Being cut off by your adult children can be devastating.
If this is happening to you, it’s time for some serious self-reflection. While every family situation is unique, there are common patterns that lead to estrangement between parents and their grown children. Take a hard look at your own behaviour and attitudes to see if any of the following reasons apply. It’s not easy to admit your faults, of course, but it’s necessary if you want to repair your relationship with your children.
1. You’re overly critical and judgmental.
Constantly criticising your adult children’s choices, whether it’s their career, partner, parenting style, or lifestyle, is a guaranteed way to push them away. Even if you think you’re offering helpful advice, your children may perceive it as judgment and disapproval. They’re adults now and need to make their own decisions without feeling belittled or second-guessed by you at every turn. Back off on the critiques and focus on being supportive, even if you don’t always agree with them.
2. You ignore their boundaries.
If you regularly drop by unannounced, offer unsolicited advice, or pry into your adult children’s personal lives, you’re overstepping boundaries. Grown children need space and privacy to build their own lives separate from their parents. Respect their wishes if they ask you to call before visiting or to avoid certain sensitive topics. Remember, your role is no longer to control them, but to be a supportive presence in their lives on their terms.
3. You play favourites.
Source: Unsplash Openly favouring one adult child over another is hurtful and damaging to your relationships with all your children. Even if you click better with one child’s personality or lifestyle, it’s essential to treat all your children with equal love and respect. Don’t compare your children or hold one up as the golden standard. Appreciate each child’s unique qualities and make an effort to connect with them as individuals.
4. You’re selfish with your time and resources.
Source: Unsplash If you’re always asking for your adult children’s help and support but rarely reciprocate, they may feel used and unappreciated. Expecting your children to constantly prioritise your needs over their own families and responsibilities is selfish and unsustainable. Be willing to offer your time and resources to help your children, whether it’s babysitting, running errands, or offering financial support during tough times. Show them that you value their needs as much as your own.
5. You refuse to apologise or admit when you’re wrong.
Source: Unsplash If you’ve hurt your adult children with your words or actions, a sincere apology can go a long way toward healing the relationship. However, refusing to acknowledge your mistakes or always deflecting blame can make your children feel unheard and invalidated. Take responsibility for your role in conflicts and show genuine remorse for any pain you’ve caused. Be open to your children’s feelings and perspectives, even if it’s uncomfortable to face your own shortcomings.
6. You meddle in their relationships.
Source: Unsplash Whether it’s their marriage, friendships, or parenting choices, meddling in your adult children’s relationships is a quick way to alienate them. Even if you have concerns about their partner or how they’re raising your grandchildren, it’s not your place to interfere unless asked. Trust that you raised them to make good decisions and respect their autonomy. If they want your advice, they’ll ask for it. Otherwise, keep your opinions to yourself and focus on being a supportive and accepting presence in their lives.
7. You’re stuck in the past.
Source: Unsplash Constantly bringing up your adult children’s past mistakes, failures, or embarrassing moments can make them feel like they can’t move forward in your eyes. They may avoid spending time with you because they feel judged and defined by their past. Let go of old grudges and resentments, and focus on who your children are now. Celebrate their growth and accomplishments, and show them that you see them as capable, evolving adults.
8. You demand too much of their time.
Source: Unsplash While it’s natural to want to spend quality time with your adult children, demanding too much of their time and attention can strain the relationship. They have their own lives, responsibilities, and priorities now, and may not be able to drop everything to cater to your needs. Be understanding if they can’t make it to every family gathering or spend hours on the phone with you each week. Find a balance that works for both of you, and cherish the time you do have together without guilt or pressure.
9. You’re unwilling to compromise.
Source: Unsplash Insisting on always having things your way, whether it’s holiday traditions, family vacations, or simple outings, can make your adult children feel like their preferences don’t matter. Be open to compromising and trying new things that your children suggest. Show them that you value their input and are willing to meet them halfway. Flexibility and adaptability are key to maintaining strong relationships with your grown children.
10. You overshare on social media.
Source: Unsplash Given the importance of social media, it’s easy to cross lines when it comes to sharing about your adult children’s lives. Posting pictures, updates, or personal details about them without their consent can feel like a violation of privacy. Respect their boundaries around what they’re comfortable having shared online, and ask permission before posting anything that involves them. Remember, their online presence is part of their personal and professional identity, and they have a right to control it.
11. You’re dismissive of their feelings.
Source: Unsplash When your adult children come to you with concerns, struggles, or emotional needs, dismissing or minimising their feelings can make them feel unheard and unsupported. Avoid responses like “It’s not a big deal” or “You’ll get over it” when they share something important to them. Instead, validate their emotions and show empathy for their experiences. Let them know that you’re there to listen without judgment and offer support in whatever way they need.
12. You enable unhealthy behaviours.
Source: Unsplash While it’s natural to want to help your adult children, enabling unhealthy behaviours like substance abuse, financial irresponsibility, or toxic relationships can ultimately harm them and your relationship. Set clear boundaries around what you will and won’t do to support them, and encourage them to take responsibility for their own choices. Offer resources and support for positive change, but don’t shield them from the consequences of their actions. Tough love can be necessary for their growth and well-being.
13. You don’t respect their parenting choices.
Source: Unsplash If you’re constantly second-guessing or undermining your adult children’s parenting choices, they may limit your involvement with your grandchildren. Even if you don’t agree with every decision they make, it’s important to respect their authority as parents. Offer advice or support when asked, but don’t try to take over or impose your own parenting style. Trust that they have their children’s best interests at heart and are doing their best to raise them well.
14. You don’t accept their identity.
Source: Unsplash If your adult child has come out as LGBTQ+, changed religions, or made other significant identity shifts, refusing to accept and support them can deeply damage your relationship. Your love for your child should be unconditional, regardless of who they are or who they love. Educate yourself, challenge your biases, and strive to be an ally for your child. Show them that you see, value, and celebrate them for exactly who they are.
15. You have unrealistic expectations and refuse to budge on them.
Source: Unsplash If you had specific dreams or expectations for your adult children’s lives that haven’t panned out, holding on to those unrealistic standards can put undue pressure on them. They may feel like they can never measure up or be good enough in your eyes. Let go of your agenda for their lives and embrace the path they’ve chosen for themselves. Celebrate their successes, support them through challenges, and show them that your love and approval aren’t contingent on them fulfilling your expectations.
16. You’re not willing to do the work.
Source: Unsplash Repairing a strained relationship with your adult children takes time, effort, and a willingness to confront hard truths about yourself, Psychology Today points out. If you’re not ready to do the work of self-reflection, apologising, and making meaningful changes, your children may not see a path forward. Commit to the process of healing and growth, even when it’s uncomfortable. Show your children that you’re willing to put in the effort to be the parent they need and deserve. With patience, humility, and genuine change, it’s possible to rebuild even the most fractured relationships.
