Some people don’t want a real connection—they just want access.
When you’re useful, present, or convenient, they show up. However, once their needs are met or the attention fades, so do they. It’s subtle at first. You feel unsure whether you’re imagining things. But as time goes on, the pattern becomes hard to ignore. If you’ve ever been left confused by someone who vanished as quickly as they clung to you, here are some early red flags that they were never planning to stick around once the usefulness wore off.
1. They’re super available when they need something, and distant when you do.
When they need advice, comfort, or help, they suddenly appear. They text back fast, make time, and lean into the connection. However, the second you need something from them, they’re vague, slow to respond, or just “so busy.” That back-and-forth is hard to confront because it’s not outright rude. It shows they see the relationship as a transaction, and when they don’t need anything, they don’t see a reason to show up.
2. Your value to them seems tied to what you offer.
They act warm and close when you’re doing things for them—emotional support, favours, introductions, or just being a great listener. But when you stop giving, the dynamic changes noticeably. It can leave you feeling used but unsure why. The truth is, if your worth in their eyes drops the moment you stop delivering, it’s not a relationship; it’s a convenience they’ve mistaken for connection.
3. They rarely ask how you’re really doing.
You know a lot about their struggles, stress, and stories, but they barely scratch the surface when it comes to you. If they ask how you are, it’s usually just a lead-in to what they want to talk about. After a while, this one-sided emotional focus makes the relationship feel hollow. If someone’s not interested in your world beyond how it serves theirs, they’re likely not planning to stick around when your needs take centre stage.
4. They’re overly flattering… until you set a boundary.
In the beginning, they might talk you up constantly. You’re amazing, the best, “exactly what they needed.” Of course, the minute you say no or pull back slightly, that praise turns cold or even critical. The change reveals something important: the flattery was never about genuine appreciation. It was about keeping you close and compliant. Once you stop giving them what they want, the charm wears off fast.
5. They don’t invest in the relationship unless it benefits them.
They’ll show up for events where they can network, be seen, or benefit from your presence. However, when it comes to the quiet, effort-based side of friendship or connection—checking in, making time—they disappear. Their selective involvement tells you everything. They’re not trying to build anything lasting. They’re just dipping in when there’s something to gain, and backing out the second the spotlight moves elsewhere.
6. They love when you’re available, but don’t respect your time.
They expect you to respond quickly, help often, or be there when they ask. When it comes to your schedule or your limits, though, they’re dismissive or conveniently forgetful. Such a huge imbalance isn’t random. It shows they see your time as a resource for them, not something that deserves mutual respect. When people don’t value your time, it usually means they don’t value you either.
7. You feel drained after time with them, not fulfilled.
Instead of feeling closer or supported, you often walk away from time with them feeling emotionally tired, unappreciated, or slightly off. It’s like you were holding the conversation together the whole time. That heaviness is a red flag. If the relationship feels more like work than connection, and they never notice or return the effort, it usually means they’re in it for themselves, and only for now.
8. They mirror your personality to get close fast.
In the beginning, they might seem eerily in sync with you. Same values, same vibe, same outlook. But later, you realise they don’t actually live by the things they once claimed mattered so much. The thing is, mirroring can be a strategy, not a sign of closeness. It helps them gain trust quickly, but it’s not based on shared connection. Once the usefulness fades, so does the act.
9. They drop subtle hints that you owe them.
Even when you’re the one doing the emotional heavy lifting, they find ways to spin the story. They might remind you how “lucky” you are to have them or suggest you’ve been a handful lately. It changes the dynamic into guilt and obligation, making it harder to notice that they’ve been taking more than giving. It’s a way to make you keep showing up until they decide they’re done.
10. They don’t show up when you need them the most.
Whether you’re going through a loss, burnout, or major change, they fade into the background. They might send one polite message, but they don’t actually show up, check in, or offer real support. That absence speaks louder than anything. People who care don’t disappear when you’re struggling, and if someone always vanishes when things get heavy, you can bet they’ll be long gone the moment you’re not useful anymore.
11. Your boundaries feel like an inconvenience to them.
When you say no, ask for space, or try to shift the dynamic to something more balanced, they either act offended or back off entirely. It’s not that they can’t handle boundaries; it’s that they’re not interested in relationships that come with them. It shows they were never looking for mutual respect. They were looking for access, and when that access comes with terms, they decide it’s not worth the effort anymore.
12. They expect support, but rarely give it.
You’re their sounding board, their go-to person when things fall apart, but when you’re the one who’s low, their energy dips. They might offer vague sympathy, but they don’t follow through or ask how you’re holding up. That lopsided care isn’t just forgetful; it’s intentional. If they only engage when they benefit from it, it’s a sign that once your support is no longer available, they won’t be either.
13. They use connection to climb, not to care.
If they seem overly strategic about who they’re close to, constantly name-dropping or looking for opportunities, it’s worth paying attention. You may just be a stepping stone in a bigger plan they’re playing out. Genuine people build relationships. Opportunists collect contacts. If they treat you more like a tool in their toolbox than a person with feelings, don’t be surprised if they disappear when they’ve moved up a rung.
14. You have a gut feeling they wouldn’t stick around if the dynamic changed.
Even if nothing dramatic has happened, there’s a part of you that suspects it’s all conditional. That if you stopped being helpful, fun, connected, or convenient, they’d slowly drift or vanish completely. That inner sense is often right. Real relationships don’t depend on usefulness. They show up for who you are—not just what you offer. If you feel uneasy about someone’s presence, there’s probably a reason.
