If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know first-hand how soul-sucking it can be.
These emotional vampires have a play book they use to get into your head, strip you of your identity, and leave you a hollow shell of your former self. But knowledge is power, so here are some things to look out for.
1. Love bombing
The narcissist showers you with attention, affection, and compliments in the beginning. They make you feel incredibly special and like you’re the only person in the world who truly gets them. This is deliberate — they are working overtime to get you hooked so they can slowly start to take over your life. Don’t fall for it. Keep your eyes open and remember that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
2. Isolating you from friends and family
The narcissist wants you all to themselves. They’ll subtly (or not so subtly) start driving wedges between you and the people who care about you. Maybe they’ll imply your best friend is jealous, or your sister is trying to control you. The goal is to cut you off from your support system so you only have them. Don’t let it happen. Maintain your relationships, even if the narcissist pouts about it.
3. Gaslighting
This is the narcissist’s favourite tactic. They’ll twist reality, deny things happened, and make you question your own memories and perceptions. You’ll start to feel like you’re going crazy. Write things down, keep receipts, and trust yourself. You’re not losing it, they’re just masters of manipulation who want you to doubt yourself so they can control the narrative.
4. Projecting their insecurities onto you
Narcissists are deeply insecure, but they’ll never admit it. Instead, they’ll accuse you of being jealous, needy, overly sensitive — all the things THEY actually are. It’s really messed up. Remember that defensiveness is often a sign of guilt. Don’t let them put their issues on you. Hand them back and keep it moving.
5. Slowly dismantling and destroying your self-esteem
It starts subtly, but the narcissist is a pro at eroding your confidence with sneaky put-downs and jabs disguised as jokes or concern. “Are you really going to eat that?” “That’s an… interesting outfit choice.” The negging is designed to make you doubt and dislike yourself so you’ll be easier to control. Recognise it for what it is and shut it down immediately. Your self-worth is not up for debate.
6. Dominating your time
The narcissist always wants to be the centre of attention, and they HATE sharing you. Slowly but surely, they’ll start monopolising your time. Suddenly, every weekend is booked up with what THEY want to do. Hobbies you used to enjoy fall by the wayside. Don’t let them call all the shots. Carve out time for yourself and your interests, even if they sulk about it.
7. Mooching off you
Narcissists are takers. They have no problem letting you pay their way, do all the work, and shoulder all the responsibility. But the second they get called out on it? Suddenly, YOU’RE the selfish one. Don’t let them gaslight you into being their sugar mama/daddy. Demand reciprocity in all things, financial and otherwise. A good partner pulls their own weight.
8. Making you responsible for their emotions
The narcissist has the emotional maturity of a toddler. Any time they’re upset, it’s somehow your fault and your job to fix it. They’ll pout, rage, and guilt trip you until you drop everything to cater to them. Don’t fall for it. Their feelings are not your responsibility to manage. Let them throw their tantrums. You’re not their emotional dumpster.
9. Constantly moving the goalposts
Nothing you do will ever be good enough for the narcissist. They’re always raising the bar so they have an excuse to be dissatisfied with you. First they want you to text more, then it’s that you text too much. You can’t win. Stop trying to please them and start pleasing yourself. As long as you’re happy with your efforts, that’s all that matters.
10. Baiting you into losing your cool
Narcissists are experts at pushing buttons until you finally snap. Then they play the victim and make it look like you’re the crazy one. Don’t take the bait. No one can make you lose control of yourself unless you let them. Practice disengaging and walking away when you feel yourself getting triggered. Your peace is worth protecting.
11. Boundary bulldozing
The narcissist doesn’t believe the rules apply to them. They think they should get a free pass to do whatever they want, whenever they want. Any boundaries you try to set will be met with resistance, if not outright hostility. Stand firm. “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe them unlimited access to yourself, no matter how much they pressure you.
12. Smear campaigning
When the narcissist finally realises they’ve lost their hold on you, they’ll go scorched earth. Suddenly, you’re the bad guy and they’ll tell anyone who’ll listen. Smear campaigns are designed to isolate and discredit you, but here’s the thing: people who really know you won’t buy it, and people who do? Weren’t your real friends anyway. Keep your head high and move on. Living well is the best revenge.
