Sometimes the relationship with your adult child breaks down so completely that you’re not even sure where to begin fixing it.
Maybe years of accumulated hurt have built up walls that feel impossible to scale. Maybe something specific happened that created a rift you can’t seem to bridge. Or, maybe you just slowly drifted apart until you realised you don’t really know each other anymore. The good news is that it’s rarely actually too late, even when it feels like it is. These relationships can be rebuilt, but it requires swallowing your pride, doing some hard work on yourself, and approaching things completely differently than you might have in the past.
1. Stop defending what you did wrong.
Your first instinct might be to explain your side, justify your past actions, or point out all the ways your child is being unfair. Resist this urge completely. Every time you defend something that hurt them, you’re basically telling them their pain doesn’t matter. Even if you had good intentions, even if you were doing your best, even if they’re remembering things differently—none of that matters right now.
Instead of explaining why you did what you did, focus on acknowledging that it caused them pain. You can understand their perspective without agreeing that you’re a terrible person. The goal isn’t to win an argument about the past; it’s to rebuild a relationship for the future. Your explanations can come later, if ever. Right now, they need to know you’re willing to hear them without getting defensive.
2. Actually listen to what they’re telling you.
When your adult child tries to tell you how you hurt them, your brain probably goes into overdrive trying to formulate responses, corrections, or defences. Stop doing that. Listen like their words are the most important thing you’ll hear all day, because they probably are. Don’t interrupt, don’t correct their memory, and don’t minimise their experience.
Ask questions that show you’re trying to understand, not questions that poke holes in their story. Say things like “Tell me more about that” or “Help me understand how that felt for you.” This isn’t about gathering evidence for your counter-argument—it’s about genuinely understanding how your child experienced your relationship. You might learn things that surprise you, and some of it might be hard to hear, but this is essential groundwork.
3. Take full responsibility without adding “but.”
When you apologise, don’t add qualifiers, explanations, or deflections. “I’m sorry I hurt you, but I was going through a difficult time” isn’t really an apology—it’s an excuse with an apology attached. Your adult child has probably heard variations of this their entire life, and it’s one of the reasons your relationship is damaged in the first place.
A real apology sounds like: “I hurt you, and I’m sorry. I was wrong.” Full stop. No context about your stress levels, your own childhood, or how you were just trying to help. They don’t need to understand your motivations right now. They need to know you understand the impact. You can explore the why behind your actions in therapy or with friends, but not with your child during this fragile repair process.
4. Change your behaviour immediately, not gradually.
Don’t ask for time to work on yourself or promise that you’ll try to do better. Start doing better right now, in this conversation. If they’ve told you that you interrupt them constantly, stop interrupting immediately. If they’ve said you’re always critical, bite your tongue when you feel criticism bubbling up. If they feel like you don’t respect their boundaries, start respecting every boundary they set, even the ones that seem silly to you.
This immediate change is crucial because it shows them you were always capable of behaving differently—you just chose not to. It proves that their complaints weren’t unreasonable and that change is possible. Don’t worry about being perfect; just focus on doing the opposite of whatever hurt them most. This creates a foundation of trust that maybe, just maybe, things really can be different this time.
5. Stop trying to parent them.
If your child is an adult, your parenting job is essentially over. Stop giving unsolicited advice, stop trying to fix their problems, and stop commenting on their life choices unless they specifically ask for your input. This is probably one of the hardest things to do because parenting has been your identity for decades, but it’s absolutely necessary.
Treat them like you would treat any other adult you care about. You wouldn’t tell your friend how to manage their money, criticise their partner, or give them lectures about their life choices. Extend the same courtesy to your adult child. If they want your advice, they’ll ask for it. Until then, focus on being someone they actually want to spend time with, not someone who’s constantly trying to improve them.
6. Accept that you can’t fix this quickly.
You might be tempted to have one big conversation where you hash everything out and move forward like nothing happened. That’s not how this works. Your relationship probably took years or decades to break down, and it’s going to take time to rebuild. Don’t rush the process or pressure your child to forgive you on your timeline.
Some days will feel like progress, others will feel like you’re back at square one. Your child might test you repeatedly to see if your changes are genuine or if you’ll revert to old patterns when things get uncomfortable. This testing period is normal and necessary. They need to see that you can handle their anger, their boundaries, and their scepticism without falling back into old behaviours.
