A bad apology can make things worse, but a genuine one can repair broken trust and make a relationship a lot stronger in the long run.
Too often, people apologise just to move on, without actually addressing the hurt they caused. A real apology is more than just saying you’re sorry; it’s also showing you understand what went wrong and making an effort to fix it. If you want to make things right and ensure your apology actually means something, here are some ways to make amends that actually address the issue and help make it better.
1. Say you’re sorry without adding excuses.
Nothing weakens an apology faster than adding “but” right after it. Saying, “I’m sorry, but I was really stressed,” or “I didn’t mean to, but you have to understand…” passes the blame and makes the apology feel insincere. A real apology stands on its own. “I’m sorry for what I did, and I see that it hurt you” is much stronger than trying to justify yourself. Take responsibility first; explanations can come later.
2. Acknowledge exactly what you did wrong.
A vague “I’m sorry for whatever upset you” doesn’t feel genuine. A real apology includes specific details that show you understand the problem. Instead of just saying sorry, try, “I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier. That wasn’t fair to you, and I shouldn’t have spoken that way.” Being specific shows that you’re taking the time to reflect on your behaviour.
3. Show that you understand the impact of what you’ve done.
An apology isn’t just about admitting fault; it’s about recognising how your actions affected the other person. Saying, “I realise that what I said made you feel embarrassed, and that’s not okay,” shows empathy. People want to feel heard and understood. If you can acknowledge their feelings, your apology will mean a lot more. You care about this person, so you never want to hurt them. Realising that you have should hurt you too.
4. Resist the urge to blame the other person.
A common mistake is apologising while subtly blaming the other person. Saying, “I’m sorry you got upset,” or “I’m sorry, but you were being really sensitive,” isn’t an apology; it’s deflection. A real apology focuses on your actions, not their reaction. Instead, try, “I’m sorry for what I said. I can see why it hurt, and I take responsibility for that.”
5. Apologise in a way that suits the situation.
Not every apology should be a quick text. Some things require a face-to-face conversation or at least a phone call. If the situation is serious, taking the time to apologise properly shows you truly care. If you hurt someone deeply, a rushed or casual apology might not cut it. Think about what would make them feel respected and take the time to do it right.
6. Let them respond without interrupting them, even if you disagree with what they’re saying.
A good apology requires more than saying the right words; you’ll also need to do a fair amount of listening. After apologising, give the other person a chance to respond, even if it’s uncomfortable. They might still be upset, need time, or want to express how they feel. Don’t rush to defend yourself. Let them process your apology in their own way.
7. Offer to make it right (and tell them how you plan to do it).
Words alone aren’t always enough. Sometimes, actions speak louder. If possible, ask, “Is there anything I can do to make this right?” or “How can I fix this?” That doesn’t mean grand gestures; it means showing that you’re willing to put in effort to repair the situation. Of course, this only works if you actually have an idea of how you can improve things. Saying you’ll fix things without having any idea of how to do so isn’t helpful.
8. Don’t expect instant forgiveness.
Apologising doesn’t mean the other person has to forgive you right away. People process hurt differently, and sometimes, they need time before they can fully accept an apology. That’s their right, and you need to respect them enough to accept it. Instead of saying, “I apologised, so can we move on now?” try, “I understand if you need some time, and I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk.”
9. Keep your tone calm and sincere.
The way you deliver an apology matters. If you sound annoyed, sarcastic, or like you’re just saying the words to end an argument, it won’t feel genuine. Instead of helping them move past what happened, you’re likely to make it worse. Stay calm, speak clearly, and make sure your tone matches your words. A rushed or dismissive apology can sometimes make things worse than not apologising at all.
10. Follow through on what you say.
A good apology isn’t just about words; it’s about actions. If you say, “I’ll work on not interrupting you,” but continue doing it, the apology loses meaning. You actually have to follow through by making good on the things coming out of your mouth. Show through your behaviour that you’re making an effort to change. Over time, consistency in your actions will prove that your apology wasn’t just for show.
11. Apologise even if it wasn’t intentional.
You don’t have to mean harm to cause harm. Saying, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I’m sorry I did,” acknowledges the impact rather than focusing on your intent. People want to know that their feelings are valid, even if you didn’t mean to upset them. Owning up to it, even when it wasn’t intentional, shows emotional maturity.
12. Avoid making it about yourself.
An apology should focus on the person you hurt, not on how guilty or bad you feel. Saying, “I feel awful about this” or “I can’t believe I did that” flips the attention to you. Instead, focus on them: “I’m sorry for how my actions affected you. I care about you, and I want to make sure I don’t do this again.” You’re not saying you’re sorry to absolve yourself; you’re doing it to make it up to the other person. Don’t forget that.
13. Apologise in a way that matches the situation.
Not every apology needs the same level of seriousness. A small mistake might just need a simple “Sorry about that,” while a bigger issue requires a deeper conversation. Being able to judge the situation and apologise in a way that fits shows emotional intelligence. It also helps the other person feel like their feelings are being taken seriously. There’s no need to be overly dramatic, but you also shouldn’t be too flippant if what you’ve done is clearly a big deal to the other person.
14. Be patient if they don’t accept it right away.
Some people need time to process an apology, and pushing for immediate forgiveness can backfire. If they’re not ready to move on, respect that and give them space. Instead of saying, “So are we good now?” try, “I understand if you need time. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and that I value our relationship.” Again, they may accept your apology but need time to process what happened and how they feel about it. They should have the ability to do that without being pressured by you.
15. Learn from the situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The best apology is changed behaviour, hands down. If you’re always apologising for the same thing, it starts to lose meaning. Learning from mistakes and making an effort to improve is the real way to fix a problem. Before moving on, take a moment to reflect. What led to the situation? What can you do differently next time? Showing that you’ve learned something helps rebuild trust and prevents the same issue from happening again.
