Dealing with a parent who always plays the victim can be exhausting, frustrating, and emotionally draining.
It’s a toxic dynamic that can leave you feeling guilty, responsible, and stuck in an endless cycle of trying to please someone who refuses to take accountability for their own actions and emotions. But here’s the thing — you are not responsible for your parent’s happiness or well-being, and you have the right to set boundaries and prioritise your own mental health. Here are 16 strategies for dealing with a parent who always plays the victim.
1. Recognise the pattern.
The first step in dealing with a parent who plays the victim is to recognise the pattern. Does your parent constantly blame others for their problems? Do they play the martyr, acting like they’ve sacrificed everything for you, and now you owe them? Do they guilt-trip you or manipulate you into doing things for them? Once you start to see the pattern, it becomes easier to detach from the drama and set boundaries.
2. Don’t take it personally.
Your parent’s victim mentality has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their own unresolved issues and emotional baggage. Don’t take their words or actions personally, even if they try to make it about you. Remind yourself that their behaviour is a reflection of them, not you, and that you are not responsible for their happiness or well-being.
3. Set boundaries.
Setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with a parent who plays the victim. Be clear about what you will and won’t tolerate, and communicate your boundaries firmly and consistently. For example, you might say something like, “I’m sorry you’re feeling upset, but I won’t listen to you blame me for your problems. If you want to have a constructive conversation, I’m here, but otherwise, I need to end this call.”
4. Practice detachment.
Detaching from your parent’s drama and emotions is key to maintaining your own emotional well-being. This doesn’t mean you stop caring about them, but rather that you stop allowing their moods and behaviours to dictate your own. Practice letting go of the need to fix or control the situation, and focus on taking care of yourself instead.
5. Validate their feelings, not their behaviour.
It’s important to acknowledge your parent’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with their behaviour. Validating their emotions shows empathy and can help de-escalate the situation. For example, you might say something like, “I can see that you’re feeling hurt and frustrated right now.” However, be careful not to validate their victim mentality or enable their toxic behaviour.
6. Encourage responsibility and accountability.
Encourage your parent to take responsibility for their own actions and emotions, rather than blaming others or playing the victim. This might involve gently pointing out when they’re engaging in victim behaviour, and suggesting alternative ways of looking at the situation. For example, you might say something like, “I understand you’re upset, but blaming me isn’t going to solve the problem. What can you do to take care of yourself right now?”
7. Practice self-care.
Dealing with a parent who plays the victim can be emotionally exhausting, so it’s important to make sure you’re not skipping out on self-care. Make time for activities that nourish your body, mind, and spirit, whether it’s exercise, meditation, therapy, or spending time with supportive friends. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so taking care of yourself is not selfish — it’s necessary.
8. Look for support.
You don’t have to deal with this situation alone. Seek out support from friends, family members, or a therapist who can offer a listening ear and helpful advice. Talking to others who have dealt with similar situations can also be validating and empowering. Remember, there is no shame in asking for help when you need it.
9. Use “I” statements.
When communicating with your parent, use “I” statements to express your own thoughts and feelings, rather than accusing or blaming them. For example, instead of saying “You always make me feel guilty,” try saying “I feel guilty when you say things like that.” This approach is less likely to trigger defensiveness and can help foster more productive conversations.
10. Don’t engage in the drama.
It can be tempting to get sucked into your parent’s drama and engage in arguments or power struggles, but this rarely leads to positive outcomes. Instead, practice disengaging from the drama and staying centred in your own truth. This might mean calmly stating your position and then walking away, or simply refusing to engage in circular conversations that go nowhere.
11. Focus on solutions, not problems.
When your parent starts playing the victim, try to steer the conversation towards solutions rather than dwelling on problems. Ask questions like, “What can we do to move forward from here?” or “What steps can you take to improve the situation?” By focusing on action and progress, you can help shift the dynamic away from victimhood and towards empowerment.
12. Recognise your own triggers.
Dealing with a parent who plays the victim can be triggering, especially if you have your own unresolved trauma or issues with codependency. Take time to explore your own emotional triggers and develop strategies for managing them in a healthy way. This might involve working with a therapist, practising mindfulness, or setting firmer boundaries around your emotional energy.
13. Celebrate your own successes.
It’s easy to get so caught up in your parent’s drama that you forget to celebrate your own successes and accomplishments. Make a conscious effort to acknowledge and appreciate the good things in your life, no matter how small they may seem. Celebrating your own growth and progress can help counteract the negativity and victimhood you may be absorbing from your parent.
14. Practice forgiveness (for yourself).
Source: Unsplash Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning your parent’s behaviour or letting them off the hook — it means releasing yourself from the anger, resentment, and hurt that can keep you stuck in a toxic dynamic. Practice forgiving yourself for any guilt or shame you may feel around the situation, and for any times you may have enabled or contributed to the problem. Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not necessarily the other person.
15. Know when to walk away.
In some cases, the healthiest thing you can do is to create distance or even cut ties with a parent who consistently plays the victim and refuses to change. This is a difficult and painful decision, but it may be necessary for your own well-being and growth. Remember, you have the right to put your own mental health and happiness first, even if it means setting boundaries with family members.
16. Embrace your own empowerment.
Dealing with a parent who plays the victim can be a long and challenging journey, but it can also be an opportunity for personal growth and empowerment. As you learn to set boundaries, detach from drama, and prioritise your own well-being, you may find that you become stronger, more resilient, and more confident in your own abilities. Embrace this process of empowerment, and trust that you have the strength and wisdom to create a healthier, happier life for yourself, regardless of what challenges you may face along the way.
