Some people struggle to understand other people’s perspectives and emotions. This lack of empathy isn’t always a character flaw but can be traced back to their formative years. Here’s how certain childhood experiences can shape a person’s capacity for empathy later in life.
1. Their feelings were dismissed or invalidated.
Imagine growing up in a household where your feelings were constantly brushed aside or told they weren’t important. When a child’s emotional experiences are repeatedly dismissed, they learn to suppress their own feelings and become less attuned to other people’s, too. It’s like a muscle that hasn’t been exercised, so it weakens over time. This can make it hard for them to relate to other people’s emotions as adults.
2. They experienced emotional neglect.
Source: Unsplash Emotional neglect is when a child’s emotional needs aren’t met by their caregivers, Medical News Today explains. This can mean a lack of warmth, affection, or emotional support. Kids who grow up in emotionally neglectful environments often learn to suppress their feelings and become emotionally detached. They might struggle to understand and connect with their own feelings, making it difficult to empathize with anyone else’s.
3. They were punished for expressing their feelings.
Source: Unsplash If you were punished for crying, getting angry, or expressing any strong emotions as a child, you might have learned to bottle up your feelings. This can lead to emotional repression and a difficulty understanding and connecting with your feelings. And if you can’t understand what’s going on inside you, it’s even harder to understand and relate to the people around you.
4. They witnessed or experienced abuse or violence.
Source: Unsplash As Barnardo’s notes, exposure to violence or abuse can have a profound impact on a child’s emotional development. It can lead to feelings of fear, anger, and distrust, which can make it difficult to form healthy relationships and connect with people on an emotional level. Children who experience trauma might also develop coping mechanisms like emotional numbing or detachment, which can destroy their ability to empathise even further.
5. They were raised in a highly critical or judgmental environment.
Source: Unsplash Constantly being criticized or judged can make it hard for a child to develop a sense of self-worth and empathy. They might learn to judge themselves and everyone around them, focusing on flaws and shortcomings rather than strengths and positive qualities. This can lead to a lack of compassion and understanding for other people’s struggles and vulnerabilities.
6. They were raised by narcissistic or emotionally unavailable parents.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists and emotionally unavailable parents prioritise their own needs and desires over their kids’. They might be overly critical, demanding, or dismissive of their child’s emotions, which can leave them feeling unloved, unseen, and unheard. It can also make it difficult for them to develop a sense of empathy, as they never learned to consider other people’s feelings.
7. They were never taught how to identify or express their emotions.
Source: Unsplash Feelings can be messy and confusing, especially for children. If you were never taught how to identify and express your emotions in a healthy way, you might struggle with emotional regulation and empathy as an adult. You might not know how to put words to your feelings, or you might feel overwhelmed and confused by strong emotions. This lack of emotional literacy can make it difficult to understand and connect with people.
8. They were constantly told to “toughen up” or “get over it.”
Source: Unsplash Boys, in particular, are often told to suppress their emotions and “toughen up.” This message can be harmful, as it teaches boys that their feelings are not valid or important. This can lead to emotional repression and a difficulty understanding and expressing their own emotions. It can also make them less likely to empathise with people, as they’ve been taught to see emotions as a sign of weakness.
9. They were overprotected or overly indulged.
Source: Unsplash It might seem counterintuitive, but being overprotected or overly indulged as a child can actually hurt the development of empathy. When children are shielded from challenges or have their every whim catered to, they might not have the opportunity to learn how to cope with challenges or consider other people’s needs. They could eventually develop a sense of entitlement and find it hard to understand why not everyone gets what they want.
10. They were bullied or ostracised.
Source: Unsplash Being bullied or ostracised can be a deeply painful experience that can have lasting effects on a child’s emotional development, as King’s College London explains. It can lead to feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, and a fear of rejection. Children who are bullied might also develop a defensive or aggressive posture, which can make it difficult to form healthy relationships. They might see the world as a hostile place and not know how to trust people.
11. They lacked positive role models.
Source: Unsplash Children learn by observing the behaviour of the adults around them. If their parents or other caregivers were not empathetic or compassionate, they might not have had the opportunity to learn these important skills. They might not have seen empathy modelled in their relationships, which can make it difficult for them to understand and practice it themselves. Having positive role models who demonstrate empathy and compassion can be crucial for a child’s emotional development.
12. They were exposed to prejudice or discrimination.
Source: Unsplash Growing up in an environment where prejudice or discrimination is prevalent can make it difficult for a child to develop empathy for people from different backgrounds. They might learn to view certain groups as “other” or “less than,” which can lead to a lack of compassion and understanding for their experiences. It’s important to teach children about diversity, acceptance, and respect for all people, regardless of their race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or any other characteristic.
13. They were taught to suppress their emotions to maintain the peace.
Source: Unsplash In some families, maintaining a facade of harmony and avoiding conflict is prioritised over openly expressing feelings. Children might be told to “be quiet,” “don’t make a scene,” or “don’t upset your mother/father.” This can teach them to bottle up their feelings and avoid conflict at all costs. While a little diplomacy is important, constantly suppressing emotions can hinder the development of emotional intelligence and empathy.
14. They grew up in a chaotic or unstable environment.
Source: Unsplash Chaos and instability can be overwhelming for children, and they might learn to focus on self-preservation and survival rather than empathy for other people. They might become emotionally detached or numb to protect themselves from the constant stress and uncertainty. A stable and nurturing environment is crucial for healthy emotional development and the cultivation of empathy.
15. They were never taught the value of empathy.
Source: Unsplash Some people simply never learn the importance of empathy. They might not understand how their actions affect other people, or why it’s important to consider other people’s perspectives. This lack of understanding can lead to insensitive behaviour, hurtful comments, and a general disregard for other people’s feelings. It’s never too late to learn about empathy and its importance in building healthy relationships and contributing to a more compassionate world.
16. They were rewarded for achieving external validation and success, rather than for being kind and compassionate.
Source: Unsplash In some families, children are praised and rewarded for achieving external markers of success, such as good grades, athletic achievements, or popularity. While these things are important, they can overshadow the importance of kindness, compassion, and empathy. If a child is never acknowledged or praised for being a good friend, helping peple, or showing empathy, they might not learn to value these qualities.
