Narcissists will go to great lengths to maintain their carefully crafted image and control the people around them.
But beneath the charm and the bravado, there’s a much darker reality lurking. If you know what to look for, you can start to see through the smoke and mirrors and recognise the shocking behaviours that narcissists try so hard to hide. The easier you can do that, the more you’ll be able to protect yourself.
1. They’re deeply insecure.
Despite their grandiose sense of self-importance, narcissists are actually riddled with deep-seated insecurities. They’re constantly seeking validation and admiration from others to prop up their fragile ego. They might boast about their accomplishments, their possessions, or their social status, but it’s all a desperate attempt to mask their underlying feelings of inadequacy. They’re terrified of being seen as flawed or vulnerable, so they overcompensate with an inflated sense of superiority.
2. They lack empathy.
Narcissists are notoriously lacking in empathy. They struggle to put themselves in other people’s shoes or understand their perspectives and feelings. They’re so focused on their own needs and desires that they often trample over the people around them. They might feign concern or compassion when it suits their purposes, but it’s usually just a manipulative tactic to get what they want. True empathy requires a level of selflessness and emotional intelligence that most narcissists simply don’t possess.
3. They’re pathological liars.
Narcissists are chronic liars. They’ll say whatever they need to say to get what they want, regardless of the truth. They might exaggerate their achievements, fabricate stories, or even create entirely new identities. They’re skilled at reading people and telling them exactly what they want to hear. They’ll lie to avoid taking responsibility, to manipulate others, or simply to maintain their grandiose self-image. The scary part is, they often believe their own lies and can be very convincing.
4. They’re unapologetic manipulators.
Manipulation is a narcissist’s primary tool for controlling the people around them. They’ll use a variety of tactics, from love-bombing and flattery to gaslighting and guilt-tripping. They’re experts at identifying people’s weaknesses and exploiting them for their own gain. They might play the victim, the hero, or the charmer, depending on what will work best in a given situation. They’re always angling for power and control, and they’ll stop at nothing to get it.
5. They have a sense of entitlement.
Narcissists believe that they deserve special treatment and privileges simply because of who they are. They expect others to cater to their whims and desires, and they react with anger or resentment when they don’t get their way. They might cut in line, demand special favours, or expect to be exempt from the rules that apply to everyone else. They see themselves as superior and therefore entitled to whatever they want, regardless of the consequences for others.
6. They’re emotionally abusive.
Narcissists can be incredibly emotionally abusive to the people closest to them. They might use insults, criticism, and put-downs to undermine their partner’s self-esteem and keep them under their thumb. They might fly into rages or give the silent treatment as a way of punishing and controlling. They’ll often gaslight their victims, denying their own bad behaviour and making them question their own perceptions and sanity. The cycle of abuse can be incredibly damaging and difficult to break free from.
7. They’re envious and competitive.
Despite their inflated sense of self, narcissists are actually deeply envious of others. They can’t stand to see someone else succeed or receive praise because it threatens their own fragile ego. They’re constantly comparing themselves to others and trying to one-up them. They might try to sabotage their competitors or take credit for their accomplishments. They view the world as a zero-sum game, where someone else’s success is a direct threat to their own.
8. They have a Jekyll and Hyde personality.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists often have a Jekyll and Hyde personality. To the outside world, they might appear charming, charismatic, and successful. But behind closed doors, they can be cruel, controlling, and abusive. They might be the life of the party one minute and fly into a narcissistic rage the next. This unpredictability keeps their victims off-balance and afraid to challenge them. It also allows them to maintain their carefully crafted public image while hiding their true colours.
9. They have an inflated sense of self-importance.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists see themselves as the centre of the universe. They believe that they’re special, unique, and superior to everyone else. They might exaggerate their achievements, their talent, or their intelligence to bolster this grandiose self-image. They often expect special treatment and become enraged when they don’t receive the admiration and deference they feel they deserve. This inflated sense of self-importance is a defence mechanism against their deep-seated insecurities and feelings of inadequacy.
10. They lack boundaries.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists have little respect for personal boundaries. They might invade your privacy, make inappropriate sexual comments, or demand your time and attention at all hours. They feel entitled to cross lines and push limits because they don’t see others as separate individuals with their own needs and desires. They might also have poor boundaries of their own, oversharing personal information or expecting others to clean up their messes. This lack of boundaries is a key part of their manipulative and controlling behaviour.
11. They’re always the victim.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists have a massive victim complex. No matter what goes wrong in their lives, it’s always someone else’s fault. They refuse to take responsibility for their own choices and actions, instead blaming others for their misfortunes. They might play the martyr, the innocent victim of cruel circumstances or evil people. This allows them to avoid accountability and garner sympathy and attention from others. In their minds, they’re always the wronged party, never the one who caused harm.
12. They’re emotionally immature.
Source: Unsplash Despite their often high intelligence and professional success, narcissists are emotionally stunted. They have the emotional maturity of a toddler, with little ability to regulate their own emotions or empathize with others. They might throw tantrums, give the silent treatment, or engage in other childish behaviours when they don’t get their way. They struggle with complex emotions like shame, vulnerability, and remorse, instead lashing out or shutting down when confronted with their own flaws.
13. They’re controlling and possessive.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists have an insatiable need for control. They want to be in charge of every aspect of their lives and the lives of those around them. They might try to control their partner’s behaviour, appearance, or social life. They might be possessive and jealous, constantly accusing their partner of cheating or flirting. They see their loved ones as extensions of themselves, rather than separate individuals with their own autonomy. This need for control is a way of managing their own deep-seated fears and insecurities.
14. They use people and discard them.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists see other people as objects to be used for their own gain. They’ll form superficial friendships or romantic relationships based on what the other person can do for them, not on genuine care or affection. They might love-bomb their new partner, showering them with affection and attention, only to abruptly discard them when they’re no longer useful. They have little regard for the feelings of others and will readily exploit them to get what they want.
15. They’re incapable of change.
Source: Unsplash Perhaps the most shocking thing about narcissists is that they’re largely incapable of true change. Because they lack insight into their own behaviours and refuse to take responsibility for their actions, they have little motivation to seek help or make meaningful changes. They might make temporary improvements if it serves their interests, but they quickly revert to their old ways once they’ve got what they want. The sad truth is, narcissism is a deeply entrenched personality disorder that often requires intensive therapy to overcome — and most narcissists will never seek it out.
