It’s never easy when your partner has friends who bring drama, negativity, or bad influences into their life.
You might see red flags they don’t, or maybe they acknowledge the issues but feel loyal to their long-time friends. Either way, criticising their friendships too harshly can lead to defensiveness or arguments. Instead of causing unnecessary drama, here’s how to handle a partner’s toxic friends while keeping your relationship strong.
1. Take time to understand their friendship.
Before jumping to conclusions, take a moment to understand what your partner values about their friendship. People stay friends for all sorts of reasons — shared history, loyalty, or just habit. Instead of assuming the worst about their friend, ask some questions: How did they meet? What have they been through together? What does your partner get out of the friendship? Understanding where they’re coming from helps you see why this friendship still matters to them, and it gives you the chance to approach the situation more thoughtfully.
2. Avoid insulting their friends directly.
Even if you’re absolutely sure their friend is toxic, directly insulting them won’t do you any favours. Calling them out as “toxic” or criticising them too harshly will probably make your partner defensive. No one likes being told who they can or can’t be friends with, and that could lead to a whole lot of unnecessary tension.
Instead of outright bashing their friend, focus on specific behaviours that make you uncomfortable. For example, instead of saying, “Your friend is awful,” try saying, “I’ve noticed they’ve been pretty negative lately — do you ever feel like they bring you down?” This way, you’re talking about actions, not attacking their character.
3. Point out patterns instead of one-off incidents.
It’s more effective to point out repeated behaviours rather than single incidents. If their friend has a history of drama, unreliability, or treating your partner poorly, highlight those patterns. Rather than saying, “Your friend is always causing trouble,” say something like, “I’ve noticed they often cancel last minute,” or “They’ve been pretty dismissive of you lately.”
By focusing on patterns, you’re helping your partner see the bigger picture without making them feel like they need to defend their friend every time.
4. Set your own boundaries with their friend.
You don’t need to become best pals with everyone your partner is friends with, especially if their behaviour makes you uncomfortable. It’s okay to set personal boundaries when you’re around their toxic friend. For instance, if their friend always causes drama at group hangouts, you can choose to attend less often. If they make rude comments, you can decide not to engage in conversation with them. Your boundaries matter too, so don’t feel pressured into being around someone who doesn’t make you feel good.
5. Encourage your partner to reflect on how they feel after spending time with them.
Sometimes, people don’t realise how draining a friendship has become until they take a step back and reflect on it. Instead of telling your partner how they should feel, encourage them to think about how they really feel after spending time with their friend. Questions like, “Do you feel good after hanging out with them?” or “Do you feel supported by them when you’re going through tough times?” can help your partner evaluate the friendship without feeling like you’re pushing your opinion on them.
6. Be patient — people don’t drop friendships overnight.
Even if your partner starts to see the flaws in their friendship, they may not be ready to let go of it immediately. Friendships are complicated, and sometimes they’re tied to emotions or past experiences that make it hard to walk away. Instead of pressuring them, allow them the space to process things in their own time. Forcing the issue could make them cling even harder to that friendship out of guilt or loyalty, so be patient with them.
7. Show them what healthy friendships look like.
Sometimes, the best way to help your partner see the difference between a healthy and toxic friendship is by modelling it yourself. By maintaining your own positive, supportive friendships, you’re naturally demonstrating what a good relationship looks like. When your partner sees friendships based on mutual respect and care, it might help them realise what’s missing in their own relationships.
8. Create space for other social connections.
If your partner spends most of their time with this toxic friend, they might not have had the chance to build other, healthier connections. Encouraging them to branch out and meet new people can help them see that there are better friendships out there. Invite them to spend time with your friends, suggest activities where they can meet new people, or help them reconnect with positive influences from their past. The more options they have, the less reliant they’ll feel on their toxic friendship.
9. Support their decisions without controlling them.
At the end of the day, the decision to distance themselves from a friend has to come from your partner. Even if you see all the red flags, they need to be the ones to make the decision. If they feel like you’re trying to control their friendships, it might make them push back against your concerns, even if deep down, they know you’re right. Show that you support them, regardless of what they decide. Trusting them to make the right decision on their own gives them more confidence and will make them more likely to listen to your concerns in the future.
10. Don’t let their toxic friend affect your relationship.
It’s easy to let frustration about your partner’s toxic friend spill over into your relationship, but doing that just creates more tension. If you make their friend the focus of your arguments, your partner might start resenting you for bringing it up so often. Instead, address the issue when it’s necessary, but try not to let it dominate your relationship. Keep things in perspective, and remember that your relationship with your partner is about the two of you, not about someone else.
11. Find common ground where possible.
Even if you don’t like their friend, there might be some common ground to work with. Maybe you both find their friend unreliable, or maybe your partner is also frustrated by certain behaviours. Focusing on those shared concerns can help you approach the situation from a place of understanding, rather than just opposition. It shows your partner that you’re on the same team, and you both want what’s best for them.
12. Offer alternative perspectives instead of ultimatums.
Instead of making demands like, “I don’t want you hanging out with them anymore,” try offering a more gentle perspective. Ask, “Have you ever noticed that they only reach out when they need something?” or “I worry that they don’t respect you as much as you respect them.” This way, your partner can think critically about the situation without feeling pressured into a decision. You’re not telling them what to do—you’re just encouraging them to reflect.
13. Look for opportunities to address the issue calmly.
Timing is everything. Bringing up the issue during an argument is likely to end in defensiveness. Wait for a calm moment when both of you are in a good space to talk. Approaching it from a place of care and concern increases the chances of having a productive conversation, rather than a fight.
14. Trust that they’ll recognise toxic behaviour over time.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do is sit back and let your partner come to their own conclusions. If their friend really is toxic, their behaviour will become more apparent over time, and your partner will likely start to see it too. People don’t like to be told what to do, but when they realise things for themselves, they’re more likely to make a change. Trust that your partner will come to the right conclusion when they’re ready.
15. Know when to step back.
If your partner continues to defend their friend’s behaviour, refuses to acknowledge problems, or even starts dismissing your feelings, it might be time to reassess. Your concerns are valid, and if they consistently brush them aside, it’s a sign that there might be deeper issues at play. A healthy relationship involves respecting each other’s feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable. If your partner’s friendship is starting to compromise that, it’s something that needs to be addressed.
