Narcissists will stop at nothing to stay in control.
They have a whole range of underhanded tactics to keep you under their thumb and doubting your own instincts. If you’ve ever been entangled with a narcissist, you know first-hand how emotionally draining and damaging it can be. To help arm you against their schemes, here are 15 secrets narcissists desperately hope you never uncover. Now that you have, it might help you avoid these toxic people in the future.
1. They’re deeply insecure underneath the bravado.
Narcissists project an image of unshakeable confidence, but it’s all a carefully crafted facade. Deep down, they’re riddled with insecurities and self-doubt. They crave constant validation and admiration to prop up their fragile egos. Recognising that their arrogance is overcompensation for profound feelings of inadequacy can help you see through the act. Don’t be fooled by the surface-level bluster — it’s a smokescreen to hide their inner weaknesses and fears.
2. They intentionally target empathetic people.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are drawn to kind, compassionate individuals who they perceive as easy to exploit. They zero in on people-pleasers who tend to prioritise everyone else’s needs over their own. If you’re naturally giving and empathetic, you may be especially vulnerable to a narcissist’s advances. They view your big heart as a weakness to be leveraged for their own gain. Be wary of anyone who seems to hone in on your nurturing qualities early on — they may have ulterior motives.
3. They’re pathological liars.
Source: Unsplash Deception is second nature to narcissists. They’ll spin elaborate stories, exaggerate their achievements, and flat-out lie without a hint of remorse. Even when caught red-handed, they’ll find a way to rationalise or shift blame. They have no qualms about distorting reality to maintain the upper hand. Take everything a narcissist says with a hefty pinch of salt. If something feels off about their stories, trust your gut — chances are, they’re not being fully truthful.
4. They project their own flaws onto other people.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are experts at deflecting accountability by accusing people of the very things they’re guilty of themselves. If they’re being manipulative, they’ll claim you’re the one playing games. If they’re prone to jealousy, they’ll accuse you of being possessive. This projection tactic keeps you on the defensive and doubting your own perceptions. Don’t fall for it — recognise that their finger-pointing is a diversionary tactic to avoid owning their own shortcomings.
5. They use love-bombing to reel you in.
Source: Unsplash In the early stages, narcissists will shower you with over-the-top affection, flattery, and grand gestures to win you over. This love-bombing phase can be intoxicating, making you feel like you’ve found your soulmate. But it’s a calculated ploy to get you invested so they can later switch to devaluing you. If someone’s attentions feel too much too soon, be on guard — it’s likely part of a narcissist’s play book to trap you in their web.
6. They isolate you from your support system.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists aim to cut you off from friends and family who might see through their act or offer you outside perspectives. They’ll subtly discourage you from spending time with loved ones, monopolise your schedule, or manufacture rifts in your other relationships. The more isolated you become, the more dependent you are on the narcissist, which is precisely their goal. Resist any attempts to distance you from your support network — these people are your lifeline and greatest allies.
7. They give you the silent treatment to keep you in line.
If you don’t cater to a narcissist’s every whim or dare to assert a boundary, they’ll often resort to freezing you out. This silent treatment, or “stonewalling,” is a manipulative punishment tactic to make you feel anxious, guilty, and desperate for their attention again. They know that most people would rather take the blame than endure prolonged coldness. Recognise that this childish behaviour has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their need for control.
8. They use gaslighting to destroy your sense of reality.
Source: Unsplash Gaslighting is a narcissist’s evil way of making you doubt your own memories, feelings, and sanity. They’ll deny things you know happened, accuse you of being overly sensitive when you express hurt, or claim you’re imagining things that are very real. Over time, this psychological manipulation can have you questioning your own instincts and relying on the narcissist to define your reality. Stay anchored in your truth and don’t let them rewrite history to their benefit.
9. They triangulate you with other people.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists love to stir up jealousy and rivalry by pitting people against each other. They’ll casually mention flirting with an ex, compare you unfavourably to a colleague, or share what other people supposedly said about you. These comments are designed to make you feel insecure, inadequate, and like you have to compete for their affection. Refuse to engage in these manufactured triangles — a healthy partner won’t weaponise other people to keep you off balance.
10. They chip away at your self-esteem.
Source: Unsplash A narcissist’s primary goal is to eat away at your confidence so you start to believe no one else could ever love you. They’ll make snide remarks about your appearance, abilities, and character disguised as “jokes” or “helpful feedback.” These little digs add up over time, dismantling your self-worth to the point where you feel dependent on the narcissist’s approval. Recognise these backhanded compliments and criticisms for the abuse they are, and refuse to internalise them.
11. They have different masks for different audiences.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are social chameleons, morphing their personality to fit whatever environment they’re in. They’ll act caring and humble around people they want to impress, then revert to their true colours behind closed doors. This Jekyll and Hyde routine keeps their victims doubting the abuse, since other people only see the charming mask. Don’t fall for the public persona — if your experiences with the narcissist feel toxic, then that’s the reality, no matter how they present themselves to the world.
12. Your pain and humiliation makes them happy.
Narcissists derive a twisted pleasure from seeing people suffer, especially if they’re the cause. They’ll take delight in embarrassing you publicly, pushing your buttons to get an explosive reaction, or kicking you when you’re already down. Your distress is their entertainment, fuelling their sadistic tendencies. If your anguish seems to energise rather than faze them, you’re likely dealing with a dark triad personality. Get far away from anyone who relishes your misery.
13. They view themselves as above reproach.
In a narcissist’s mind, they can do no wrong. They believe they’re special, superior beings who shouldn’t be held to the same standards as everyone else. Rules are for other people, not them. Even when their behaviour causes obvious harm, they’ll find ways to rationalise it and dodge culpability. There’s no point in trying to appeal to their conscience or expecting them to own their misdeeds. You’ll only be met with indignant defensiveness.
14. They live for drama and chaos.
Narcissists thrive on conflict and commotion. They’ll intentionally stir up trouble just to keep themselves entertained. A calm, stable environment feels boring to them, so they’ll pick fights, incite jealousy, or create crises to get a rush. They’re emotional adrenaline junkies, always chasing the next hit of turmoil. Resist getting sucked into their manufactured maelstroms. Learn to disengage and refuse to indulge their appetite for pandemonium.
15. They will never genuinely change.
Source: Unsplash Many narcissists’ victims cling to the hope that if they just love the narcissist enough, they’ll see the light and evolve. But this is a dangerous delusion. Narcissists are fundamentally wired differently, and no amount of devotion or understanding on your part will alter their true nature. They may make surface-level improvements when they fear losing you, but these changes rarely stick. The hard truth is, narcissists won’t transform because they don’t believe they need to. Stop trying to heal them and focus on healing yourself.
