They say when you marry someone, you also marry their family, and in many ways, that’s true.
If your spouse is close to their family, you’ll need to nurture your own strong relationship with them, and that can be tough when they’re not exactly your biggest fan. The hardest person to win over is often your partner’s mother, who has high standards for her child and often a clear idea of the kind of person they should be with. She might not come out and tell you directly that she doesn’t approve of your marriage, but that opinion becomes pretty clear if she does these things.
1. She never acknowledges your milestones.
Does she seem uninterested or dismissive when something important happens in your life? Whether it’s a job promotion, a personal achievement, or even your anniversary, her lack of enthusiasm might be telling. It’s not always what people say, but what they don’t, that speaks volumes. Her silence or lukewarm response to your milestones can make it feel like she’s not fully invested in celebrating your happiness. Over time, it can feel isolating, especially if you notice her showing more excitement for other people in the family. It’s not just about the events themselves; it’s the message behind the indifference. Feeling unacknowledged can destroy your confidence in the relationship, making it even harder to bridge the gap with her.
2. She makes passive-aggressive comments.
Her words might seem innocent at first, but you notice they often have an edge. Comments like, “Oh, that’s how you do it?” or “Interesting choice,” can feel more critical than curious. These subtle digs can leave you second-guessing your actions or choices, even if you were confident about them before. Passive-aggressiveness can be harder to address because it’s indirect, making it tricky to call out without sounding overly sensitive. However, recognising the pattern can help you mentally separate her feelings from your worth. Her remarks are likely more about her discomfort than any real issue with you.
3. She constantly compares you to other people in unflattering ways.
If she frequently brings up how someone else’s spouse does things differently or “better, ” it’s often a subtle way of saying she wishes you were more like them. These comparisons might be about anything, from how you handle household tasks to your career choices, and they can leave you feeling unfairly judged. Hearing these remarks repeatedly can be draining, as it feels like you’re in constant competition without knowing the rules. The comparisons may stem from her idealised vision of what she wanted for her child, but they don’t define your value or the strength of your relationship.
4. She excludes you from family decisions.
Do you feel like an outsider when family plans are being made? If she avoids consulting you about important gatherings or decisions that involve your partner, it might be her way of asserting control. The exclusion can feel intentional, as though she doesn’t see you as a fully integrated part of the family. Being left out can create a sense of disconnection, making it harder to feel like you belong. It’s important to remember that her behaviour often says more about her struggles with sharing influence than about your role in the family. Standing your ground calmly can help set clearer expectations.
5. She seems overly protective of your partner.
Does she often step in to defend your partner, even when no defence is needed? That kind of behaviour can come across as her trying to maintain control or implying that you’re not taking good enough care of them. It might be subtle, like correcting something you say, or more direct, like questioning your choices together. While protectiveness might stem from a genuine place of love, it can feel overbearing if it’s at the expense of your connection. It’s important to establish boundaries that allow your relationship to thrive without outside interference, even if her intentions aren’t malicious.
6. She undermines your parenting decisions.
If you have kids, does she frequently question or override how you choose to raise them? Comments like, “That’s not how we did it,” or disregarding your rules altogether, can signal a lack of respect for your authority as a parent. It’s like she’s struggling to let go of her role as the family’s decision-maker. Repeatedly dealing with this can create tension, not just between you and her, but within your own family. While she may genuinely believe she’s being helpful, it’s important to reinforce that your decisions deserve to be respected, even if they differ from hers.
7. She plays the victim when you confront her.
Whenever you try to address an issue with her, does she turn the conversation around to make herself seem wronged? Instead of engaging constructively, she might claim that you’re being unfair or overly critical, making it nearly impossible to resolve any issues you have. Plus, it can make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Over time, her behaviour can wear on you, as it takes the focus away from the actual problem and leaves you questioning whether bringing up concerns is even worth it. Standing firm without getting drawn into guilt-tripping can help keep the conversation on track and more productive.
8. She gives unsolicited advice constantly.
Advice is great when asked for, but if she’s always offering her two cents without being asked, it can feel intrusive. Whether it’s about your home, career, or personal choices, her unsolicited input might come across as a lack of confidence in your abilities. Even if her intentions are good, the constant advice can feel exhausting, as though she doesn’t trust you to make decisions on your own. Finding a polite but firm way to set boundaries can help you take control of your choices without escalating tension unnecessarily.
9. She treats you differently in public.
Is she warm and friendly when other people are around but cold or dismissive in private? Such a huge change in behaviour can be confusing and make it hard to pin down her true feelings. It’s often a way to maintain appearances while still keeping her distance from you behind closed doors. Those inconsistencies can create a sense of mistrust, as it feels like she’s putting on a facade for everyone else. Recognising the pattern can help you approach the relationship with clearer expectations, knowing what behaviour to take at face value and what might need addressing directly.
10. She brings up the past all the time.
If she often mentions things from before your marriage—like exes, old family traditions, or the way things used to be—it might be her way of clinging to a time when you weren’t in the picture. These comments can feel dismissive, as though your presence has disrupted her version of the ideal family. It might not always be intentional, but it can leave you feeling like you’re being compared to a past you had no part in. Addressing the pattern with kindness can help set the stage for more meaningful conversations about the present and future.
11. She never wants to spend time with you one-on-one.
Does she make excuses to avoid being alone with you, even for brief moments? Her reluctance could be a sign of discomfort or disapproval that she hasn’t been able to voice openly. Avoiding one-on-one time often creates a barrier to building a genuine relationship. While her avoidance can be hurtful, it’s also an opportunity to reflect on whether she’s struggling with her own feelings or insecurities. Taking small, intentional steps to connect on neutral ground might help open the door to a better understanding over time.
12. She oversteps boundaries with your partner.
If she regularly calls, visits, or gets involved in decisions without consulting both of you, it can feel like she’s not respecting your partnership. It’s clear she can’t seem to let go of her influence over your partner’s life. While her involvement might stem from love, it can be difficult to establish your own dynamic as a couple when she’s too involved. Setting clear, respectful boundaries can help ensure that her role in your lives feels supportive rather than overbearing.
13. She downplays or dismisses your relationship in front of other people.
Does she make jokes or remarks that belittle your relationship or undermine its importance? These comments might be subtle, like referring to your wedding as “just a little ceremony,” but they can sting and feel dismissive of your bond. Such behaviour often reflects her own unresolved feelings about your marriage. Recognising that her words don’t define your connection can help you approach these moments with confidence, addressing them when necessary to protect your self-worth.
14. She criticises everything you do and every decision you make.
Whether it’s about your home, job, or even how you spend your weekends, constant criticism can feel like a subtle way of expressing disapproval. It’s less about what you’re doing and more about her projecting her expectations onto you. Hearing constant negativity can be draining, making it hard to feel secure in your decisions. Reminding yourself that her critique is a reflection of her perspective, not your worth, can help you create space for your own confidence to thrive.
