Narcissists are experts at manipulation and deception.
They can be charming and charismatic one moment, then cold and cruel the next. It’s easy to get sucked in by their grandiose persona and miss the red flags that show their true narcissistic colours. But if you know what to look for, you can spot the creepy, toxic behaviours that give away the self-obsessed ego maniac lurking beneath the surface. Here are 14 unsettling things narcissists do that should set off the alarm bells.
1. They love bomb you.
Narcissists often kick off relationships with over-the-top gestures of affection and adoration. They’ll shower you with compliments, gifts, and constant attention, making you feel like the most special person in the world. It can be intoxicating, but don’t be fooled. This “love bombing” isn’t about you — it’s a tactic to get you hooked, so the narcissist can gain power and control. Once they have you reeled in, the adulation will turn to indifference or abuse.
2. They gaslight you.
Narcissists are expert liars and manipulators. One of their favourite moves is gaslighting — a form of psychological manipulation that makes you question your own perceptions, memories, and sanity. They’ll flat out deny things you know they said or did, insist you’re misremembering events, or accuse you of being “too sensitive” or “crazy.” It’s a slow, insidious process that erodes your confidence and makes you doubt yourself, giving the narcissist more power.
3. They’re pathologically jealous.
Most people feel a twinge of jealousy from time to time, but narcissists take it to a pathological level. They’re intensely envious and possessive, always suspecting you of cheating or giving attention to someone else. Even completely innocent interactions spark accusations and interrogations. It’s not about genuine concern for the relationship — it’s a projection of their own infidelity and a desire to control your every move. No matter how much you reassure them, their jealous paranoia never stops.
4. They give backhanded compliments.
Narcissists have a knack for delivering compliments that are actually insults in disguise. They’ll praise one aspect of you while simultaneously putting down another, like saying, “You look so great — I hardly noticed the few extra pounds!” Or they’ll compare you unfavourably to someone else: “You’re almost as smart as my ex.” These backhanded jabs are designed to undermine your self-esteem and keep you seeking the narcissist’s approval. Don’t fall for it.
5. They violate your boundaries.
Narcissists believe they’re entitled to do whatever they want, whenever they want. They see other people as extensions of themselves, not individuals with their own needs and boundaries. As a result, they’ll constantly overstep and ignore the limits you try to set. They’ll show up uninvited, snoop through your phone and belongings, make big decisions without consulting you, and bully you into doing things you’re not comfortable with. Your “no” means nothing to them.
6. They use people.
To a narcissist, people are just tools to be used for their own gain. They’ll cultivate relationships solely based on what the other person can do for them, not any genuine care or shared connection. Once they’ve got what they need — whether it’s money, status, physical intimacy, or a self-esteem boost — they’ll casually discard the person and move on to the next target. Everyone is expendable and replaceable in the narcissist’s world.
7. They hold grudges forever.
Narcissists are hyper-sensitive to any perceived slight or criticism, and they never, ever let it go. Even the most minor offences get aggrandised into major attacks on the narcissist’s identity. They’ll nurse these grudges for years, plotting petty acts of retaliation while pretending they’re above it all. Forgiveness and letting bygones be bygones just aren’t in their self-obsessed emotional vocabulary. Disagree or disappoint a narcissist, and you’re likely to remain on their hit list for life.
8. They idealise and devalue you.
A relationship with a narcissist is a dizzying rollercoaster of idealising and devaluing. When they’re putting you up on a pedestal, it’s exhilarating. You feel adored and appreciated like never before. But it never lasts. Inevitably, the narcissist will find some flaw or transgression to fixate on and abruptly devalue you. Suddenly, you’re being treated with contempt, coldness, and rage. This push-pull dynamic keeps you destabilised and doing backflips for the narcissist’s mercurial approval.
9. They mock your vulnerabilities.
Opening up and sharing vulnerabilities is an important part of building intimacy. But tell a narcissist about your insecurities, fears, or painful past experiences, and it’s like handing them a loaded weapon. They’ll store mental notes on all your sensitive spots and use them against you later. In fights, they’ll mock your biggest anxieties and throw your deepest secrets in your face. Nothing is off limits if it gives the narcissist more power to hurt and control you.
10. They always play the victim.
Narcissists are experts at playing the victim to evade accountability. Whenever they’re called out on their hurtful behaviour, they’ll immediately flip the script to make themselves the injured party. They’ll spin elaborate stories painting themselves as the long-suffering saint and you (or whoever is confronting them) as the cruel, unreasonable aggressor. This is a classic DARVO tactic — Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. The goal is to make you back down and even apologise for daring to challenge them.
11. They smear your reputation.
A narcissist’s ego can’t handle rejection or being considered the “bad guy”. So when a relationship implodes or their misdeeds are exposed, they’ll often launch a secret smear campaign to discredit their victims. They’ll spread nasty rumours and gossip to anyone who’ll listen, twisting the truth to cast you as the unstable, irrational, untrustworthy one. These pre-emptive strikes make people doubt your credibility, isolating you from support and allowing the narcissist’s misbehavior to go unchallenged.
12. They project their dark side onto you.
Narcissists despise the darker parts of their personality and can’t tolerate seeing them in themselves. To escape this harsh self-reflection, they project these traits onto others, especially their romantic partners. Suddenly, you’re the selfish, lying, manipulative, controlling, overly jealous one. Once the narcissist has decided you possess these flaws, it becomes their reality — no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary. It’s a mind-bending defence mechanism that keeps their fragile self-image intact.
13. They withhold affection to punish you.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists wield affection and approval like weapons. When you’re behaving how they want, you’ll be showered with it. But the moment you challenge or disappoint them, they’ll give you the cold shoulder. Suddenly, the warmth and adoration vanish, and you’re faced with stony silence and icy glares. This silent treatment can go on for days, with the narcissist ignoring your texts, withholding physical touch, even pretending you don’t exist. It’s a cruel punishment designed to make you desperate for their validation.
14. They lack empathy.
Source: Unsplash Perhaps the most unnerving trait of narcissists is their total lack of empathy. They’re incapable of genuinely putting themselves in another person’s shoes and feeling their pain. Sure, they can sometimes fake empathy by offering the “right” sympathetic reactions, but there’s a hollowness to it. Push a little deeper and you’ll hit a wall where true compassion should be. This emotional blindness allows them to be astonishingly cruel without any guilt or remorse. To them, other people are just cardboard cutouts.
