As your parents get older, your relationship with them inevitably changes.
They may need more support, and you may find yourself taking on a caregiving role. However, even with the best intentions, you can sometimes say things that are hurtful, condescending, or just plain insensitive. To help you navigate this new dynamic, here are 15 things you should never say to your ageing parents, along with some tips on what to say instead.
1. “You’re so forgetful these days.”
Pointing out your parent’s memory lapses can be hurtful and embarrassing. Instead of criticising, try offering gentle reminders or memory aids. If you’re concerned about serious cognitive decline, raise the issue with empathy and respect. Say something like, “I’ve noticed you seem to be having more trouble remembering things lately. Have you talked to your doctor about it? I’m here to support you if you need help.”
2. “You’re too old to be doing that.”
Ageist comments like this can make your parents feel patronised and diminished. As long as they’re not endangering themselves or other people, let them make their own choices about how they spend their time. If you have genuine concerns about their safety or well-being, express them in a non-judgmental way. Try saying, “I know how much you enjoy [activity], but I worry about you getting hurt. Is there a way we can make it safer for you?”
3. “I don’t have time for this.”
As your parents age, they may require more of your time and attention. Brushing them off with comments about how busy you are can make them feel like a burden. If you’re genuinely overwhelmed, try to find ways to balance your responsibilities or seek help from other family members. When your parents need you, give them your full attention and let them know they’re a priority.
4. “Why haven’t you [insert task] yet?”
Nagging your parents about undone chores or errands can make them feel like children being scolded. Remember that they’re adults with their own priorities and challenges. If you’re concerned that they’re struggling to keep up with tasks, offer to help in a respectful way. Say something like, “I noticed the garden is getting a bit overgrown. Would you like me to come over on the weekend and give you a hand with it?”
5. “You’re so stubborn.”
Source: Unsplash Calling your parents stubborn or set in their ways can make them feel attacked and defensive. Instead of labelling them, try to understand their perspective and find common ground. If you’re butting heads over a decision, say something like, “I know we see this differently, but I respect your point of view. Can we talk through our options and find a solution that works for both of us?”
6. “You’re just like your mother/father.”
Comparing your parent to their own parents can be a sore spot, especially if they had a difficult relationship. Even if you mean it as a compliment, it can stir up painful memories or resentments. Focus on appreciating your parent for who they are as an individual, not who they remind you of.
7. “I told you so.”
No one likes to hear “I told you so,” least of all your ageing parents. If they make a mistake or a choice you disagree with, resist the urge to gloat or lecture. Instead, offer your support and help them find a solution. Say something like, “I know this isn’t what you hoped for, but we’ll figure it out together. What do you need from me?”
8. “You’re overreacting.”
Dismissing your parent’s feelings or concerns as an overreaction can make them feel invalidated and unheard. Remember that what seems minor to you may be a big deal to them, especially if they’re facing new challenges or losses. Take their emotions seriously and offer empathy and support. Say something like, “I can see this is really upsetting for you. Tell me more about what you’re feeling.”
9. “You need to get over it.”
Grief, loss, and change are a natural part of ageing, but that doesn’t mean your parents should just “get over” their struggles. Telling them to move on or snap out of it can make them feel rushed and misunderstood. Instead, give them space to process their emotions at their own pace. Say something like, “I know you’re going through a tough time. I’m here to listen whenever you need to talk.”
10. “Why do you need so much help?”
As your parents age, they may need more assistance with daily tasks or medical needs. Questioning why they need help can make them feel defensive or ashamed. Instead, focus on how you can support them while preserving their independence and dignity. Say something like, “I know it’s not easy to ask for help, but I’m glad you trust me enough to let me support you. What would be most helpful for you right now?”
11. “You’re lucky to have me.”
While it’s true that your parents are fortunate to have your support, framing it as luck can make them feel indebted or burdensome. Remember that caring for your parents is a privilege, not a favour. Express your love and commitment without strings attached. Say something like, “I’m so grateful for our relationship and the chance to be there for you, just like you’ve always been there for me.”
12. “You should be [insert emotion].”
Source: Unsplash Telling your parents how they should feel, whether it’s grateful, happy, or forgiving, can come across as dismissive and controlling. Remember that their emotions are valid, even if you don’t understand or agree with them. Instead of dictating how they should feel, create a safe space for them to express themselves honestly. Say something like, “I hear how [emotion] you are about this. Can you tell me more about what you’re going through?”
13. “You’re not [insert negative comparison].”
Comparing your parents to other people their age, whether it’s to criticise or compliment them, can backfire. It can make them feel judged, pressured, or like they’re not measuring up. Focus on appreciating your parents for who they are, not how they stack up against other people. Say something like, “I admire so many things about you, like your [positive quality]. You inspire me to be my best self.”
14. “You never [insert complaint].”
Using “never” statements to criticise your parents can put them on the defensive and make them feel unappreciated. Instead of focusing on what they don’t do, express your needs and feelings directly. Say something like, “I’ve been feeling [emotion] lately because I need more [specific support]. Can we talk about ways we can work together on this?”
15. “I can’t handle this anymore.”
Caregiving can be emotionally and physically exhausting, but telling your parents you can’t handle it can make them feel like a burden or a failure. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, seek support from other family members, friends, or professionals. Be honest with your parents about your challenges, but reaffirm your commitment to their well-being. Say something like, “I love you and I’m committed to being here for you, but I’m struggling to balance everything right now. Can we talk about ways we can get extra support so I can be the best [son/daughter] I can be?”
