What To Do When You Realise You’re The Toxic One In The Relationship

When it finally dawns on you that the real problem in your relationship is you, that can be a pretty tough pill to swallow.

It’s easy to blame problems on the other person, but if you’re the one causing damage, ignoring it won’t make things any better. Whether you’re manipulative, controlling, or even just emotionally unavailable, you’re causing what might be irreparable damage to your partnership and may ruin it for good. The good news is that you’re self-aware enough to see it now, which means you have the power to change. Here’s what to do when you realise you’re the toxic one in the relationship.

1. Acknowledge the problem instead of making excuses.

It’s easy to justify bad behaviour by blaming stress, past trauma, or something your partner did, but if you’re truly the toxic one, making excuses won’t help. The first step is owning up to the fact that your behaviour is hurting the relationship. That doesn’t mean beating yourself up, of course; it means recognising that something needs to change. Owning up to your part in the problem is tough, but avoiding responsibility will only keep things stuck in an unhealthy cycle.

2. Pinpoint the toxic behaviours you’re guilty of.

Toxicity comes in many forms — controlling tendencies, emotional manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, or even shutting down completely when things get tough (and that’s just to name a few). Figuring out exactly how your behaviour is affecting your partner is key. Think about past arguments and patterns in your relationship. Do you lash out when things don’t go your way? Do you use guilt to get what you want? Do you dismiss your partner’s feelings instead of validating them? Pinpointing these habits helps you break them.

3. Reflect on where these behaviours are coming from.

Most toxic behaviours don’t come from nowhere; they’re usually shaped by past experiences, upbringing, or unresolved emotions. Maybe you grew up in a household where love was conditional, or maybe you’ve been hurt before and now fear vulnerability. Understanding why you act the way you do doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, but it does help you recognise the patterns at play. Once you know where your toxicity is coming from, you can start working on changing it at the root.

4. Stop blaming your partner for your actions.

It’s tempting to think, “Well, if they didn’t do this, I wouldn’t react that way.” But no matter what your partner does, your reactions are still your responsibility. Blaming them for your toxic tendencies just keeps the cycle going. Instead of focusing on what they could do differently, focus on what you can change. Taking full accountability without conditions or justifications is the only way to truly grow and improve as a partner. Otherwise, you might as well not even bother.

5. Apologise sincerely and without expectations.

If your toxic behaviour has hurt your partner, a real apology is necessary. Not one that’s filled with “but you also…” or “I only did that because…” — just a genuine, honest apology that acknowledges the harm you’ve caused. A good apology includes ownership, regret, and a commitment to change. But don’t expect immediate forgiveness. Your partner might need time to trust that you’re serious about making changes, and that’s something you have to respect. You’ll need to prove that you’re committed to changing by actually doing so rather than just talking about it.

6. Communicate clearly about the fact that you really want to change (and plan on doing so).

While actions speak louder than words, simply deciding to be better in your own mind isn’t enough — your partner needs to hear it too. Let them know you recognise the damage you’ve caused and that you’re committed to doing the work to fix it. Being open about your efforts can make a huge difference, then comes the proof. Make strides in fixing what’s wrong, even if it takes time. Your partner will trust your growth more if they see real, consistent effort rather than empty promises.

7. Consider going to therapy if you think you need it or that it might help you.

Some toxic patterns run deep, and trying to fix them on your own can feel overwhelming. Therapy or counselling can be incredibly helpful in unpacking why you behave the way you do and giving you tools to change. A therapist can help you navigate feelings of guilt, insecurity, or control issues in a way that leads to real change. If you truly want to be a better partner, seeking outside help isn’t a weakness; it’s a sign of commitment to growth.

8. Work on your emotional regulation

A lot of toxic behaviour stems from poor emotional control, which is why you might end up blowing up in anger, shutting down, or lashing out when things don’t go your way. Learning to regulate your emotions can make a massive difference in how you handle conflicts and interactions. Before reacting, pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself if what you’re about to say or do is helpful or just emotionally charged. Over time, developing self-control will help you avoid causing unnecessary damage in the heat of the moment.

9. Work on being a better listener.

People who are toxic in relationships often struggle with truly listening. Instead of hearing their partner’s concerns, they get defensive, dismiss emotions, or try to turn the conversation around on them. Being a better listener means putting aside your need to be right and actually absorbing what your partner is saying. Instead of immediately reacting, try repeating back what they’ve said to show you understand. Real listening builds trust and shows them you’re making an effort.

10. Give your partner space if they need it.

If you’ve been toxic, your partner might need some space to process things. Instead of panicking or demanding immediate reassurance, respect their need for time and distance. Change takes time, and if your partner needs to step back to feel safe or figure out what they want, let them. The best way to show growth is to handle that space maturely, instead of using it as another reason to spiral into toxic patterns.

11. Be patient with the process of change.

You won’t undo years of toxic behaviour overnight. Real change takes time, and slipping up occasionally doesn’t mean you’re failing, it just means you’re human. The key is recognising when you fall into old habits and correcting them instead of giving up. Patience is crucial. Your partner won’t automatically trust that you’ve changed, and you might get frustrated with the slow progress. But consistent effort, self-awareness, and a commitment to improvement will lead to real transformation.

12. Let go of defensiveness.

It’s easy to feel attacked when someone points out your flaws, but if you truly want to change, defensiveness has to go. Instead of shutting down or making excuses, take feedback with an open mind. Being defensive stops growth before it even starts. Accept that hearing hard truths is part of the process, and rather than getting caught up in how criticism makes you feel, focus on how you can use it to become a better partner.

13. Focus on making things better, not just fixing your image.

If your main concern is proving you’ve changed rather than actually improving, you’re missing the point. Real change isn’t about looking good; it’s about becoming a better, healthier person for both yourself and your partner. Change your mindset from “I need to prove I’m not toxic” to “I need to genuinely work on being a better person.” When your efforts come from a sincere place, the results will speak for themselves.

14. Accept that not every relationship can be saved.

Sometimes, no matter how much you change, the damage has already been done. If your partner decides they can’t move forward with you, you have to respect that, even if it hurts. Growth isn’t just about fixing a specific relationship; it’s about becoming a better person overall. Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, the work you do on yourself will help you build healthier relationships in the future.

15. Keep working on yourself, even if things improve.

Real change isn’t just about fixing a relationship; it’s about long-term growth. If things start getting better, don’t assume you’re done. Keep reflecting, keep working on your behaviours, and keep striving to be the best version of yourself. Self-improvement is a lifelong process, and maintaining healthy relationship habits takes effort. The more you commit to growth, the better your relationships, romantic or otherwise, will be in the long run.