Every parent catches flack sometimes for their child-rearing choices.
Whether it’s your in-laws, your mates, or some rando at the park, people love to weigh in with their two cents. But you don’t have to just grin and bear it. Arm yourself with these clever retorts, and you’ll be able to shut down the parenting police with a bit of biting British wit.
1. “Thanks, I’ll log that in my ‘Useless Parenting Advice’ journal.”
Keep an imaginary record of all the unhelpful input you receive. Smile pleasantly while making a point of jotting down their suggestion. Bonus points if you mime crumpling up the “page” and tossing it over your shoulder. The more tedious the advice, the more dramatic the pantomime. It’s a great way to cheekily signal how little you care about their opinion while still keeping things relatively civil.
2. “Gosh, I had no idea you were an expert in [insert child’s name] studies!”
If someone’s being particularly cocky and condescending with their criticism, feign wide-eyed admiration for their self-declared expertise. Lay the sarcasm on thick, treating them like they’re a world-renowned authority on your child. The more niche and preposterous the “specialty” you assign them, the funnier it’ll be. Making a mockery of their all-knowing attitude should take the wind out of their sails right quick.
3. “Funny, I don’t remember asking for your opinion.”
Sometimes the simplest shutdown is the most effective. Calling out unsolicited advice for what it is puts the critic on the back foot. If you really want to twist the knife, tack an “ever” onto the end of that quip. It may be a bit more blunt and potentially escalating, but it firmly puts the meddler in their place. You’re the parent, you make the rules. Anyone else can jog on with their judginess.
4. “My kid, my circus, my monkeys.”
It’s a playful twist on the old “not my circus, not my monkeys” saying. You’re acknowledging that yes, your family life may be a bit chaotic and unconventional at times. And what of it? They’re your monkeys to manage. If some bystander thinks they spot-out out a few bugs in your parenting methodology, tough luck. You’re the ringmaster of this show. They can either enjoy the spectacle or look the other way.
5. “I’d love to hear more about how you reached ‘Perfect Parent’ status.”
Invite the armchair parenting expert to share their credentials. What makes them so supremely qualified to pass judgment on your child-rearing skills? Have they unlocked some master level of mothering or fathering that you’re unaware of? Request a detailed rundown of their flawless parenting CV. Odds are they won’t have much to back up their smug superiority. Putting them on the spot should make them pipe down sharpish.
6. “I must have missed the memo about you being appointed the Parenting Police Commissioner.”
Unless your nemesis produces an official warrant, they have zero authority to issue infractions for your parenting. Inform the so-called Commissioner that as far as you’re concerned, their made-up regulatory body has no jurisdiction in your family life. They can direct any further complaints to your Couldn’t Care Less Department. (Your partner can be the sexy Secretary, fielding calls.) If they don’t like your policies, they’re free to stage a protest.
7. “Ta for the input, but I’m afraid the Suggestion Box is out of order.”
Source: Unsplash You can’t stop them from having an opinion, but you don’t have to take their recommendation under advisement. Your Suggestion Box is closed for business. Maybe it’s being repaired, lost in the post or accidentally-on-purpose chucked in the bin — the end result is the same. Any bright ideas they try to submit will meet an impenetrable brick wall of indifference. Deliver the news with a polite smile and move on.
8. “I think my offspring issued me the ‘World’s Okayest Parent’ certificate, actually.”
Your kids generally find you adequate. You haven’t scarred them for life yet. So what if you’re not up for any shiny parenting accolades. You’re getting the job done to the best of your abilities, and as their Okayest Mum/Dad, you’ve earned the right to bumble along however you see fit. Anyone who wants to revoke your hard-won mediocrity award will have to pry it from your cold, dead, wine-stained hands.
9. “Ooh, you’ve tried that strategy with your kids, then?”
Turning their criticism into a question puts the onus on them to prove their way is better. What real-world evidence do they have that their suggested approach actually works? Press them for concrete examples of how they’ve successfully implemented this wizardry tactic with their own children, or any child. Odds are they won’t be able to muster up anything too convincing. Call their bluff and watch them squirm.
10. “Cheers, I’ll give that the consideration it deserves.”
Source: Unsplash Which is to say, absolutely none at all. This is a great way to graciously end the conversation without actually conceding anything. Your “thoughtful” contemplation will, of course, result in binning their criticism straight into the rubbish heap, but they don’t need to know that. Firmly shoving your tongue in your cheek, assure them their misguided meddling will receive all due rumination before being promptly round-filed.
11. “Whew, good thing my self-esteem isn’t pinned to your approval, eh?”
Source: Unsplash What a relief that their endorsement has no bearing on your self-worth as a parent. You define your identity, not some finger-wagging bystander. If your supreme confidence in the face of criticism threatens them, that’s their problem. Bullies often crumble when they realise their target is too self-assured to be rattled by petty put-downs. Know your worth and don’t let anyone make you second guess yourself.
12. “If you don’t like my parenting style, you’re welcome to look after them.”
Source: Unsplash Turn the tables by cheerfully inviting your detractor to take over. Seriously, they can walk a mile in your chewed-up trainers. Hand them the screaming baby/tantruming toddler/belligerent teen and wish them luck. They won’t get far before realising it’s not as easy as they make it sound from the sidelines. Backseat parenting is a breeze until you’re the one in the driver’s seat.
13. “Shall we take a poll and see what others think? No? Didn’t think so.”
Eyeball the other parents in your vicinity and jokingly suggest settling this the democratic way. Your nemesis is unlikely to want any additional scrutiny or input. Hopefully, they’ll recognise the riskiness and back down. But if it does come to a vote, you might be surprised who pipes up with “I think they’re doing grand, actually.” Even if no one weighs in, you’ve shown you have nothing to hide.
14. “Duly noted. Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted…”
Source: Unsplash You’ve clocked their objection. Now, moving swiftly on. Dismiss their criticism as nothing more than a temporary distraction from your regularly scheduled parenting. You haven’t got the time nor the headspace to dwell on their sniping. Make it clear that they are, at most, a forgettable footnote in your family life. Demonstrate that your parenting choices are not up for debate, and you won’t be sidelined by unsolicited critiques.