7. Don’t involve other family members as mediators.
Resist the urge to get siblings, grandparents, or other family members involved in fixing your relationship. Don’t ask them to put in a good word for you, explain your side, or pressure your child to forgive you. This usually backfires spectacularly and can damage your child’s relationship with other family members too.
This is between you and your child, and bringing in third parties often feels manipulative to them. It can also create family drama and put other people in impossible positions. If your child wants to involve someone else, like a therapist, that’s their choice. But the work of rebuilding your relationship needs to happen directly between the two of you.
8. Get your own therapy.
You probably need professional help to understand how your relationship got to this point and to develop better communication and relationship skills. Don’t suggest family therapy yet—that might feel like you’re trying to make them do work to fix a problem you created. Focus on individual therapy where you can work on your own issues without involving your child.
A good therapist can help you understand your patterns, learn new ways of communicating, and work through whatever issues contributed to the relationship breakdown. They can also help you manage your own emotions during this difficult process so you don’t accidentally make things worse. Your child needs to see that you’re willing to do the hard work of changing yourself, not just demanding that they get over it.
9. Respect their timeline and boundaries completely.
Your child might want to see you once a month, or they might need six months of no contact before they’re ready to try again. They might be willing to text but not talk on the phone, or they might want to meet in public places but not at your home. Whatever boundaries they set, respect them completely, even if they seem excessive or hurtful to you.
Don’t negotiate these boundaries or try to convince them to move faster than they’re comfortable with. Don’t show up uninvited because you miss them or send more messages than they’ve said they can handle. Every time you violate a boundary, you’re proving that you still don’t respect their autonomy as an adult, and you’re setting back whatever progress you’ve made.
10. Stop talking about the past unless they bring it up.
Don’t rehash old arguments, bring up good memories from when they were younger, or try to remind them of all the things you did right as a parent. This feels like you’re trying to erase or minimise the problems instead of dealing with them. Focus on who you are now and who you want to be going forward, not on defending who you used to be.
If they want to process past events, let them lead those conversations. Answer their questions honestly without getting defensive, but don’t volunteer information about the past unless they ask. They’re probably not ready to hear about your perspective on old conflicts, and bringing them up can feel like you’re trying to relitigate things instead of moving forward.
11. Don’t expect gratitude for doing better.
You don’t get a medal for treating your child with respect, listening to them, or changing harmful behaviours. These are basic requirements for having a relationship with them, not special favours you’re doing. Don’t point out how much you’ve changed or how hard you’re working to be different. Just do the work quietly and consistently.
If you find yourself feeling resentful about not getting recognition for your efforts, that’s something to explore in therapy, not something to discuss with your child. They don’t owe you praise for meeting the bare minimum of what a healthy relationship requires. Focus on doing the right thing because it’s right, not because you want credit for it.
12. Learn who they are now, not who they used to be.
Your adult child is probably very different from the person you think you know. They’ve had experiences, formed opinions, and developed interests that you might know nothing about. Instead of assuming you know what they like, what they think, or how they feel about things, ask questions and actually listen to the answers.
Don’t compare them to who they were as a child or teenager. Don’t bring up old interests they’ve outgrown or personality traits that no longer apply. Get curious about who they’ve become as an adult, what matters to them now, and what their life is actually like. This shows respect for their growth and development, and it gives you a chance to build a relationship based on who they really are today.
13. Be prepared for the possibility of limited contact.
Even if you do everything right, your relationship might never go back to how it was before, or how you wish it could be. Your child might be willing to have a polite but distant relationship, or they might want contact only on holidays, or they might need ongoing breaks from communication. This isn’t necessarily a failure—it might be the healthiest option for both of you.
Try to find gratitude for whatever relationship they’re willing to have with you, even if it’s not what you hoped for. A limited but genuine relationship is better than a close but toxic one. Focus on making the time you do have together as positive as possible, rather than pushing for more than they’re comfortable giving.
14. Accept that some things can’t be undone.
There might be specific hurts or betrayals that your child simply can’t get past, and that’s their right. You might have missed important events, said things that can’t be taken back, or broken trust in ways that can’t be fully repaired. Part of repairing the relationship is accepting that some damage is permanent and learning to work around it.
Don’t minimise these permanent hurts or keep trying to convince your child to let them go. Instead, acknowledge that you understand some things can’t be fixed, and focus on not causing new damage. Sometimes the best you can do is stop making things worse and build something new alongside the old wounds. That might not sound like much, but it’s often enough to create a meaningful relationship moving forward.
