You’ve raised your kids to be respectful and kind, so when they behave the opposite way toward you, it can be hard to deal with.
Whether they discount the things you have to say, fail to show gratitude and develop an attitude of entitlement, or even speak to you in an outright rude way, dealing with a disrespectful adult child is a frustrating and delicate situation. If you want to stop the behaviour but preserve or improve your relationship, here’s how to do it.
1. Figure out what’s behind the behaviour.
It’s easy to take a rude comment at face value, but there’s often more going on than you realise. Your child might be stressed, confused about adulthood, or carrying unresolved childhood resentments. By spotting these deeper issues, you can respond with a bit more empathy instead of jumping straight to anger.
That doesn’t mean you have to tolerate rudeness. It just means you take a moment to consider whether the disrespect comes from frustration at a job, relationship troubles, or unmet personal goals. Once you figure out what’s fuelling the behaviour, it’s easier to address it calmly and help them process whatever’s really bothering them.
2. Set clear personal boundaries.
It can be tempting to let your child say whatever they want because you’re worried about pushing them away, but having boundaries is crucial for a healthy relationship. If they talk down to you or push for something you’re uncomfortable giving, it’s okay to say that’s not acceptable.
Keep it simple: explain what you will and won’t put up with. For example, if they start yelling or using hurtful language, calmly say you’ll end the conversation until they can speak respectfully. This shows you value yourself enough to stand firm, and it also sets an example of how adults should treat each other.
3. Avoid getting into power struggles.
When your child disrespects you, it’s normal to feel offended or want to snap back. But getting caught in a back-and-forth power struggle rarely fixes anything. Both sides end up shouting old grievances, and nothing truly changes.
Instead of matching their anger, stay calm and pick your battles wisely. If they’re just trying to provoke a reaction, refusing to engage can defuse the situation. Focus on practical solutions rather than arguing about who’s right. In time, they may realise they won’t get the result they want by pushing your buttons.
4. Listen without interjecting sometimes.
It’s hard not to interrupt when you feel attacked or judged. Still, part of handling disrespect is showing you’re willing to hear your child out, even if they’re being negative. Sometimes they just need to blow off steam, and cutting them off might intensify their frustration.
Let them talk and try to understand where they’re coming from. Ask questions if you need to, but skip the lecturing. You might uncover deeper issues they’ve been holding onto that would’ve stayed hidden had you shut them down. Really listening, even if you disagree, can pave the way for healthier communication.
5. Stay consistent in your responses.
If you let their rude comments slide one day and blow up the next, they’ll get mixed messages about what’s acceptable. Consistency helps them understand your limits. It also provides a stable environment, whether they’re living with you or just visiting.
If you say you’ll walk away when they hurl insults, follow through every time. Don’t make empty threats. Showing you mean what you say teaches them that respect is non-negotiable.
6. Give them space to grow.
Sometimes adult children feel smothered by too much parental input, which can fuel disrespect. Offering them breathing room to figure out their own path can ease tension. Even if you worry they’ll make mistakes, letting them experience real-life consequences is often more effective than constantly stepping in.
Showing trust in their ability to handle situations, even if they stumble, can gradually lessen resentment. They might then come to you on their own when they really need help, rather than lashing out at unsolicited advice or questions.
7. Model the behaviour you expect from them.
If you want respect, you have to show it, too. By speaking calmly and kindly, you set the tone for how conversations should go, even if your child is snapping at you. In the long run, your composure demonstrates that rudeness isn’t the norm in adult interactions.
It won’t instantly change their attitude, especially if tensions have been building for a while. But consistently acting with patience and courtesy lays the groundwork for a more respectful dynamic. Sometimes seeing it in action is what finally clicks for them.
8. Resist the urge to guilt-trip.
If your adult child is disrespectful, you might be tempted to say things like, “After everything I’ve done for you!” or “You have no idea how good you had it!” But guilt-tripping rarely leads to lasting change. It can actually deepen their resentment and push them further away.
Instead, focus on the present. Share how you feel about their tone or words. A statement like, “When you speak to me like that, it really hurts,” invites them to consider your feelings without shaming them for past sacrifices. This approach is more likely to encourage a real conversation than an argument.
9. Balance support with a bit of tough love.
If you’re constantly rescuing your adult child financially or emotionally while they continue disrespecting you, it might be time for some tough love. You can still care deeply about them while making it clear you won’t enable bad behaviour.
For instance, if they expect money from you but never show gratitude or respect, consider taking a step back. Let them handle their own bills for a while. It’s not about punishing them; it’s about protecting your own emotional well-being and teaching them accountability.
10. Get some help from a neutral party.
When conversations always turn into shouting matches, a neutral third party can provide perspective. This might be a counsellor, therapist, or even a family friend who can mediate. A calm, outside voice can keep everyone from talking over each other and refocus the discussion.
Professional therapists especially can help unpack lingering childhood issues that might be fuelling current disrespect. Even just a few sessions can teach both of you better ways to communicate and defuse conflicts before they escalate.
11. Don’t let anger drive decisions.
In the heat of the moment, you might be tempted to say, “I never want to see you again!” But words said in anger can damage relationships for a long time. Take a breather before making big declarations or moves.
A walk around the block or a moment to count to ten can help clear your head. Once you’ve calmed down, you can talk about the issue more rationally. You’ll avoid planting seeds of permanent estrangement when you really just need some space to think.
12. Embrace constructive conflict—yes, it exists!
Arguments don’t have to be a disaster if they’re handled with respect. Even if your child is disrespectful, try steering the conversation toward problem-solving instead of personal attacks. The goal is understanding, not “winning.”
Set ground rules: no name-calling, no bringing up old drama, and a commitment to actually hear each other out. When both parties follow these guidelines, disagreements can lead to real growth instead of leaving everyone feeling worse.
13. Practise forgiveness, but don’t lose self-respect.
If your child apologises or shows an effort to change, consider forgiving them instead of clinging to resentment. This doesn’t mean you excuse all past hurt or drop every boundary. It’s about letting go of bitterness and making room for a healthier connection.
Keep your self-respect intact by standing firm on what you need going forward. Forgiveness is a personal choice to release anger, not to let them off the hook for ongoing disrespect. Balancing both can help you move on without feeling like you’re being taken advantage of.
14. Focus on the future relationship.
Constantly thinking, “They should act this way” can trap you in a cycle of disappointment. Instead, picture the kind of parent-child bond you’d like to have down the road—something more respectful, communicative, and caring.
Working toward that goal means being strategic about when to speak up, when to let go, and when to get help. It won’t happen overnight, but keeping your eyes on the bigger picture helps you navigate individual disagreements with more patience and perspective. By focusing on tomorrow’s possibilities, you’re less likely to get bogged down in today’s dramas.
