If you want to avoid the ire and disdain of coffee snobs everywhere, there are some things you just shouldn’t say.
These 11 phrases are guaranteed to make any self-respecting coffee connoisseur cringe, roll their eyes, and question your very existence. Consider this your wake-up call to stop your coffee philistinism and start respecting the bean like a true aficionado.
1. “I’ll have a venti Frappuccino with extra whip and caramel drizzle.”
Order this sugary monstrosity in front of a coffee snob and watch their face contort in disgust. A real coffee lover would never dilute the pure, unadulterated flavour of expertly roasted beans with all that syrupy junk. You want a coffee milkshake, not a respectable cup of joe. Have some self-respect and order a real drink.
2. “Starbucks is my favourite coffee shop.”
Professing your love for Starbucks to a coffee snob is like telling a foodie that McDonald’s is your favourite restaurant. They’ll immediately write you off as someone with an unsophisticated palate who settles for mediocre, mass-produced swill. Expand your horizons and support your local independent roasters instead of just blindly pledging loyalty to a corporate giant.
3. “I only drink coffee for the caffeine boost.”
Reducing coffee to a mere vehicle for a stimulant is a slap in the face to the artisans who devote their lives to cultivating the perfect cup. Coffee is meant to be savoured and appreciated for its complex flavour profile, not just mindlessly guzzled for a quick jolt of energy. If all you care about is caffeine, just take a pill and spare us your coffee philistinism.
4. “I don’t really taste the difference between light and dark roasts.”
Saying this to a coffee connoisseur is basically admitting that you have the palate of an undiscerning toddler. The difference between light and dark roasts is night and day — one highlights the bean’s delicate, fruity notes, while the other yields deep, toasty flavours. Train your taste buds and learn to appreciate the nuances like a real coffee aficionado.
5. “I always use cream and sugar — black coffee is way too bitter.”
Real coffee lovers embrace the bold, robust flavour of black coffee without needing to drown it in cloying additives. If you can’t handle a coffee’s natural bitterness, you haven’t developed an appreciation for the authentic taste of the bean. Toughen up your palate and learn to drink your coffee unadulterated like a true purist.
6. “Instant coffee gets the job done just as well as fresh brewed.”
Comparing instant coffee to the real deal is like equating a Happy Meal to a Michelin-starred feast. Sure, that sad packet of desiccated granules will technically give you a caffeine fix, but it tastes like soulless brown water, devoid of any of the vibrant flavour and complexity you’d get from freshly ground, properly brewed beans. Have some respect for the coffee craft.
7. “I’m not picky — gas station coffee is totally fine.”
Nothing betrays a lack of coffee standards quite like settling for the bottom-shelf sludge churned out by a crusty gas station carafe. That stale, scorched brew is the antithesis of a lovingly prepared cup from quality beans. Raise your expectations and treat yourself to coffee that doesn’t taste like it’s been festering for hours under fluorescent lights.
8. “I bought the cheapest store brand beans — coffee is coffee, right?”
Cheaping out on bargain-basement beans is a rookie mistake that will make any coffee devotee cringe. Quality coffee is an investment, and scrimping on subpar beans will only yield a lacklustre cup that fails to showcase the potential of the plant. Splurge on the good stuff from reputable roasters and taste the difference for yourself.
9. “I just microwave day-old coffee when I want a cup.”
Reheating stale, leftover coffee in the microwave is a cardinal sin that will make any self-respecting coffee lover shudder. Coffee is meant to be consumed fresh, when its flavours are at their peak — not as a tepid, half-dead resurrection of yesterday’s brew. If you’re too lazy to make a proper cup, maybe reconsider whether you deserve to enjoy coffee at all.
10. “I like my coffee weak and watery.”
Diluting your coffee until it’s practically translucent is an insult to the beans and the brewing process. Coffee should be rich, full-bodied, and packed with flavour — not a feeble, insipid imitation of the real thing. If you’re going to bother with coffee at all, at least have the decency to make it strong enough to actually taste like something.
11. “I don’t really know anything about coffee, I just drink it.”
Source: Unsplash Admitting your coffee ignorance to a connoisseur is a quick way to lose their respect. True coffee lovers are passionate about their beverage of choice and take the time to educate themselves on everything from bean origins to brewing methods. If you can’t be bothered to learn the basics, don’t expect to be taken seriously in coffee snob circles. Either get studying or accept your place as a casual dabbler.
