If you want to be a good ally to your LGBTQIA+ friends and avoid putting your foot in your mouth, there are some things you should steer clear of saying.
Even if you mean well, certain comments and questions can come across as insensitive, disrespectful, or just plain clueless. The last thing you want to do is make someone feel othered, or as if they’re being reduced to a stereotype.
1. “Are you sure it’s not just a phase?”
Questioning someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity as if it’s just a passing fad is dismissive and insulting. It suggests that you don’t take their deep-seated sense of self seriously, and that you think you know better than they do about their own lived experience. Coming out is a big deal, not something people do on a whim. Trust that they’ve done a lot of self-reflection to arrive at this truth. Believe them when they share it with you.
2. “But you don’t look/act gay!”
There’s no one way to “look” or “act” LGBTQIA+. Assuming that all queer people conform to certain stereotypes – whether it’s about their appearance, mannerisms, interests, or personality – is reductive and flattening. It suggests that you have a narrow, clichéd view of what being LGBTQIA+ entails. In reality, members of this community are as diverse and multifaceted as any other group. Don’t try to squeeze them into a preconceived mould based on tired media tropes.
3. “Who’s the man/woman in the relationship?”
Heteronormative assumptions have no place in conversations about queer relationships. Asking a same-sex couple which one of them is “the man” or “the woman” suggests that you see all relationships through a strictly gendered, binary lens. It implies that one partner must take on stereotypically “masculine” roles while the other assumes more “feminine” ones. In reality, queer couples divide up household tasks, emotional labour, and relationship roles in all kinds of creative ways that don’t rely on gender norms.
4. “How do you, you know, do it, anyway?”
You wouldn’t ask your straight friends for a play-by-play of what goes down in their bedroom, would you? So why would you think it’s appropriate to interrogate an LGBTQIA+ person about the mechanics of their intimate life? Queer intimacy can encompass a wide range of joyful, creative expressions of intimacy that don’t necessarily fit into heteronormative scripts. But the details are none of your business, unless someone chooses to share them with you unprompted. Don’t put them on the spot with invasive questions.
5. “I’d never have guessed, you hide it so well!”
Telling someone they “hide” their identity well makes it sound like being LGBTQIA+ is something shameful that ought to be concealed. It praises them for blending in and not “flaunting” who they are. But LGBTQIA+ people shouldn’t have to camouflage themselves or live in secrecy for fear of mistreatment. Commenting on how well someone “passes” as straight or cis upholds the idea that being overtly queer is a bad thing, and that the goal should be to go undetected.
6. “Have you ever tried dating/sleeping with the opposite sex? Maybe you just haven’t met the right one!”
Suggesting that someone might not be LGBTQIA+ if they just gave heterosexuality a shot is a huge slap in the face. It trivializes their identity as if it’s a flippant choice rather than an essential aspect of who they are. It frames their sexuality as a limitation rather than a source of joy and fulfilment Most queer folks have already faced a barrage of messages that their love is unnatural or a second-rate alternative to heterosexuality. Don’t pile on by second-guessing their orientation.
7. “But you’ve dated people of the opposite sex before! Are you sure you’re really gay?”
Source: Unsplash Sexuality can be fluid and complex. Many people date or sleep with different genders over the course of their lives as they uncover new facets of their attraction. Some folks come out later in life after years of heterosexual relationships. Others identify as bi, pan, or queer, and are attracted to multiple genders all along. LGBTQIA+ people’s prior relationship history doesn’t negate their current identity. Take them at their word instead of looking for “gotcha” evidence to undermine how they identify now.
8. “Isn’t using ‘they/them’ pronouns grammatically incorrect?”
Source: Pexels Singular “they” has been used as a gender-neutral pronoun for centuries, so no, it’s not breaking any inviolable rules of grammar. Language is constantly evolving to better represent the diversity of human experience. Insisting that “they” can only be used as a plural pronoun is just an excuse to avoid expanding your understanding of gender beyond the binary. If someone tells you their pronouns, respect them. Using the right pronouns is a basic form of courtesy and a way to affirm someone’s identity.
9. “But what’s your REAL name?”
Source: Pexels For many trans and gender non-conforming folks, the name they were given at birth no longer fits, and may even be a source of dysphoria. Asking about their former name or “deadname” is a serious violation of privacy and trust. It’s not a juicy piece of gossip for you to uncover. Using the name someone goes by now shows that you see and accept them for who they really are. Don’t go digging into their past or questioning their “realness.” Their real name is the one they’ve chosen for themselves.
10. “Isn’t being bisexual just a stepping stone to being fully gay?”
Source: Pexels Bisexuality isn’t a halfway point on the path to being gay or lesbian. It’s a legitimate orientation in its own right, characterized by attraction to multiple genders. Bi folks aren’t “half-gay” or just biding their time until they pick a side. They’re not confused, indecisive, or hedging their bets. Assuming that every bi person is secretly gay is an insidious form of bi erasure that undermines the validity of their identity. Take their self-definition at face value.
11. “So you’re like, basically straight now, right?”
Source: Unsplash Being in a relationship that might look heterosexual from the outside doesn’t negate someone’s LGBTQIA+ identity. A bisexual woman married to a man is still bisexual. A trans person in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender is still trans. Sexuality and gender identity are about so much more than a person’s current partner. Making assumptions about how someone identifies based on their relationship status flattens the beautiful complexity of queer love and desire.
12. “How can you be sure you’re asexual if you’ve never had sex?”
Source: Unsplash Asexuality, or the lack of sexual attraction, is a valid orientation that exists on a spectrum. Some asexual people enjoy sex for reasons other than attraction, while others are sex-repulsed. Some are open to having sex with romantic partners, while others aren’t. Asking an asexual person how they can be sure of their identity if they’ve never been sexually active is like asking a straight person how they know they’re straight if they’ve never slept with someone of the same gender. You don’t need to “test drive” your sexuality to know what feels right for you.
13. “Which one of you is the ‘sperm donor’ for your kids?”
Source: Unsplash Queer families come in all shapes and sizes, and often involve complicated webs of biological and chosen kin that defy heteronormative assumptions. Don’t reduce LGBTQIA+ parents to crude biological functions like “sperm donor” or “surrogate.” Unless someone volunteers information about how their children were conceived, it’s none of your business. What matters is that they’re a loving family, not which partner provided the genetic material. Respect queer parents as you would any other parents — as whole people, not reproductive vessels.
14. “I could never tell my kids I’m gay, it would destroy them!”
Source: Unsplash Coming out to one’s children can be scary, but implying that it would ruin their lives only reinforces the stigma around LGBTQIA+ identities. Kids are often more accepting and adaptable than we give them credit for. With love, support, and age-appropriate information, they can absolutely thrive with an LGBTQIA+ parent. What really harms kids is growing up with a parent who’s repressed, closeted, and modelling shame around their identity. Don’t project your own fears onto someone else’s family situation.
15. “I don’t care what you identify as, just don’t shove it down my throat!”
Source: Unsplash Existing visibly as an LGBTQIA+ person isn’t an act of aggression. Queer folks aren’t shoving anything down your throat by simply living out and proud. Accusing them of flaunting their identity just because they dare to be authentic in your presence is a way of saying, “I’m fine with you as long as you hide who you are for my comfort.” It’s not oversensitive to push back against heteronormativity or ask for basic respect. If queer pride bothers you, interrogate that instead of tone-policing LGBTQIA+ people.
