering someone’s anger or disapproval. You feel like you have to censor yourself and put on a facade to avoid drama or upsetting people.
5. Love and affection feel conditional.
You feel like you have to earn love and approval through good behaviour, achievements, or fulfilling certain expectations. You don’t feel loved or accepted for who you are, but rather for what you do or how you perform.
6. There’s a lack of emotional support.
When you’re feeling down or going through a tough time, you don’t feel like you can turn to your family for comfort or support. You might feel dismissed, judged, or told to “just get over it.” Emotional needs are often ignored or invalidated.
7. Secrets and denial are common.
Problems are swept under the rug, mistakes are never acknowledged, and difficult emotions are never discussed openly. There’s a culture of silence and denial, which prevents healing and growth.
8. You feel like you don’t truly belong.
You might feel like an outsider in your own family, like you don’t fit in or truly belong. You might have different values, interests, or personalities than the rest of your family, and you feel like you’re not accepted or understood for who you are.
9. There’s a lot of unresolved trauma or conflict from the past.
Maybe there was a major event, like a death, divorce, or addiction, that was never properly addressed. Or perhaps there are long-standing grudges and resentments that continue to fester beneath the surface. This unresolved baggage can create a toxic atmosphere and prevent the family from moving forward.
10. You feel like you can’t be yourself.
You feel like you have to hide parts of yourself or suppress your true identity to fit in with your family. You might feel pressured to conform to certain expectations or roles, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness and authenticity.
11. Criticism and judgment are constant.
Family members are quick to point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings. You rarely hear words of encouragement, praise, or validation. You feel like you’re constantly being evaluated and found wanting.
12. There’s a lack of respect for individual differences.
Family members might mock, belittle, or dismiss your opinions, beliefs, or choices. They might try to pressure you into conforming to their way of thinking or doing things. You don’t feel like your individuality is valued or respected.
13. You feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
You might feel like it’s your job to keep everyone happy, to mediate conflicts, or to fix other people’s problems. You feel guilty or responsible if someone is upset, even if it’s not your fault. You might even try to control other people’s behaviour to avoid conflict or maintain peace.
14. There’s a lack of trust.
You might feel like you can’t trust your family members to keep your secrets, to have your back, or to support you unconditionally. You might feel like you have to be careful what you say or do around them, for fear of being judged, criticised, or betrayed.
15. You dream of escaping.
You might fantasise about leaving your family behind, starting a new life, or simply distancing yourself from them. You might feel like you can’t truly be happy or fulfilled as long as you’re tied to this dysfunctional dynamic. That pretty much tells you all you need to know.
