Are you living your best life, or are you using your kids as a proxy?
It’s a tough question to ask yourself, but it’s a necessary one. If you’re constantly pushing your own unfulfilled dreams onto your adult children, you’re not just living vicariously through them – you’re suffocating them. This isn’t about being a proud parent; it’s about crossing a line. So, grab a cuppa and have a long, hard look in the mirror. Here are 17 signs you might be guilty of this behaviour, and trust me, it’s not a good look.
You constantly compare your kids to other people.
Keeping up with the Joneses has taken on a new meaning. It’s no longer about material possessions; it’s about your offspring outshining everyone else’s. You brag about their achievements but feel a pang of envy when other people’s kids do better. Remember, your kids are not in a competition.
You push them towards careers they don’t want.
You always dreamed of being a doctor/lawyer/astronaut, but life took a different turn. Now, you’re hell-bent on your child fulfilling that dream, regardless of their interests or passions. Your constant pressure makes them resentful and unhappy.
You micromanage their lives.
Source: Unsplash You’re not just offering advice; you’re dictating their every move. From their career choices to their relationship status, you have an opinion on everything. Your constant meddling makes them feel suffocated and incapable of making their own decisions.
You live through their social media.
Source: Unsplash You’re more active on their Instagram than they are. You curate their online persona, posting photos and updates that showcase the “perfect” life you envision for them. This obsession with appearances leaves them feeling pressured and inauthentic.
You take credit for their achievements.
Their successes become your bragging rights. You boast about their accomplishments as if they were your own. You downplay their efforts and attribute their success to your guidance and support, leaving them feeling undervalued and unappreciated.
You’re overly involved in their relationships.
You interview their partners, offer unsolicited relationship advice, and even try to matchmake them with people you deem “suitable.” Your interference creates tension and resentment, driving a wedge between you and your child.
You guilt-trip them into spending time with you.
You manipulate their emotions to get what you want. You remind them of all the sacrifices you made for them, guilt-tripping them into spending time with you or fulfilling your expectations. Your emotional blackmail creates a toxic dynamic that damages your relationship.
You don’t respect their boundaries.
You call them at all hours, show up unannounced, and expect them to be available whenever you demand it. You pry into their personal lives, offer unsolicited advice, and disregard their need for space and independence.
You criticise their choices and decisions.
You constantly question their judgement, second-guess their choices, and undermine their confidence. You make them feel like they can’t do anything right without your approval. Your constant criticism leaves them feeling insecure and incapable.
You relive your youth through their experiences.
You encourage them to pursue activities and interests that you missed out on in your own youth. You pressure them to join clubs, sports teams, or social groups that align with your own unfulfilled desires. Your vicarious living makes them feel like puppets in your hands.
You’re overly invested in their appearance.
You dictate their fashion choices, hairstyles, and even their weight. You pressure them to conform to your standards of beauty, regardless of their own preferences or body image. Your obsession with appearances creates insecurity and self-doubt.
You undermine their independence.
You do everything for them, from managing their finances to booking their appointments. You don’t trust them to handle their own affairs, perpetuating their dependence on you. Your overbearing behaviour stifles their growth and autonomy.
You project your fears and insecurities onto them.
You discourage them from taking risks, trying new things, or stepping outside their comfort zone. You transfer your own fears and anxieties onto them, limiting their potential and hindering their personal development.
You make them feel guilty for their happiness.
When they achieve something great or experience joy, you respond with negativity or indifference. You downplay their achievements or remind them of their responsibilities, making them feel guilty for their own happiness.
You have unrealistic expectations of them.
You expect them to be perfect in every way – academically, professionally, and personally. You set unattainable standards and hold them to a higher level of scrutiny than anyone else. Your unrealistic expectations create unnecessary pressure and stress.
You don’t celebrate their individuality.
You want them to be a carbon copy of yourself, following in your footsteps and living up to your ideals. You don’t appreciate their unique quirks, interests, or personality traits. Your lack of acceptance makes them feel misunderstood and unloved.
You use emotional manipulation to control their behaviour.
You play on their emotions, guilt-tripping them into compliance. You threaten to withdraw your love and support if they don’t meet your expectations. Your manipulative tactics create a toxic environment of fear and resentment.
