Narcissists thrive on control and admiration, so challenging their behaviour is like poking a hornets’ nest.
But sometimes enough is enough, and you have to stand up for yourself. Just be prepared for the fallout because narcissists don’t take criticism lying down.
1. They gaslight you.
Narcissists are master manipulators. When confronted, they’ll try to make you doubt your own perceptions. They’ll twist your words, deny things you know happened, and rewrite history to paint themselves in a better light. They might say you’re being overly sensitive, paranoid, or even crazy. The goal is to make you question your own sanity and back down. Don’t fall for it. Trust your gut and stand firm in your truth.
2. They play the victim.
Narcissists never take responsibility for their actions. When called out, they’ll quickly pivot to playing the victim. Suddenly, they’re the one who’s been wronged, misunderstood, or treated unfairly. They’ll bemoan how everyone is always against them, including you. They may even shed some crocodile tears for good measure. Don’t buy into this pity party. It’s just another manipulation tactic to make you feel guilty and drop the issue.
3. They get defensive and angry.
No one likes being criticised, but narcissists take it to another level. They’ll see any confrontation as a personal attack and immediately go on the defensive. They may lash out with anger, hurling insults and accusations. They’ll bluster and shout, maybe even break things. The angrier they get, the more threatened they feel. Stay calm in the face of their fury. Speak slowly and firmly. Show them their intimidation tactics won’t work on you any more.
4. They blame-shift.
Narcissists are allergic to accountability. Whatever you’re confronting them about, they’ll find a way to make it someone else’s fault — most likely yours. They’ll dredge up past grievances and twist them to justify their actions. They’ll accuse you of being too controlling, too needy, or too unreasonable. Anything to shift the blame off themselves. Don’t engage with this blame game. Stay focused on the issue at hand and refuse to be derailed.
5. They give a non-apology.
If you manage to back a narcissist into a corner, they may begrudgingly offer an apology. But listen closely because it’s likely to be a classic non-apology. They’ll say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry if you were offended.” Notice how there’s no actual admission of wrongdoing? It’s just a subtle way to make it your problem. Real apologies come with changed behaviour. Anything else is just lip service.
6. They love bomb you.
Some narcissists will try to charm their way out of a confrontation. They’ll suddenly become uncharacteristically sweet and attentive. They’ll shower you with compliments, gifts, and promises to change. This “love-bombing” is designed to distract you from the issue at hand and make you second-guess yourself. Don’t be fooled by this temporary niceness. It’s just a ploy to regain control and keep you under their thumb.
7. They give you the silent treatment.
The silent treatment is a favourite weapon in the narcissist’s arsenal. If charm doesn’t work, they’ll withdraw and shut you out. They’ll refuse to speak to you or even acknowledge your presence. This is meant to punish you and make you feel isolated and powerless. They’re hoping you’ll get so unnerved by the silence that you’ll cave and apologise just to get them to talk to you again. Don’t take the bait. Stick to your guns.
8. They smear your reputation.
If a narcissist feels truly threatened by your confrontation, they may try to smear your reputation. They’ll spread lies and twisted half-truths to your friends, family, or colleagues. They’ll paint you as the unstable, unreasonable one. They may even try to turn people against you. This character assassination is a pre-emptive strike in case you try to expose their true colours. Document everything and be prepared to set the record straight.
9. They retaliate.
Narcissists often have a vindictive streak. If they feel slighted by your confrontation, they may look for ways to get back at you. This could mean anything from the silent treatment to outright sabotage. They may try to undermine you at work, turn your kids against you, or even get physically intimidating. The retaliation may not come right away — they may bide their time until they can catch you off guard. Stay vigilant and have a safety plan.
10. They guilt-trip you.
Guilt is a go-to weapon for many narcissists. If anger and charm don’t work, they’ll try to emotionally blackmail you. They’ll bring up all the nice things they’ve done and sacrifices they’ve made, implying you’re ungrateful. They’ll talk about how hurt they are, how they don’t deserve this treatment after all they’ve done for you. The aim is to make you feel like the bad guy and capitulate. Recognise this for the manipulation it is.
11. They stonewall you.
Some narcissists will simply refuse to engage when confronted. They’ll shut down, walk away, or change the subject. They’ll give you the “whatever” treatment, refusing to seriously address your concerns. This is a control move, designed to make you feel unimportant and powerless. They’re sending the message that they don’t have to explain themselves to you. Keep stating your case calmly and firmly, even if they’re not receptive. You’re doing this for you, not them.
12. They claim to be “brutally honest.”
Narcissists often try to pass off their cruelty as honesty. When confronted on their bad behaviour, they’ll insist they’re just being “real” with you. They’ll claim to be speaking hard truths that you’re too sensitive to handle. In reality, they’re just using “honesty” as a smokescreen for abuse. There’s a difference between being direct and being brutal. Don’t let them shame you for having perfectly reasonable boundaries and expectations.
13. They try to rope in allies.
Narcissists like to have backup, especially when they feel threatened. When you confront them, they may try to bring other people into the mix to gang up on you. They’ll play innocent and act bewildered, as if your completely rational grievances are coming out of nowhere. The goal is to surround you with the false perception that you’re the problem. If flying monkeys get involved, stand your ground. You know your truth.
14. They make grand promises that they won’t keep.
When all else fails, narcissists will often resort to big, sweeping promises. They’ll swear up and down that they’ll change, that things will be different. They’ll say whatever they think you want to hear to get you off their back. They may even believe it in the moment. But their promises are only as good as their actions. If they’re serious, they’ll walk the walk, not just talk the talk. Don’t fall for future-faking.
