It’s easy to spot the obvious relationship red flags like yelling, lying, shutting down completely.
However, the stuff that actually eats away at someone’s confidence or trust is usually a whole lot subtler. It’s the everyday comments, half-jokes, and offhand digs that start to sting more in the long run. You might not mean anything by them, but if they keep coming up, they start to land differently. If your partner seems distant or defensive lately, it might not be about one big moment—it could be one of these.
1. “Calm down!”
Even if you’re trying to defuse a situation, telling someone to calm down rarely works the way you want it to. It just makes them feel dismissed, like their reaction is the problem, not what triggered it. Eventually, they stop sharing how they feel because they expect to be brushed off. Once that happens, you lose the honest version of them, not just the emotional one.
2. “It’s not that deep.”
Source: Unsplash This one feels casual, like you’re trying to keep things light. However, if your partner’s bothered by something, and you shut it down with this, it basically says, “Your feelings don’t matter enough for me to engage.” Even if it seems small to you, it clearly hit something in them. Shrugging it off doesn’t fix it; it just makes them feel alone in whatever they’re trying to work through.
3. “You’re just being emotional.”
Source: Unsplash This one’s a classic way to make someone feel unstable or irrational, even when they’re making a valid point. It puts their whole mood under a microscope, instead of focusing on what they’re actually saying. As time goes on, this kind of comment teaches your partner to keep things bottled up. No one wants to open up if they’re just going to be made to feel like they’re too much.
4. “That’s just how I am.”
This line is often used to shut down growth. You’re basically saying, “I know it bothers you, but I’m not changing.” Even if you don’t mean it that harshly, that’s how it usually lands. Relationships are full of compromise. If one person keeps pulling the “take it or leave it” card, eventually the other person just… leaves it.
5. “You sound just like your mum/dad.”
This hits below the belt. Even if you’re joking, bringing up their parent in the middle of a disagreement feels like a low blow, especially if they’ve got a complicated relationship with them. It takes the focus off the issue and makes it personal. That kind of dig sticks way longer than you probably realise, even if it came out in a moment of frustration.
6. “You’re overreacting.”
It might be your way of trying to de-escalate, but it usually does the opposite. If your partner’s already upset, being told they’re overreacting just doubles the frustration. It tells them you’re not trying to understand; you’re trying to shut it down. It’s quicker in the moment, but it drags out problems long-term.
7. “Why are you being so needy lately?”
This one stings because it turns a basic need—connection, reassurance, attention—into something shameful. Everyone has phases where they need a little more support. That’s normal, not clingy. Labelling it like this makes your partner feel like they have to shrink themselves just to keep the peace. Unsurprisingly, that never ends well.
8. “You’re lucky I put up with you.”
It might come out as a joke, but it’s a pretty brutal thing to say, especially if it’s repeated. It plants this quiet idea that they’re hard work or not good enough for you. Even if you’re teasing, it hits a sore spot. Once that insecurity creeps in, it’s hard to shake off, no matter how many times you say you didn’t mean it.
9. “Here we go again…”
This line shuts the whole conversation down before it starts. It tells your partner they’re predictable, annoying, and not worth your patience, all in five words. Eventually, it creates a weird power imbalance where one person’s emotions are valid and the other’s are just noise. That imbalance always catches up with you eventually.
10. “You’re being dramatic.”
Calling someone dramatic is often a quick way to make yourself look like the calm, rational one. However, it can feel condescending and hurtful, especially if they’re already trying to explain something vulnerable. If their feelings seem bigger than the situation, there’s usually a reason. Dismissing it as drama just guarantees they won’t bring it up again, even if they probably should.
11. “You should’ve known I was joking.”
This line often gets used to dodge accountability. Instead of owning the impact of what you said, it flips it onto your partner for not reacting the way you wanted them to. If something lands badly, the fair move is to listen, not to pretend the other person is humourless. Jokes don’t work if the punchline is someone else’s feelings.
12. “You always take things the wrong way.”
It might feel like your partner is misinterpreting what you say, but if it keeps happening, maybe the way you’re saying things isn’t as clear or kind as you think. This line dodges reflection. Instead of wondering how your tone or timing might be coming across, it just blames them for not reacting perfectly.
13. “I’m just being honest.”
Honesty is good, but honesty without tact is just cruelty in a nicer outfit. Saying something hurtful and slapping “I’m just being real” on it doesn’t make it better. If your partner always walks away from these “honest moments” feeling smaller, it’s not really about truth; it’s about power. A dynamic like that destroys closeness fast.
14. “You used to be more fun.”
This one stings deep. Maybe they’re more tired lately, more stressed, more low-energy. That happens. Life piles up, but calling it out like this just adds pressure on top of everything else. Instead of asking what’s going on or how they’re really feeling, this line makes it sound like you’re losing interest, and blaming them for it.
15. “You’re not making any sense.”
Even if they’re rambling, emotional, or saying things out of order, telling them they’re not making sense can shut them down fast. It makes them feel confused, unstable, or stupid. If you don’t understand, ask questions. Framing them as the confusing one, especially mid-conflict, turns it into a power game instead of a conversation.
16. “I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
This might feel like an honest mistake, and sometimes it is. However, if your partner told you something mattered to them, and you brushed it off, they’ll remember that. Every time. It’s not about the scale of the thing—it’s about whether you showed up for them when it counted. Even small letdowns can hit big if they keep piling up.
