Narcissists are masters of manipulation and control, and when things don’t go their way, their true colours start to show.
If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you know how quickly they can switch from charming and charismatic to cold, cruel, and downright nasty. Their fragile egos can’t handle even the slightest criticism or rejection, and they’ll go to great lengths to maintain their sense of superiority and control. Here are 16 ways a narcissist typically acts when things don’t go according to their plan.
1. They play the blame game.
Narcissists never take responsibility for their own actions or mistakes. When something goes wrong, they’re quick to point the finger at anyone and everyone else. They’ll blame their partner, their coworkers, the weather, the traffic — anything to avoid admitting that they might be at fault. And if you try to call them out on their behaviour, be prepared for a barrage of excuses, justifications, and gaslighting.
2. They throw adult tantrums.
When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they can throw a tantrum that would put any toddler to shame. They might yell, scream, slam doors, or even break things in a fit of rage. They have no problem making a scene in public or in front of other people because they feel entitled to express their anger and frustration however they see fit. These tantrums are designed to intimidate and control, and to make everyone around them walk on eggshells.
3. They give you the silent treatment.
Source: Unsplash On the other end of the spectrum, some narcissists will resort to the silent treatment when they don’t get their way. They’ll give you the cold shoulder, refuse to answer your calls or texts, and generally act like you don’t exist. This is a form of emotional manipulation designed to make you feel guilty, anxious, and desperate for their attention. They want you to come crawling back to them, apologising for whatever perceived slight you committed.
4. They start smear campaigns.
Source: Unsplash If a narcissist feels like they’ve been wronged or rejected, they might engage in a smear campaign to destroy your reputation. They’ll spread rumours and lies about you to anyone who will listen — friends, family, coworkers, even strangers on the internet. They have no problem twisting the truth or even making things up entirely to paint you in a negative light. Their goal is to turn everyone against you and make you feel isolated and alone.
5. They play the victim.
Narcissists are experts at playing the victim when things don’t go their way. They’ll act as if they’re the ones who have been wronged, even if they’re the ones who caused the problem in the first place. They’ll cry, pout, and generally make everyone around them feel sorry for them. This is a tactic designed to garner sympathy and attention, and to make you feel like you’re the one who needs to apologise and make things right.
6. They gaslight you.
Gaslighting is a favourite tactic of narcissists, and they’ll use it whenever they feel like they’re losing control of a situation. They’ll try to make you question your own reality, memories, and perceptions. They might tell you that something you clearly remember never happened, or that you’re overreacting to their behaviour. They’ll use phrases like “you’re too sensitive” or “you’re imagining things” to make you doubt yourself and your own instincts.
7. They threaten and intimidate.
When a narcissist feels like they’re losing control, they might resort to threats and intimidation to get their way. They might threaten to leave you, to hurt themselves or other people, or to ruin your life in some way. These threats are designed to scare you into compliance and to keep you under their thumb. They want you to feel like you have no choice but to do what they say, or else face dire consequences.
8. They give backhanded compliments.
Narcissists are masters of the backhanded compliment — a comment that seems like praise on the surface, but is actually a subtle jab or insult. For example, they might say something like, “You look great in that dress — it really hides your problem areas.” These comments are designed to undermine your confidence and keep you seeking their approval. They want you to feel like you’re never quite good enough, regardless of what you do.
9. They twist your words.
Narcissists are skilled at twisting your words and using them against you. They’ll take something you said in confidence and use it as ammunition later on. They might also intentionally misinterpret or misrepresent your words to make you look bad or to justify their own behaviour. This is a form of manipulation designed to keep you on the defensive and to make you feel like you can’t trust your own communication skills.
10. They play mind games.
Source: Unsplash Mind games are a narcissist’s bread and butter, and they’ll use them whenever they feel like they’re losing control of a situation. They might give you the silent treatment one day, then act like nothing happened the next. They might shower you with affection and attention one moment, then withdraw it completely the next. These hot-and-cold behaviours are designed to keep you off-balance and constantly seeking their approval and validation.
11. They triangulate.
Source: Unsplash Triangulation is a tactic narcissists use to pit people against each other and to maintain control over multiple relationships, Verywell Mind explains. They might tell you something negative that someone else said about you, or vice versa, in order to stir up drama and conflict. They might also use their relationships with other people as leverage, hinting that they have other options if you don’t comply with their demands. This is a way of keeping you insecure and dependent on their approval.
12. They stonewall.
Source: Unsplash Stonewalling is a tactic narcissists use to shut down communication and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They might refuse to engage in discussions or arguments, walking away or ignoring you completely. They might also give you the silent treatment or respond with one-word answers, making it impossible to have a productive conversation. This is a way of maintaining control and avoiding any real accountability or change.
13. They guilt-trip you.
Source: Unsplash Guilt-tripping is another favourite tactic of narcissists, and they’ll use it whenever they feel like they’re not getting their way. They might remind you of all the things they’ve done for you in the past, or make you feel like you owe them something for their generosity. They might also play on your empathy and compassion, making you feel like you’re a bad person if you don’t do what they want. This is a form of emotional blackmail designed to keep you under their control.
14. They rage.
Narcissistic rage is a terrifying thing to behold, and it can come out in full force when a narcissist feels like they’ve been wronged or rejected. They might scream, yell, break things, or even become physically violent. They have no problem making a scene or causing a commotion because they feel entitled to express their anger however they see fit. This rage is designed to intimidate and control, and to make you feel like you have no choice but to comply with their demands.
15. They engage in self-destructive behaviour.
When a narcissist feels like they’ve lost control of a situation, they might engage in self-destructive behaviour as a way of punishing you or getting your attention. They might threaten to hurt themselves, engage in reckless behaviour like drinking and driving, or even attempt suicide. These behaviours are designed to make you feel responsible for their well-being and to keep you tethered to them, even if the relationship is toxic and unhealthy.
16. They hoover.
Source: Unsplash Hoovering is a tactic narcissists use to suck you back into the relationship after they’ve discarded you. They might show up at your doorstep with flowers and apologies, promising to change and make things right. They might also use guilt, manipulation, or even threats to get you to take them back. This is a way of maintaining control over you and ensuring that you never truly escape their influence, no matter how much damage they’ve caused.
