We don’t like to talk about it much, but some parents do carry resentment toward their kids.
Of course, it’s not always about the kids themselves. It’s often tied to unspoken expectations, unresolved wounds, or emotional fatigue that never got named and therefore was never resolved. Bitterness doesn’t make someone a bad parent, but when it’s left unchecked and unprocessed, it can definitely shape the dynamic in painfully profound ways. Here’s why some parents feel such anger and hostility toward their own children, even when they love them deeply.
1. They gave up more than they expected to.
Some parents step into parenting with dreams of balance, but the reality hits hard. Careers get put on hold, passions fade into the background, and day-to-day life becomes a loop of responsibilities they didn’t fully anticipate. When those sacrifices pile up without recognition or space to reconnect with themselves, it’s easy for resentment to sneak in. It’s not always about the child; it’s about feeling like they lost something of their own along the way.
2. They didn’t feel emotionally equipped for parenting.
Not everyone enters parenthood feeling ready. Some were still carrying their own childhood trauma or emotional immaturity, and suddenly, they’re expected to guide someone else through life. That pressure can become overwhelming, and instead of asking for help, it sometimes turns inward, or toward their kids. Feeling like they were thrown into something they weren’t prepared for can breed bitterness that lingers.
3. They feel unappreciated for all they’ve done.
When a child becomes more independent or pulls away emotionally, some parents interpret it as a lack of gratitude, even when it’s just normal growing up. That space can feel like rejection. It hurts when you’ve poured years of love, time, and energy into raising someone, only to feel invisible or taken for granted. That unspoken ache can quietly twist into resentment as time goes on.
4. They never really got to be “selfish.”
Some people become parents before they get the chance to fully explore who they are. Maybe they never travelled, never had a wild phase, or never truly lived for themselves without being tied to someone else’s needs. Watching their kids get freedoms they never had can stir something complicated. It’s not jealousy in the obvious sense; it’s grief for a version of themselves that never got to show up.
5. Their child reminds them of their own flaws.
When a child mirrors parts of a parent they’ve never made peace with—the same stubborn streak, emotional reactivity, or insecurities—it can be surprisingly triggering. It’s like watching a version of themselves they wish they could change. Instead of dealing with that discomfort internally, some parents project it outward. The bitterness isn’t really toward the child; it’s toward the parts of themselves they haven’t fully accepted.
6. They expected more emotional closeness than they got.
Some parents dream of deep, best-friend-style relationships with their kids. When that doesn’t happen, especially if the child values independence or needs space, it can feel like rejection. It’s easy for hurt to turn into distance, especially if expectations were never voiced clearly. Bitterness can grow in that emotional gap if no one knows how to bridge it without guilt or pressure.
7. Their efforts didn’t lead to the life they pictured.
Parents often make choices hoping to shape their child’s future—the right schools, the right advice, the sacrifices to help them succeed. But life has its own plan, and not every child ends up following the path their parents hoped for. It can feel crushing when a parent sees their child struggle, especially after pouring so much in. That gap between effort and outcome can create bitterness, even if it’s rooted in disappointment, not blame.
8. They didn’t feel supported by a partner or family.
When parenting feels like a solo act emotionally, financially, or logistically, it’s draining. Some parents never got the village they needed, and after a while, that isolation turns heavy. If they were constantly running on empty with no one to lean on, resentment can start to settle in. The child isn’t the cause, but they sometimes become the target of that emotional fatigue.
9. They lost connection with their identity outside of “mum” or “dad.”
Parenthood can take over everything—your time, your energy, your sense of self. Some people don’t realise how much of themselves they’ve given up until years later, when it feels too late to reclaim it. That loss of identity can quietly turn into bitterness, especially if they feel like no one sees them beyond their parental role. It’s less about the child, and more about feeling like they disappeared in the process.
10. They feel they weren’t parented well themselves.
Some people try to be the parent they never had, but without healing their own wounds, that effort becomes exhausting. The pressure to break generational cycles while still aching inside can feel like too much. If no one ever poured into them, it’s hard to give endlessly without burning out. That imbalance can create quiet resentment that looks like irritability, distance, or emotional withdrawal.
11. Their child challenges their beliefs or identity.
As kids grow, they often question or push back against the values they were raised with—religion, politics, lifestyle choices. Some parents take that personally, seeing it as disrespect or rejection. What might just be natural growing pains can feel deeply hurtful if the parent ties their identity to their child’s agreement. When they don’t know how to handle that difference, bitterness fills the gap left by misunderstanding.
12. They never felt like they had a choice.
Not everyone chooses parenthood joyfully. Some were pressured by partners, family, or society. Others felt they didn’t have the option to walk away, and that lack of agency still stings. When someone feels boxed into a life they didn’t actively choose, even the most loving moments can be tinged with resentment. It’s not about blame; it’s about never having felt like their own life was fully theirs.
13. They’re still grieving their unmet dreams.
Sometimes resentment isn’t about the child at all—it’s about all the dreams that had to be shelved along the way. The degree never finished, the business that never launched, the move that never happened. Those quiet losses can add up. And if a parent doesn’t know how to name that grief or give it space, it can start showing up in their parenting without them even realising it.
14. They feel emotionally disconnected and don’t know how to fix it.
Sometimes the love is there, but the emotional connection feels distant or strained. That disconnection can lead to frustration, especially if efforts to reconnect aren’t working or aren’t being received well. When a parent doesn’t feel close to their child, it can feel like failure, and that pain sometimes hardens into resentment. But beneath it, there’s often a longing for closeness they just don’t know how to reach.
