Not all difficult parents are just “strict” or “old-school.”
Some behaviours go way beyond that and cross into deeply damaging territory—especially when the dynamic feels like they’re keeping score, punishing you for independence, or twisting moments just to regain control. Vindictive parents don’t always yell or explode. Sometimes their tactics are subtle, manipulative, and designed to make you feel like the bad guy for simply growing up. Here are 14 red flags to look out for—and how to keep your self-worth intact when you’re up against one.
1. They use guilt as a weapon.
If every decision you make is followed by “After everything I’ve done for you…” or “I guess you don’t care about me anymore,” that’s emotional blackmail, not love. It’s not about hurt feelings—it’s about control through guilt. Guilt can feel like love if you’ve been raised around it, but it’s not. You don’t owe anyone access to your life just because they raised you. Keep reminding yourself: boundaries aren’t betrayal.
2. They bring up your past to shame you.
Even years later, they still bring up your mistakes, especially when you’re doing well or asserting yourself. It’s not about helping you grow; it’s about keeping you small and reminding you who they think you are. This tactic relies on keeping you stuck in old versions of yourself. Stay grounded in who you are now. You’re allowed to move on, even if they won’t.
3. They punish you for having a different opinion.
Disagreeing with them doesn’t just cause a debate—it sparks days of silence, passive-aggressive comments, or complete emotional withdrawal. It’s their way of showing you that dissent equals disloyalty. However, healthy love allows room for differences. You’re not “bad” for having your own mind. You’re simply becoming your own person, which is the part they’re struggling to accept.
4. They compete with you all the time.
Whether it’s downplaying your achievements, one-upping your stories, or needing to be the centre of attention, vindictive parents often can’t let their child shine without trying to dim the light a little. It’s not your job to shrink for their comfort. Be proud of your growth, even if they can’t celebrate it. Their insecurity is not your responsibility to manage.
5. They play the victim all the time.
No matter what’s happened, they spin the story so they’re the one who was wronged. Even when they hurt you, you’ll find yourself apologising somehow. It’s emotionally disorienting and deeply manipulative. To stay grounded, remind yourself what actually happened. Keep a mental or written record if needed. Their version of the truth doesn’t erase your reality.
6. They turn other people against you.
Vindictive parents will often share skewed versions of events with relatives or family friends to isolate you or make you feel like the problem. Suddenly, you’re getting the cold shoulder from an aunt who wasn’t even there. You don’t need to defend yourself to everyone. Focus on your integrity and protect your peace. The people who truly care will see the truth eventually.
7. They punish you for setting boundaries.
Whether it’s reducing contact, choosing not to share everything, or protecting your space, any boundary you set becomes a reason for them to lash out, guilt-trip, or withdraw affection entirely. Boundaries don’t harm people—they just frustrate those who benefitted from the lack of them. Hold your line. It’s not cruel to take care of your mental health.
8. They make every conversation about them.
You could be talking about your heartbreak, your success, or your mental health—and somehow it turns into a monologue about their struggles, their sacrifices, or their disappointment in you. This isn’t support, it’s hijacking. Keep conversations short if you need to. Share vulnerable parts of yourself with people who won’t use them as leverage.
9. They deliberately misinterpret your words.
You say something with care, and it’s twisted into a personal attack. You clarify, and they double down on being offended. It’s exhausting and usually intentional. Don’t fall into the trap of endless explanations. If someone wants to misunderstand you, they will. Protect your clarity and walk away when you need to.
10. They refuse to celebrate your independence.
Instead of being proud when you get your own flat, change careers, or set a new goal, they act hurt or offended. Independence to them feels like abandonment, so they frame it that way. However, growth doesn’t mean rejection. You’re allowed to live your own life, even if it makes them uncomfortable. You can love someone and still outgrow the role they expect you to stay in.
11. They demand access, not connection.
They want to know where you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re with, but not because they care deeply. It’s about control, not closeness. If you don’t comply, they act as though you’ve betrayed them. True connection is built on trust and choice—not surveillance and guilt. You’re not required to be an open book just to keep the peace.
12. They constantly compare you to other people, and not in very nice ways.
Whether it’s a cousin, sibling, or stranger, they always know someone doing life “better” than you. It’s rarely helpful and often feels like they’re trying to knock you down a peg or two. People who are proud of you don’t need to weaponise comparisons. Take their comments with a pinch of salt—and remember, your pace is still valid.
13. They withhold affection when they’re upset.
Instead of working through a disagreement, they go cold. Calls stop. Texts are ignored. You’re made to feel frozen out until you come crawling back, or apologise for something you didn’t do. The silent treatment isn’t discipline—it’s punishment. If love is given conditionally, it’s not really love. Stay connected to people who don’t make affection a reward for obedience.
14. They act like you owe them your life.
There’s often an underlying message that because they raised you, you’re now permanently indebted. Any attempt to prioritise your needs or draw a boundary gets framed as ingratitude. Gratitude doesn’t cancel out your autonomy. You can be thankful and still have limits. No one gets lifelong control over you just because they fed you as a child.
