Parenting doesn’t stop when your kids become adults.
In fact, it can get even trickier as they navigate their own lives and sometimes try to get what they want from you. Unfortunately, some grown children resort to manipulation tactics, tugging on your heartstrings and exploiting your love to get their way. These manipulative phrases can be hurtful and confusing, but recognising them is the first step to setting healthy boundaries.
1. “If you really loved me, you would…”
This is a classic guilt trip, designed to make you feel like a bad parent if you don’t comply with their demands. It’s a way of bypassing reason and logic by appealing to your emotions. Remember, love doesn’t mean always saying yes. You can still love your child while setting healthy boundaries and making decisions that are in everyone’s best interest.
2. “You’re the only one who understands me.”
This phrase is designed to isolate you and make you feel like you’re the only person who can help them. It can be flattering, but it’s also a way of manipulating you into taking their side or enabling their behaviour. Remember, your child is an adult who needs to learn to take responsibility for their own actions and get support from a variety of sources.
3. “I’m so stressed out, I don’t know what to do.”
While it’s important to be supportive, this phrase can be used to guilt-trip you into offering financial assistance or taking on their responsibilities. If your child is genuinely struggling, offer your support and guidance, but don’t let them manipulate you into solving their problems for them.
4. “Everyone else’s parents let them…”
This comparison tactic is often used to make you feel like you’re being unfair or overly strict. While it’s important to consider your child’s perspective, don’t let them guilt-trip you into making decisions you’re not comfortable with. You know your child best, and you have the right to set boundaries and expectations that align with your values.
5. “You’re ruining my life!”
This exaggerated statement is designed to evoke guilt and make you feel responsible for your child’s unhappiness. While it’s important to be empathetic, don’t let them blame you for their choices or circumstances. Encourage them to take ownership of their lives and find solutions to their problems.
6. “I’m going to be homeless if you don’t help me.”
This is a fear-based tactic that preys on your love and concern for your child. While it’s natural to want to protect your child from hardship, it’s important to assess the situation objectively and offer support that is both helpful and sustainable. Don’t let fear dictate your decisions or enable irresponsible behaviour.
7. “You never listen to me.”
This accusation is often used to shut down communication and deflect responsibility. If your child is genuinely feeling unheard, encourage open dialogue and active listening. But if this phrase is used as a manipulation tactic, don’t take the bait. Stay calm, reiterate your boundaries, and redirect the conversation towards a more productive outcome.
8. “You’re the reason I’m like this.”
Blaming you for their problems or shortcomings is a classic manipulation tactic. While your parenting choices undoubtedly played a role in shaping your child’s development, they are ultimately responsible for their own actions and choices as adults. Don’t let them shift the blame onto you or make you feel responsible for their issues.
9. “I’m going to move back in if you don’t…”
This threat can be a powerful weapon of manipulation, especially for parents who are concerned about their child’s well-being. However, giving in to this ultimatum can create a pattern of dependency and resentment. Instead, offer support and resources that empower your child to find their own solutions and maintain their independence.
10. “You never did anything for me.”
This exaggerated accusation is designed to make you feel guilty and question your parenting choices. While no parent is perfect, it’s important to remember all the sacrifices, you’ve made and the love you’ve poured into raising your child. Don’t let this manipulative phrase make you doubt your worth as a parent.
11. “I’m so ashamed of you.”
Shame is a powerful emotion that can be used to control and manipulate. If your child uses this phrase, they are trying to make you feel responsible for their actions or choices. Remember, you are not responsible for their behaviour, and you should not allow them to use shame as a weapon against you.
12. “You’re the reason I’m not successful.”
This blame-shifting tactic is designed to make you feel guilty for your child’s perceived failures. While your parenting choices may have played a role in their development, ultimately, they are responsible for their own successes and failures as adults. Don’t let them use you as a scapegoat for their lack of motivation or effort.
13. “I’m cutting you out of my life.”
This threat is a form of emotional blackmail, designed to make you comply with their demands out of fear of losing them. It’s important to remember that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and communication, not threats and ultimatums. If your child is resorting to this tactic, it’s a sign that they need to learn healthier ways to express their needs and emotions.
14. “You don’t understand what I’m going through.”
While it’s true that you might not fully understand your adult child’s experiences, dismissing their feelings or concerns can be hurtful and invalidating. Instead, try to be empathetic and offer your support. Listen to their perspective, ask questions, and validate their emotions. Even if you don’t have all the answers, simply being there for them can make a world of difference.
15. “I hate you.”
This phrase can be incredibly painful for parents to hear, but it’s important to remember that it’s often said in the heat of the moment and doesn’t necessarily reflect their true feelings. Try to remain calm and avoid reacting defensively. Instead, offer your love and support, even if they’re not ready to accept it in that moment. Let them know that you’re there for them, no matter what.
16. “You’re always taking [sibling’s] side.”
Sibling rivalry can continue well into adulthood, and some children might try to manipulate you by playing the victim or accusing you of favouritism. It’s important to remain neutral and fair in your interactions with your children. Avoid taking sides or getting involved in their conflicts. Encourage them to resolve their issues directly with each other.
17. “You owe me.”
This entitlement mentality can be a major source of conflict in parent-child relationships. While it’s true that you have a responsibility to provide for your children while they’re growing up, that doesn’t mean you owe them everything they want or need as adults. It’s important to set boundaries and expectations around financial and emotional support. Encourage them to be self-sufficient and responsible for their own lives.
18. “You’re embarrassing me.”
This phrase is often used to control your behaviour or make you feel ashamed of yourself. Your adult children might criticise your appearance, your lifestyle choices, or even your opinions. It’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for their embarrassment and that you have the right to be yourself. Don’t let their insecurities dictate your actions or choices.
19. “I’m never talking to you again.”
This threat is a form of emotional manipulation, designed to make you feel guilty or afraid of losing them. While it’s important to take their feelings seriously, don’t let this threat control your behaviour or decisions. If they need space, give it to them. But don’t let them use this tactic to manipulate you into doing what they want.
20. “You’re just like [negative family member].”
This comparison is a way of insulting you and associating you with someone they dislike. It’s a hurtful tactic that can damage your self-esteem and create distance in the relationship. Don’t let them define you by comparing you to other people. Stand your ground and remind them that you are your own person with your own unique qualities and values.
