Sometimes, the people closest to us can be the ones who unintentionally hurt us the most.
If you’ve ever felt a lingering sense of unhappiness around your parents, you might be dealing with subtle signs of toxicity (even if they claim to mean well). Here are some red flags to beware of — and if you notice them, to start dealing with ASAP so they don’t cause further damage.
1. They constantly criticise and belittle you, even in seemingly harmless ways.
Maybe they make jokes about your appearance, career choices, or relationships that leave you feeling hurt and insecure. Perhaps they offer backhanded compliments or talk about how you’re lacking in comparison to someone else (a sibling, a friend’s child, etc.). Over time, this constant negativity can knacker your self-esteem and make you doubt your own worth.
2. They dismiss or invalidate your feelings and experiences.
When you try to share your emotions, they claim that you’re overreacting, being too sensitive, or that your problems aren’t that important. They downplay or totally brush off your pain or try to talk you out of feeling the way you do. This invalidation can leave you feeling unheard, misunderstood, and even crazy.
3. They make you feel guilty for setting boundaries or expressing your needs.
If you try to assert your independence or set limits on their behaviour, they guilt-trip you, accuse you of being selfish, or threaten to withdraw their love and support. This can make it hard to look after yourself and maintain healthy boundaries.
4. They control your life choices and decisions.
They have a hard time letting go and respecting their adult children’s autonomy. They try to dictate your career path, your relationships, or even your hobbies. They give advice you never asked for and don’t want, criticise your choices, or use emotional manipulation to steer you in the direction they want.
5. They play favourites and create unhealthy competition among siblings.
If you have siblings, you might have experienced the pain of being compared to them or feeling like you’re constantly competing for your parents’ love and approval. Toxic parents often openly favour one child over another, creating resentment and tension within the family dynamic.
6. They use emotional blackmail or manipulation to get their way.
They use guilt, shame, or fear to manipulate their children into complying with their wishes. They threaten to withhold affection, financial support, or even disown you if you don’t do what they want. This can leave you feeling trapped and powerless.
7. They create a sense of obligation or indebtedness in you.
They constantly remind you of all the sacrifices they’ve made for you, making you feel like you owe them your unwavering loyalty and obedience. They guilt-trip you for not visiting often enough, not calling them enough, or not living up to their expectations.
8. They’re overly critical of your partner or friends.
Toxic parents usually disapprove of your partner or friends, finding fault with their appearance, personality, or background. They make snide comments, express their disapproval openly, or try to undermine your relationships. This can create tension and conflict, making it difficult to maintain healthy connections outside of the family.
9. They make you feel responsible for their emotions.
They say things like, “You’re making me so angry/sad/disappointed,” shifting the blame for their emotions onto you. They guilt-trip you for not being happy enough, successful enough, or attentive enough to their needs. This can create a burden of responsibility and make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them.
10. They invade your privacy and personal space.
Toxic parents have no qualms about snooping through your belongings, or eavesdropping on your conversations. They show up unannounced at your home or bombard you with calls and texts. This disregard for your privacy can be incredibly invasive and make you feel like you have no control over your own life.
11. They undermine your relationships with other people.
If you have a partner, friends, or other family members who support you, your parents try to undermine those relationships. They make negative comments about the other people you love, sow seeds of doubt in your mind, or try to isolate you from them. This can leave you feeling torn and unsupported.
12. They gaslight you or deny your reality.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone makes you doubt your own perceptions, memories, or sanity. Toxic parents usually deny saying or doing hurtful things, twist your words, or accuse you of being overly sensitive or dramatic. This can leave you feeling confused and unsure of yourself.
13. They use money or gifts as a means of control.
They offer to help with money or give you lavish gifts with strings attached. They usually expect you to follow their advice, meet their expectations, or reciprocate with excessive gratitude. This can create a sense of indebtedness and make it difficult to assert your independence.
14. They make you feel like you’re lacking in comparison to other people.
They constantly compare you to your siblings, cousins, friends, or even strangers, highlighting their achievements and pointing out your shortcomings. This can create feelings of inadequacy and make you feel like you’re never good enough.
15. They create drama and chaos in your life.
Toxic parents thrive on drama and conflict. They start arguments, spread rumours, or create unnecessary problems just to keep you engaged and dependent on them. This can be exhausting and emotionally draining, leaving you feeling like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.
