Some people take your forgiveness for granted, knowing you’ll always give them another chance, no matter how many times they let you down.
If you’ve found yourself stuck in this cycle, constantly excusing someone’s behaviour even when they don’t change, it’s definitely time to step back. Letting go of automatic forgiveness doesn’t mean becoming bitter; it means valuing yourself enough to stop allowing the same hurt to repeat. Here’s how to break the pattern.
1. Stop assuming their apologies mean something.
When someone says “I’m sorry,” it’s easy to assume they mean it. But if they keep hurting you in the same ways, their words don’t carry much weight. A real apology requires more than just saying the right thing; they need to back it up with actual change. Think about how many times you’ve forgiven them based on an apology alone. Have they truly done anything different afterwards, or do they just repeat the behaviour and expect you to move on? If their actions don’t match their words, there’s no real reason to keep believing them.
2. Recognise when forgiveness is just enabling them.
Forgiveness is a personal choice, but when it becomes a pattern, it can send the wrong message. If someone knows they can hurt you and all they have to do is say a few nice words to get back into your life, they’ll keep doing it. You don’t have to hold grudges, but you also don’t have to hand out free passes. Some people rely on your kindness to avoid consequences, and the more you forgive without boundaries, the more they’ll take advantage of it.
3. Ask yourself what you’re getting out of forgiving them.
Forgiveness is often seen as something we do for other people, but sometimes, we do it for ourselves because it feels easier than facing the truth. If you’re constantly forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it, take a step back and ask yourself why. Are you afraid of conflict? Do you think they’ll finally change if you just give them one more chance? Or do you feel like you’ve invested too much in the relationship to walk away now? Understanding your own reasons can help you break the habit.
4. Pay attention to how forgiving them makes you feel.
True forgiveness should bring relief. If every time you forgive them, you feel frustrated, disappointed, or like you’re setting yourself up to be hurt again, that’s a sign something isn’t right. You shouldn’t feel like you’re forcing yourself to move on when deep down, you know nothing has changed. If forgiveness feels more like a burden than a choice, it’s time to reevaluate whether it’s really the right path.
5. Stop excusing their behaviour with “that’s just how they are.”
Maybe they’ve always been like this — careless with your feelings, selfish in their choices, unwilling to admit when they’re wrong. But just because something has been the norm doesn’t mean you have to keep accepting it. People grow when they’re held accountable, not when their actions are constantly brushed aside. If you find yourself making excuses like “they don’t mean it” or “they’ve been through a lot,” ask yourself if you’d tolerate the same behaviour from someone else.
6. Let go of the hope that they’ll change.
One of the hardest things to accept is that some people don’t change, at least not in the way you want them to. They might say they will, they might even believe it in the moment, but if history has shown otherwise, it’s time to believe their patterns, not their promises. Hoping for a different version of them keeps you stuck in a loop. If they wanted to change, they would have already started. If you’re constantly waiting for them to be better, you’re delaying your own peace.
7. Accept that walking away isn’t the same as being bitter.
Some people make you feel like cutting them off means you’re holding a grudge, but there’s a big difference between being resentful and simply choosing to protect yourself from more harm. Letting go doesn’t mean wishing them harm or dwelling on the past. It just means recognising that they don’t deserve another opportunity to hurt you. There’s nothing wrong with prioritising your well-being over someone who hasn’t earned your trust.
8. Set boundaries and actually follow through.
Forgiveness without boundaries is an open invitation for someone to walk all over you. If you’ve forgiven them before with no consequences, they’ve learned that they can get away with it. Decide what your limits are and make them clear. If they cross those lines again, don’t just threaten to walk away — actually do it. The only way they’ll understand you’re serious is if you follow through.
9. Recognise when they’re using guilt to manipulate you.
Some people don’t apologise because they genuinely feel bad; they do it to make you feel guilty for being upset. They might say things like, “I can’t believe you’re still mad at me” or “You’re making me feel like a terrible person.” If someone shifts the focus to how bad they feel instead of how they hurt you, that’s not a real apology. It’s a tactic to get you to forgive them quickly so they don’t have to deal with the discomfort of actually making things right.
10. Remind yourself that some relationships just aren’t worth saving.
Not every relationship is meant to last forever. Some people come into your life to teach you something, and once that lesson is learned, it’s okay to let them go. Forcing a relationship that continuously brings you pain isn’t loyalty; it’s self-sabotage. If you’ve given them chance after chance, and they keep proving they don’t deserve it, it’s time to accept that moving on is the healthier choice.
11. Think about how your life would be without them.
Imagine waking up without the stress of wondering if they’ll hurt you again. Think about how much lighter you’d feel not having to second-guess their intentions or wait for another letdown. Sometimes, we hold on to people out of habit rather than genuine love. If your life would feel more peaceful without them in it, that tells you everything you need to know.
12. Stop putting their needs above your own.
Forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it often comes from a place of wanting to keep the peace. But at what cost? If forgiving them means sacrificing your own happiness, self-respect, or mental health, it’s not worth it. You matter just as much as they do. Your feelings, your boundaries, and your wellness deserve to be prioritised, even if it means letting go of someone who can’t respect them.
13. Recognise that you deserve better.
It’s easy to convince yourself that this is just how relationships are—that people always hurt each other, and that it’s normal to keep forgiving. But deep down, you know you deserve more than this. The right people won’t put you in a position where you have to constantly forgive them. They won’t make you question whether they actually care. When you start believing that, it becomes a lot easier to walk away from those who don’t treat you right.
14. Treat yourself with the same kindness you keep giving them.
If you’re constantly showing patience, understanding, and love to someone who doesn’t return it, ask yourself: when was the last time you did that for yourself? Imagine if you directed all that energy towards your own healing instead of trying to fix them. Imagine how much happier you’d be if you stopped trying to forgive the person who hurt you and started focusing on forgiving yourself for letting them stay in your life for so long.
