Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be a confusing, painful, and deeply damaging experience. It’s not always easy to recognise the signs, especially when you’re in the midst of it, but there are certain patterns and behaviours that are hallmarks of narcissistic abuse. Here are the things that happen when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.
1. You’re always walking on eggshells.
Every day feels like a minefield. You’re constantly trying to anticipate their moods, their reactions, their triggers. You monitor every word you say, every move you make, trying desperately not to set them off. You live in a state of perpetual anxiety, never quite sure what will happen next. It’s exhausting, demoralising, and soul-crushing. You start to wonder if you’re going crazy, if you’re the problem. You’re not. This is what narcissistic abuse does to you.
They gaslight you constantly.
2. They manipulate you in every way they know how.
They’ll twist your words, deny things you know happened, and make you question your own sanity. They’ll tell you that you’re being too sensitive, too dramatic, too paranoid. They’ll say one thing one day and swear they never said it the next. They’ll lie to your face and then accuse you of being the liar — whatever it takes to maintain control and keep you off-balance. Don’t fall for it. Trust your gut, trust your memories, trust yourself.
3. You’re never good enough.
No matter how hard you try, you can never seem to meet their impossible standards. They always find something to criticise, something to belittle, something to hold over your head. They’ll compare you to other people, tell you how you fall short, make you feel like a constant disappointment. They chip away at your self-esteem, bit by bit, until you barely recognise yourself anymore. This isn’t love, it’s emotional warfare. You deserve so much better.
4. They play hot and cold.
One minute they’re showering you with affection and attention, the next they’re cold, distant, and dismissive. They build you up just to tear you down again. They keep you on a roller coaster of emotions, never quite sure where you stand. They use affection as a reward and withdrawal as a punishment. This isn’t intimacy, it’s control. They’re not inconsistent because they’re confused, they’re inconsistent because they’re using it to manipulate you.
5. You talk to your friends and family a whole lot less than you used to — and that’s how they like it.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists want to be the centre of your universe. They see your friends and family as threats, as competition for your time and attention. They’ll try to drive wedges between you and your loved ones, stirring up drama and conflict. They’ll discourage you from seeing people, from talking about your relationship, from seeking support. They’ll make you feel guilty for having a life outside of them. This is textbook abusive behaviour. Don’t let them cut you off from your support systems.
6. You’re expected to bend over backward for them.
Narcissists believe they deserve special treatment, that the rules don’t apply to them. They think they’re above it all, that they’re entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it. They’ll trample your boundaries, disregard your needs, and then act like you’re the one being unreasonable. They expect constant praise, constant admiration, constant attention. They want you to cater to their every whim, to put them on a pedestal. Don’t fall into this trap. You’re not obligated to worship them.
7. They never take responsibility for their actions.
In the mind of a narcissist, they can do no wrong. Everything is always someone else’s fault. They’ll blame you, their boss, their ex, their parents, the world at large, for all their problems and shortcomings. They refuse to own their mistakes, to apologise sincerely, to do the work of self-reflection and growth. They’re allergic to accountability. Meanwhile, they’ll hold you responsible for everything, including their own bad behaviour. Don’t carry that weight. Their choices are not your fault.
8. Their flaws suddenly become yours.
Narcissists are deeply insecure, but they can’t face their own flaws. Instead, they project them onto you. Whatever they’re guilty of, they’ll accuse you of it. If they’re cheating, they’ll accuse you of cheating. If they’re lying, they’ll call you a liar. If they’re being cruel, they’ll say you’re the abusive one. It’s a mind-bending defence mechanism that allows them to avoid confronting their own demons. Don’t get sucked into this twisted mirror world. Know the truth, even if they refuse to see it.
9. They treat you like an accessory.
To a narcissist, you’re not a whole person with your own thoughts, feelings, and needs. You’re an extension of them, a trophy to show off, a tool to use. They want you to reflect well on them, to make them look good. They’ll parade you around when it suits them, but ignore you when you’re not serving their image. They care more about how you make them look than how you actually feel. This isn’t partnership, it’s objectification. Remember, you’re so much more than somebody else’s arm candy.
10. They’re obsessed with power.
Everything is a power struggle with a narcissist. They need to feel like they’re in control, like they have the upper hand. They’ll use whatever tactics they can to gain and maintain dominance — emotional manipulation, financial abuse, even physical intimidation. They’ll keep score, always making sure they come out on top. They see relationships as a zero-sum game, meaning for them to win, you have to lose. This isn’t love, it’s warfare. True love is about balance, not dominance.
11. The concept of privacy is foreign to them.
Narcissists have no concept of personal boundaries. They feel entitled to every part of you — your space, your body, your thoughts. They’ll go through your phone, read your emails, show up at your work uninvited. They’ll interrogate you about every detail of your day, every interaction you have. They need to know everything, to have access to all of you. This isn’t intimacy, it’s invasion. You have a right to privacy, even (especially) in a relationship.
12. They’re pathologically jealous.
No matter how loyal you are, a narcissist will always suspect you of cheating. They’ll monitor your every move, question every friendship, accuse you of flirting with everyone. They’ll fly into jealous rages at the slightest perceived threat. But it’s not really about you — it’s about their own deep insecurities. They can’t trust because they know, on some level, that they’re not trustworthy themselves. They’re projecting their own faithlessness onto you. Don’t internalise their paranoia. Their jealousy says more about them than it does about you.
13. You’re constantly making excuses for them.
“They’re just stressed.” “They didn’t mean it.” “That’s just how they are.” Sound familiar? When you’re with a narcissist, you become a master at rationalisation. You make excuses for their bad behaviour, to yourself and to other people. You minimise their cruelty, you justify their selfishness. You do this because it’s easier than facing the painful truth — that you’re in an abusive relationship. But all the excuses in the world won’t change who they are. Stop defending the indefensible. Start being honest with yourself.
14. They make you feel crazy.
Gaslighting, projection, constant criticism, walking on eggshells — these are the hallmarks of narcissistic abuse. And they take a toll on your mental health. You start to question your own perceptions, your own sanity. You feel like you’re losing your grip on reality. You wonder if you’re the problem, if you’re the crazy one. You’re not. This is what it feels like to be psychologically manipulated. Trust your own mind. If it feels like madness, it’s not you, it’s them.
15. They have no empathy.
Narcissists are emotionally stunted. They can’t put themselves in your shoes, can’t imagine how their actions impact you. They can watch you cry, pour your heart out, bare your soul, and feel…nothing. They’re unmoved by your pain, uninterested in your struggles. They might put on a show of concern when it benefits them, but there’s no real depth of feeling. This emotional shallowness allows them to be endlessly callous and cruel. Don’t waste your vulnerability on someone who can’t cherish it.
16. You end up not recognising the person you see in the mirror.
Source: Unsplash Perhaps the most insidious effect of being with a narcissist is how it changes you. You become a shadow of your former self. Your confidence crumbles, your light dims, your spirit withers. You walk around in a state of constant anxiety, self-doubt, even self-loathing. You lose sight of who you are, of what you deserve. This is the real tragedy of narcissistic abuse — it doesn’t just hurt you, it fundamentally alters you. But here’s the thing — you are still in there. Beneath the fear and the doubt and the pain, your true self is waiting to be reclaimed. You can heal from this, you can recover your sense of self. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Because you, the real you, are worth fighting for. Don’t let a narcissist steal your identity. Reclaim it, cherish it, celebrate it. It’s yours, and no one can take it from you.
