Parents play a massive role in shaping the way we see ourselves, sometimes in ways we don’t even realise until much later.
If you grew up struggling with self-doubt, second-guessing yourself, or feeling like you weren’t quite enough, there’s a good chance your upbringing played a role. Even the most well-intentioned parents can unknowingly leave lasting marks on their child’s self-esteem, and that’s tough to deal with. If you’ve ever wondered where your lack of confidence comes from, these parenting behaviours might be part of the answer. The good thing is that you don’t have to let this control your life — by taking little steps to increase your self-assurance and even working with a therapist, you can start to love yourself the way you deserve.
1. Constantly pointing out your flaws
Whether it was your weight, your posture, your intelligence, or your personality, some parents just couldn’t resist making little comments about how you could be better. Maybe it was framed as “helpful advice” or “constructive criticism,” but hearing about what’s wrong with you all the time unsurprisingly eats away at your confidence. Instead of focusing on your strengths, you grew up hyper-aware of your flaws, some of which weren’t even flaws to begin with. And now? You might catch yourself nitpicking every little thing about yourself, just like they did.
2. Comparing you to other kids
Whether it was your siblings, classmates, or the neighbour’s perfect child, being compared to other kids made you feel like you were never quite good enough. Maybe you always came up just short —not as smart, not as athletic, not as talented as someone else. Instead of feeling valued for who you were, you were taught to measure yourself against everyone else. And as an adult, that comparison habit probably stuck, making it hard to feel confident in your own achievements.
3. Making your achievements feel small
Some parents have a way of turning even the biggest accomplishments into no big deal. You worked hard, you did something great, and instead of celebrating, they brushed it off with, “Well, that’s what you were supposed to do.” When your wins are constantly downplayed, you start to wonder if anything you do is impressive enough. Over time, this can make you stop trying altogether — because what’s the point if it never really matters?
4. Only showing love when you “earned” it
Did you feel like their approval had to be earned? Some parents only gave affection when you accomplished something, whether it was good grades, good behaviour, or meeting their expectations. Love felt conditional, not constant. As an adult, this can show up as people-pleasing, perfectionism, or struggling to accept love that isn’t performance-based. It’s hard to feel confident in yourself when you were taught that who you are isn’t enough; only what you do matters.
5. Never letting you make your own decisions
Some parents micromanage every choice their child makes — what they wear, what they study, what hobbies they should have. While it might have come from a place of wanting the best for you, it can leave you feeling incapable of making decisions for yourself. Now, even small choices might feel overwhelming because you never learned how to trust your own judgement. Instead of feeling confident in your own decisions, you second-guess yourself, waiting for someone else to tell you what to do.
6. Dismissing your feelings as “dramatic”
Did your parents tell you to stop overreacting or simply get over it whenever you expressed emotions? If so, you probably learned that your feelings weren’t valid — that being upset, angry, or even excited was too much. Now, you might struggle to express yourself openly, worried that people will think you’re annoying, needy, or over-the-top. When your emotions were constantly dismissed, you learned to shrink yourself instead of taking up space.
7. Criticising you more than they praised you
Some parents thought that constantly pointing out your mistakes would make you better. Instead of focusing on what you did well, they zoomed in on every little thing you didn’t do perfectly. If you grew up never feeling like you were doing enough, you probably carried that into adulthood. Even now, no matter how much you achieve, you might still feel like you’re falling short because that’s what you were conditioned to believe.
8. Shaming you instead of teaching you
There’s a big difference between guidance and shame. Some parents corrected their kids by making them feel bad instead of teaching them. Instead of saying, “Hey, mistakes happen—here’s how to fix it,” they said, “What’s wrong with you?” When you grow up associating mistakes with shame, you become terrified of failure. You might avoid taking risks, trying new things, or speaking up because the fear of messing up is too strong.
9. Making you feel guilty for resting
Did your parents act like every moment had to be productive? Maybe they made you feel lazy for relaxing, or acted like you had to “earn” rest. That mindset can follow you into adulthood, making it impossible to relax without guilt. Now, if you ever try to take a break, you might hear their voice in your head telling you you’re not doing enough. But the truth is, rest isn’t a reward — it’s a necessity. You don’t have to prove your worth through exhaustion. What sense does that make?
10. Never apologising when they were wrong
Some parents saw apologising as a sign of weakness. If they hurt your feelings, lost their temper, or made a mistake, they never acknowledged it. Instead, they expected you to just get over it and move on. As a result, you might struggle to stand up for yourself now. If you were taught that your feelings didn’t matter enough to warrant an apology, it can be hard to believe that anyone owes you respect.
11. Making you feel like your interests weren’t good enough
Did your parents roll their eyes at your hobbies? Maybe they dismissed what you loved as “a waste of time” or “not important.” When your passions aren’t taken seriously, it’s easy to feel like what makes you happy doesn’t matter. Now, you might struggle to embrace the things you enjoy without feeling silly or embarrassed. But your interests do matter, and you don’t need anyone’s approval to enjoy them.
12. Pushing you to be “perfect”
If your parents expected perfection, you might have learned that anything less wasn’t good enough. Even now, you might feel pressure to excel in every area of life because “average” or “good” never felt like enough. That kind of pressure can make you afraid to fail, afraid to try new things, or afraid to show weakness. But perfection isn’t real, and you don’t need to exhaust yourself trying to achieve it.
13. Using guilt to control you
“After everything I’ve done for you…” Sound familiar? Some parents use guilt to get what they want, making you feel selfish for setting boundaries, prioritising yourself, or making choices they don’t like. This can lead to a lifelong struggle with guilt, where you feel bad for putting yourself first—even when it’s necessary. But you’re allowed to prioritise your own needs without feeling like you’re betraying anyone, you know.
14. Expecting you to “just deal with it.”
If your struggles were brushed off with “That’s life” or “Toughen up,” you might have learned that asking for help was a sign of weakness. Instead of feeling supported, you felt like you had to handle everything alone. But needing help doesn’t mean you’re weak. You deserve support, and you don’t have to go through life feeling like you’re on your own.
15. Making love feel conditional
If your parents only showed love when you were “good,” it might have left you feeling like your worth was tied to your achievements, behaviour, or ability to meet expectations. But love should never feel like something you have to earn. You were always enough, just as you were — and you still are.
