Childhood emotional neglect leaves a mark, often in ways we don’t immediately recognise.
The words we hear growing up become the soundtrack to our lives, shaping how we see ourselves and the world. This isn’t about pointing fingers at parents; it’s about spotting patterns so you can break the cycle and reclaim your emotional well-being. If these phrases echo in your memory, it’s time to confront the damage and begin your journey toward healing.
1.”You’re too sensitive.”
This one’s a classic. It might as well be code for “Your feelings are an inconvenience, so please bottle them up and pretend they don’t exist.” But feelings are like smoke alarms; they’re there to alert you when something’s wrong. Ignoring them doesn’t make the problem go away, it just makes it harder to deal with down the line. Being told you’re “too sensitive” trains you to suppress your emotions, leading to anxiety, a constant fear of being judged, and trouble actually connecting with people. It’s like trying to build a house on quicksand – eventually, it’s all going to come tumbling down.
2. “I’m fine.” (When they’re clearly not)
Actions speak louder than words, and when the words and actions don’t match, it sends a deeply confusing message. If your parent constantly claimed to be “fine” while their body language screamed otherwise, it taught you that it wasn’t safe to express or trust your own emotions. You learned to doubt your perceptions and become hyper-vigilant, always scanning for hidden meanings and unspoken truths. This can lead to chronic insecurity, an inability to identify your own needs, and a tendency to overthink every interaction.
3. “Don’t be silly.”
Imagine having a brilliant idea, a genuine concern, or a heartfelt observation, only to be met with a dismissive “Don’t be silly.” It’s like a punch to the gut, isn’t it? Hearing this phrase repeatedly erodes your confidence and makes you question your own intelligence. You start to second-guess yourself, censor your thoughts, and hold back your true opinions. This can have a lasting impact on your self-esteem, your ability to express yourself authentically, and even your career choices.
4. “Stop making a fuss.”
Everyone has needs, but if yours were constantly met with this phrase, you learned early on that they were an inconvenience. You were taught to shrink yourself, to minimise your wants and desires, and to put everyone else’s needs before your own. This can create a deep-seated fear of being a burden, leading to people-pleasing behaviours, difficulty setting boundaries, and a constant need for external validation. It’s like trying to navigate life with a faulty compass – you’re always chasing someone else’s north star.
5. “Big boys/girls don’t cry.”
This one’s a doozy, and it’s steeped in outdated gender stereotypes. Emotions aren’t a sign of weakness; they’re a natural part of being human. But when you’re told that crying is off-limits, it sends the message that vulnerability is shameful. This can lead to repressed emotions, difficulty processing and expressing your feelings, and a tendency to lash out in anger or emotional outbursts later in life. It’s like trying to hold a beach ball underwater – eventually, it’s going to explode.
6. “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister/friend?”
Comparisons are odious, especially when they’re used to measure your worth. This phrase plants the seeds of inadequacy and resentment. You start to believe that you’re not good enough as you are, that you need to change who you are to be loved and accepted. This can damage your self-esteem, create unhealthy competition with siblings or peers, and lead to a lifelong struggle for approval. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole – it’s never going to work.
7. “What’s wrong with you?”
This is a loaded question, dripping with judgement and condemnation. Hearing it repeatedly can create a core belief that you’re inherently flawed, unworthy, and somehow broken. This can lead to self-destructive behaviours, a negative self-image, and difficulty accepting love and support from people. It’s like having a dark cloud hanging over your head, constantly raining on your parade.
8. “Just get over it.”
When you’re hurting, the last thing you need to hear is “Just get over it.” This phrase invalidates your experiences and tells you that your feelings don’t matter. It teaches you to dismiss your emotions, to bury your pain, and to pretend that everything’s okay when it’s not. This can make it incredibly difficult to cope with challenges and setbacks, and it can leave you feeling isolated and unsupported. It’s like trying to heal a broken leg by simply ignoring it.
9. “You’re too old for that.”
Emotional development doesn’t have an expiration date. When you’re told you’re “too old” for certain emotions or behaviours, it sends the message that your emotional needs are no longer valid. This can lead to stunted emotional growth, difficulty forming mature relationships, and a tendency to suppress or deny your feelings. It’s like being told to stop learning a new language halfway through – you’ll never reach fluency.
10. “It’s not that bad.”
This one’s a real gem. It minimises your pain, trivialises your experiences, and makes you feel unheard and misunderstood. It teaches you to doubt your own perceptions and to question the validity of your feelings. This can lead to isolation, difficulty seeking help when you need it, and a deep-seated belief that you’re overreacting. It’s like pouring salt into a wound and then telling you it doesn’t hurt.
11. “Deal with it yourself.”
We all need support sometimes, but if you were constantly told to “deal with it yourself,” you learned to be fiercely independent, even when you were struggling. This can create a sense of self-reliance that becomes unhealthy, leading to difficulty asking for help, forming close relationships, and trusting people. It’s like trying to carry a heavy load on your own when there are plenty of people willing to help.
12. Silence
Sometimes, the most hurtful words are the ones that are never spoken. Silence can be deafening, especially when it comes from the people who are supposed to love and support you. Being ignored or dismissed can make you feel invisible, worthless, and utterly alone. This can lead to deep-seated feelings of loneliness, isolation, and a constant craving for validation. It’s like trying to exist in a world where you’re not even a blip on the radar.
Healing from emotional neglect is a journey, not a destination.
It takes time, courage, and a whole lot of self-compassion. But it’s worth it. You deserve to feel seen, heard, and loved for who you are.
