When it comes to the people you love, your words carry weight.
A carelessly flung insult or a thoughtless remark can cut deep and do lasting damage. Even if you don’t mean to hurt them, some phrases should be off-limits in a loving relationship. If you want to build your partner up and keep your bond strong, here are 17 things you should never say to someone you love. Bite your tongue and find a kinder way.
1. “I wish you were more like [someone else].”
Source: Unsplash Comparing your partner unfavourably to someone else is a quick way to make them feel inadequate and insecure in the relationship. Whether you’re comparing them to an ex, a friend, or a celebrity crush, it’s disrespectful and hurtful. You chose to be with your partner — appreciate them for who they are instead of wishing they were different. Constant comparisons will only breed resentment.
2. “You’re so [negative trait].”
Blanket labelling your partner with a negative trait, like calling them lazy, stupid, or crazy, is demeaning and damaging. These are what relationship expert John Gottman calls “character assassinations” — personal attacks on the core of who someone is. Even in the heat of an argument, don’t reduce your partner to an insulting label. Attack the behaviour if you must, but not the person.
3. “You always…” or “You never…”
Absolute statements like “you always” or “you never” are rarely accurate and always inflammatory. They put your partner on the defensive and make them feel unfairly attacked. Instead of globalising the problem, focus on the specific instance that’s bothering you. Replace “You never listen to me” with “I felt unheard during our conversation earlier.” Stick to facts, not hyperbole.
4. “You’re just like your [disliked relative].”
Comparing your partner to a family member they have a difficult relationship with or who you know they don’t want to be like — such as an abusive parent, a cheating uncle, or a substance-abusing sibling — is a low blow. Not only does it dredge up painful associations, it implies that your partner is doomed to repeat toxic cycles. Don’t use their family trauma as a weapon.
5. “I hate you!”
Even in your angriest moments, there are some words you can’t take back. Expletives flung in rage or declarations of hate can echo in your partner’s mind long after the fight is over. Find other ways to express anger that attack the problem, not the person. Saying “I’m so bloody furious with you right now” gets the point across without being verbally abusive.
6. “If you really loved me, you would…”
Source: Unsplash Emotional blackmail has no place in a healthy relationship. Guilting your partner into doing what you want by questioning their love for you is manipulative. It implies that they have to earn your love by doing your bidding. In reality, people can love each other deeply and still have their own needs, boundaries, and autonomy. Respect that your partner can love you and still say no.
7. “You’re being ridiculous/dramatic/oversensitive.”
Dismissing your partner’s feelings by calling them ridiculous, dramatic, or oversensitive is minimising and invalidating. It tells them that their feelings don’t matter to you. You don’t have to agree with how they feel to acknowledge that their feelings are real to them. Say “I hear that you’re feeling hurt” instead of “You’re just being oversensitive.” Validate first, then discuss.
8. “I’m not attracted to you anymore.”
Physical attraction ebbs and flows, but telling your partner flat-out that you no longer fancy them is cruel — even if you’re just lashing out in anger. It will make them self-conscious and insecure. If you’re having issues with physical intimacy, approach the conversation with sensitivity. Use “I” statements, like “I’m struggling with desire lately,” not “you don’t do it for me any more.”
9. “I don’t care.”
Apathy is a relationship killer. Telling your partner “I don’t care” in the middle of a discussion about something that matters to them is dismissive and rude. If you’re bored with a particular topic, find a tactful way to change the subject — don’t just announce your lack of interest. And if they’re trying to talk through a relationship issue, “I don’t care” means “I don’t care enough to work on this with you.”
10. “I should have never married/moved in with/had kids with you!”
Declaring that you regret making major relationship milestones with your partner — like marriage, cohabitation, or having children — is a hurtful proclamation that can’t be easily walked back. It plants a seed of doubt about the whole relationship. Even if you’re at a low point, don’t trash talk the life you’ve built together in an attempt to score points.
11. “I’m done. I’m leaving you.”
Source: Unsplash The threat of abandonment is not something to toss around lightly. Even if you don’t mean it literally, threatening to break up or divorce every time you’re angry is destabilising and erodes your partner’s sense of security in the relationship. It’s the ultimate conversation ender. There’s nowhere to go after “this relationship is over!” If you need to cool off, call a time-out instead of threatening a breakup you don’t mean.
12. “You’re not listening to me.”
When you tell your partner “you’re not listening,” you invalidate their efforts to understand you. You imply that your reality is correct and theirs is wrong. In most cases, they are listening — they just disagree or have a different perspective. Instead of “you’re not listening,” try “I don’t feel understood.” That invites them to double down on understanding, rather than implying they’re doing it wrong.
13. “You can’t take a joke.”
Source: Unsplash If your joke hurts your partner’s feelings, don’t try to invalidate their reaction by insisting they have no sense of humour. Perhaps your joke touched on a sensitive topic, or your tone felt mocking rather than affectionate. Doubling down with “you can’t take a joke” is dismissive. A caring response would be, “I didn’t mean to hurt you with that joke. What about it bothered you?” Use it as an opportunity to tune into their sensitivities rather than ridiculing them.
14. “You’re acting just like a [gendered insult].”
Source: Unsplash Gendered insults like calling a woman hysterical or irrational, or calling a man weak or wimpy, are lazy shortcuts that lean on outdated gender stereotypes. They’re provocative but often inaccurate. It’s more mature to focus on the specific behaviour that’s bothering you without resorting to sexist tropes. Instead of “stop being such a drama queen,” try “the issues you’re bringing up are valid, but your delivery feels very charged right now. Can we dial it back?”
15. “I’m too busy for this conversation.”
Nothing says, “you’re not a priority to me” like declaring that you don’t have time to talk. When your partner approaches you with something important to them, and you blow them off with “I’m too busy,” you send the message that they’re less important than your to-do list. Sometimes you genuinely are too swamped to give them your full attention — the kind response is to set a time when you will be available. “I want to be fully present for this talk. Can it wait until after I meet this work deadline tonight?”
16. “Thanks for finally [doing a basic household task].”
Thanking your partner sarcastically for “finally” doing something they should have done sooner — like washing the dishes or changing the baby — is passive-aggressive and condescending. It’s a backhanded compliment that focuses on their tardiness rather than appreciating the effort. If you feel frustrated that they’re not pulling their weight, address it head-on with clear expectations and responsibilities. Snarky jabs will just breed resentment on both sides.
17. Nothing at all.
Source: Unsplash The silent treatment is immature and manipulative. Ignoring your partner, intentionally avoiding their texts or calls, or giving them the cold shoulder to punish them doesn’t solve anything. It leaves them alone to stew in anxiety, anger, or self-doubt. Use your words to tell them what you need, even if it’s just “I need some space to process before I’m ready to talk about this.” Shutting down communication prevents you from reaching understanding.
