Dating doesn’t have to be a constant guessing game.
If someone consistently makes you feel uneasy, drained, or unsure of where you stand, you don’t need a huge reason to walk away. It doesn’t matter how much you (think you) like them or how perfect they are on paper—if they’re not right for you, they’re not worth it. Sometimes the red flags are subtle, but once you see them, they’re hard to unsee. Here’s what to watch for.
1. They make you feel like you’re asking for too much.
Wanting clarity, respect, or basic emotional effort isn’t too much. However, if every time you bring something up they make you feel needy, dramatic, or impossible to please, that’s a sign they’re dodging accountability. You shouldn’t have to shrink your needs to keep the peace. If you’re constantly second-guessing whether it’s even okay to ask for more, it might be time to ask whether they’re actually showing up at all.
2. They only treat you well when they want something.
Maybe they’re sweet and attentive when they’re bored, need support, or feel like being close, but when things aren’t on their terms, they pull back. That kind of selective affection is manipulative, not romantic. Real connection isn’t conditional. If their effort is tied to convenience, not consistency, you’ll always feel like you’re chasing a version of them that only shows up when it suits them.
3. They make you question your memory or version of events.
If every disagreement turns into you wondering if you’re “remembering it wrong,” pay attention. This kind of gaslighting doesn’t always show up loudly. It can be subtle, with phrases like “I never said that” or “You’re being sensitive.” It gnaws away at your confidence as time goes on. If you constantly feel off-balance or unsure of what actually happened, it’s not you being confused; it might be them rewriting the narrative to avoid accountability.
4. They downplay the things that matter to you.
Whether it’s something that upset you or something you’re excited about, they find a way to make it seem small. They roll their eyes, change the subject, or give back-handed support that makes you feel silly for caring. If someone can’t respect what lights you up—or what weighs on you—they’re not really trying to know you. Minimising your emotions or interests isn’t harmless, it’s dismissive, and over time, it leaves you feeling isolated.
5. They keep you at arm’s length emotionally.
Every time you try to get closer, they shut down, change the subject, or pull away. Maybe they say they’re just “not good at talking” or “need space,” but nothing ever progresses, no matter how patient you are. You shouldn’t have to drag vulnerability out of someone. Emotional unavailability isn’t a challenge to overcome—it’s a mismatch. If they aren’t willing to meet you halfway, you’ll always feel like you’re waiting on them to let you in.
6. They’re hot and cold with no explanation.
Some days they’re fully engaged, texting you first, planning things, talking about the future. Other days they disappear, act distracted, or make you feel like an afterthought. That emotional whiplash isn’t random; it’s a pattern. You’re not crazy for noticing the inconsistency. If someone can’t communicate what’s going on or leaves you guessing about where you stand, that instability becomes a drain. Healthy relationships don’t leave you spinning.
7. They make jokes at your expense, and don’t stop when asked.
A bit of teasing is one thing. But when it crosses the line, and they keep doing it even after you’ve said it bothers you, it stops being playful. It becomes a power move dressed up as humour. Someone who truly respects you won’t keep pushing past your limits for a laugh. If they’re more focused on being funny than being kind, it’s worth asking why your comfort isn’t part of the joke.
8. They never apologise unless you force the issue.
When something goes wrong, they deflect, blame circumstances, or act like you’re overreacting. And if they do apologise, it only comes after an argument or guilt trip, not because they genuinely took responsibility. Grown adults who care about you won’t need to be cornered into saying sorry. If apologies are rare or hollow, it’s a sign they’re more interested in winning than making things right.
9. They make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
You find yourself choosing words carefully, avoiding certain topics, or holding back when something bothers you because you don’t know how they’ll react. That tension doesn’t come out of nowhere—it comes from experience. If you feel more anxious than open around them, it’s not just a communication issue—it’s a safety one. You deserve a space where you can speak honestly without fearing it’ll set something off.
10. They avoid defining the relationship but still expect loyalty.
They act like you’re in something real, but when the topic of labels or direction comes up, they dodge it completely. Meanwhile, they still get jealous, make emotional demands, and want all the perks of commitment. If someone wants the benefits of being your partner without the accountability that comes with it, they’re not confused—they’re comfortable. And unless that changes, you’ll stay stuck in limbo while they reap the rewards.
11. They act differently around you depending on who’s watching.
In private, they’re affectionate and present. But in front of other people, they pull away, act distant, or treat you like just another person in the room. That change isn’t always about personality; it can be a red flag. If you feel like a secret or like you’re being hidden in some way, it’s worth asking why. You shouldn’t have to guess whether you’re wanted based on who else is in the room.
12. They punish you with silence or distance when they’re upset.
Instead of talking things through, they shut down, pull away, or leave you in the dark without explanation. You’re left chasing after them, trying to fix something they won’t even name. That kind of emotional withholding is manipulative. It creates a power imbalance where you’re constantly trying to earn your way back into their good graces. That’s not love—it’s control.
13. They say you’re “too emotional” when you bring up issues.
Voicing hurt or concern shouldn’t be treated like a character flaw. If every time you open up, they flip it back on you by calling you sensitive or overdramatic, they’re not trying to understand—you’re being shut down. This tactic pulls the focus away from what’s actually going on and puts the blame on you. Eventually, you’ll stop speaking up altogether, and that’s how real issues get buried instead of resolved.
14. You just don’t feel good around them anymore.
Sometimes it’s not about one big red flag—it’s the slow build-up of tiny ways they make you feel less than. You feel more insecure, less calm, and maybe even a bit of yourself starts to disappear in the relationship. If the energy isn’t healthy, even if nothing dramatic is happening, that’s still a valid reason to walk away. You don’t need permission to choose peace over confusion, or stability over chaos.
