Not everyone who looks fine is actually doing fine.
A lot of people become masters at masking pain with politeness, humour, or routine. They’ll show up to work, reply to messages, and laugh at your jokes, all while silently struggling underneath it all. Often, the clues are hard to pick up on, largely because they show up in the smaller, subtler ways—the hesitations, the changes in rhythm, the things they stop doing. Here’s how you know someone might be pretending more than they’re letting on.
1. They over-explain why they’re “doing great.”
When someone’s genuinely at ease, they usually don’t feel the need to convince anyone. However, if they’re insisting they’re fine, happy, or thriving—especially with lots of detail or rehearsed answers—it could be covering something they’re not ready to admit. This can come from fear of judgement or not wanting to burden anyone. The story becomes a script, and that script becomes their shield.
2. Their energy doesn’t match their words.
They say they’re excited, but their body language is flat. They say, “I had the best time,” but their tone doesn’t light up. When someone’s outer words and inner state are out of sync, it’s often a subtle red flag. It’s got nothing to do with being dramatic—it’s about noticing when joy sounds more like obligation. Sometimes people speak from habit, not from feeling.
3. They’ve stopped sharing anything personal.
People who are struggling often retreat emotionally, even if they stay socially active. They might show up to gatherings or reply to texts, but their updates are surface-level, overly casual, or vague. It’s not always intentional. When someone’s hurting, even basic sharing can feel risky. They’re still there, but only halfway, and that halfway version can look deceptively okay.
4. Their humour turns noticeably darker.
If someone’s jokes have changed from playful to sharply sarcastic or unsettling, that might be a clue they’re using humour as a release valve. They’ll say something bleak, then laugh it off before anyone can ask questions. That doesn’t mean every dark joke is a cry for help, but if the tone has changed and the jokes start sounding more like confessions, it’s worth paying closer attention.
5. They’re always “too tired” for things they used to love.
Energy naturally fluctuates, but if someone consistently avoids hobbies, social events, or small joys they once looked forward to, that might be more than exhaustion. It could be emotional depletion hiding behind physical fatigue. They might not even realise how far they’ve drifted. “Too tired” becomes the easy answer when joy starts to feel out of reach.
6. They change the subject when conversations get real.
When talk turns personal—feelings, relationships, struggles—they dodge, deflect, or crack a joke. They’re open about everything else, but steer clear of anything that might make them feel exposed. This can be a survival strategy. When people are hurting, they often protect their vulnerability by changing focus. They’d rather stay in safe territory than risk being truly seen.
7. They become overly invested in staying busy.
From the outside, they might look productive, focused, even thriving. However, sometimes, constant busyness is just a distraction from emotional discomfort. If their schedule is packed, but their presence feels distant, something deeper might be going on. Staying in motion keeps feelings at bay, but it also delays healing. Underneath the to-do lists and achievements, there’s often a quiet restlessness.
8. They avoid silence at all costs.
Source: Unsplash They always need music, background noise, podcasts—anything to fill the quiet. Silence feels too loud when you’re carrying something heavy internally. This might look like multitasking, always needing stimulation, or never sitting still. The thing is, it’s not about productivity—it’s about not wanting to be left alone with their thoughts.
9. They brush off concern with practised lines.
If you ask how they are, and they always say “I’m fine,” “You know me,” or “Same old, same old,” it might be worth reading between the lines. Repetition can signal avoidance, especially when their tone doesn’t match their words. They’ve learned what to say to end the conversation quickly. It’s not because they don’t want to talk, but because they’re not sure how to start.
10. They can’t tolerate being alone, but still feel disconnected.
Some people constantly surround themselves with others, not because they feel close, but because being alone feels unbearable. They chase company, but still feel lonely in the crowd. That kind of restlessness often signals a disconnect from themselves. Being with people keeps the silence out, but it doesn’t necessarily make them feel seen or safe.
11. They downplay serious things with a smile.
They’ll mention a loss, illness, or personal crisis in passing, as if it’s no big deal. Their tone is light, maybe even cheerful, but the subject matter is heavy. It’s a mismatch that’s easy to miss. Downplaying pain can be a coping mechanism. Smiling through the hard stuff keeps them from falling apart in front of other people, but it also keeps them from getting support.
12. Their routines become oddly rigid or chaotic.
Some people react to feeling emotionally overwhelmed by clinging to structure, while others abandon it completely. If someone’s daily life has become overly controlled or totally scattered, it could be a sign they’re emotionally out of balance. They’re trying to find a sense of control, or they’ve lost their grip on it. Either way, the change is telling, especially if it’s out of character for them.
13. They keep the focus on everyone else.
They’re happy to listen, support, and cheerlead, but deflect the moment you ask how they’re doing. It can look generous, even admirable, but sometimes it’s just a way to avoid their own feelings. Helping other people can be a distraction. It creates the illusion of connection while letting them keep their guard up. They’re there for everyone, but rarely let anyone show up for them.
14. They seem “fine,” but just a little too quiet.
They haven’t disappeared. They still show up, but something’s dulled. Their messages are shorter, their tone is flatter, and the spark in their eyes doesn’t quite reach anymore. That kind of withdrawal is easy to miss because it’s not dramatic—it’s subtle. But when someone starts to dim like that, it’s often a quiet cry for someone to notice without being forced to explain.
