The relationship between parents and adult children can be complex and sometimes strained.
It’s a painful experience when your grown-up kids decide to cut you off. While there might be hundreds of different reasons behind their decision, it’s important to reflect on your own part in things and how your behaviour might have factored into their decision. If your adult children have distanced themselves from you, it might be worth considering if any of the following behaviours resonate with you.
1. You refuse to acknowledge their autonomy.
Treating your adult children as if they’re still teenagers can be incredibly frustrating for them. They’re independent individuals capable of making their own decisions. If you constantly try to control their lives, offer unsolicited advice, or disregard their choices, they might feel suffocated and resentful.
2. You are overly critical and judgmental.
Nobody likes to feel constantly scrutinised and judged, especially not by their parents. If you nitpick their choices, criticise their lifestyle, or make them feel inadequate, they might start to withdraw to protect their self-esteem. Remember, even constructive feedback should be delivered with kindness and respect.
3. You disrespect their boundaries.
Everyone has their personal boundaries, including your adult children. If you invade their privacy, overstep their personal space, or refuse to respect their wishes, they might feel violated and disrespected. It’s important to recognise and honour their boundaries, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them.
4. You are emotionally manipulative.
Using guilt trips, emotional blackmail, or silent treatment to get your way can be incredibly damaging to your relationship with your adult children. This type of behaviour can make them feel like they’re walking on eggshells around you and eventually lead them to create distance to protect themselves emotionally.
5. You don’t apologise when you mess up.
Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s important to own up to them and say you’re sorry. If you refuse to acknowledge your wrongdoing or try to justify your hurtful actions, it can destroy trust and create resentment. Apologising sincerely shows your children that you value their feelings and are willing to take responsibility for your actions.
6. You are unwilling to compromise.
Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, but if you’re always insistent on having things your way, it can lead to conflict and resentment. Being willing to compromise and find middle ground shows your children that you value their opinions and are willing to work together to find solutions.
7. You make everything about you.
When your adult children share their struggles or achievements, do you listen attentively or turn the conversation back to yourself? If you constantly make their stories about you, they might feel unheard and unimportant. Show genuine interest in their lives and celebrate their successes without trying to one-up them or make it about you.
8. You are unreliable and inconsistent.
If you constantly break promises, cancel plans at the last minute, or show up late for important events, it can damage your children’s trust in you. Being reliable and consistent demonstrates that you value their time and that they can count on you to be there for them.
9. You offer unwanted advice.
While your intentions might be good, constantly bombarding your adult children with unsolicited advice can be annoying and frustrating. They are capable of making their own decisions and solving their own problems. Offer your support and guidance when asked, but respect their autonomy and avoid being overbearing.
10. You compare them to other people.
Comparing your children to their siblings, friends, or even yourself can be incredibly hurtful. It sends the message that they’re not good enough and creates a competitive environment. Celebrate their unique qualities and achievements instead of focusing on how they measure up to their siblings, cousins, your friend’s children… you get the gist.
11. You dismiss their feelings and experiences.
When your adult children share their emotions or experiences with you, do you validate their feelings or dismiss them as unimportant? If you invalidate their emotions or downplay their struggles, they might feel unheard and unsupported. It’s important to listen with empathy and acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them.
12. You refuse to let past mistakes go.
Everyone makes mistakes, and your children are no exception. If you constantly bring up their past mistakes or hold grudges against them, it can create a toxic environment and prevent them from moving forward. Forgiveness and letting go of the past can help you build a stronger relationship with your adult children.
13. You don’t respect their partners or friends.
Your children’s partners and friends are important to them. If you criticise their choices, make rude comments about their loved ones, or try to interfere in their relationships, it can create tension and resentment. Show respect for their loved ones and avoid trying to control their social circle.
14. You are financially irresponsible.
If you’re constantly asking your adult children for money or relying on them for financial support, it can put a strain on your relationship. Being financially responsible and independent shows your children that you respect their resources and don’t expect them to bail you out of your financial problems.
15. You are emotionally draining.
If you’re constantly complaining, being negative, or creating drama, it can be emotionally exhausting for your children. Being positive, supportive, and emotionally stable can create a healthier and more enjoyable relationship for everyone involved.
16. You refuse to get help for your problems (or accept that you have any).
If you struggle with addiction, mental health issues, or other personal problems, and refuse to do anything about them, it can be a major burden on your children. It’s important to take responsibility for your well-being and get professional help if needed. This shows your children that you’re willing to work on yourself and that you value their support.
17. You make them feel guilty for their choices.
If your adult children make choices that you don’t agree with, such as their career path, lifestyle, or partner, it’s important to respect their decisions. Making them feel guilty for not following your expectations can damage your relationship and create resentment. Accept their choices and support them in their endeavours.
18. You violate their trust.
If you share their secrets with other people (whether other family members or your friends), gossip about them behind their backs, or betray their confidence in any way, it can severely damage your relationship. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and once it’s broken, it can be difficult to rebuild. Be trustworthy and respect your children’s confidences.
19. You are overly dependent on them.
While it’s natural to rely on your children for emotional support and occasional help, being overly dependent on them can create a burden. They have their own lives and responsibilities, and it’s important to respect their independence and avoid being overly clingy or demanding.
20. You don’t show appreciation for their efforts.
If your children go out of their way to help you or do something nice for you, take the time to express your gratitude and appreciation. Acknowledging their efforts makes them feel valued and appreciated, and it encourages them to continue being kind and supportive.
