Most parents want nothing but the best for their kids, but they might do or say things that cause serious damage.
Sometimes these are bad habits carried over from their own childhoods; other times, they’re reactions borne from stress, frustration, or even just lack of know-how. Either way, these patterns can end up making kids feel unloved, unwanted, and like major burdens in their parents’ lives. If you want to make sure your own children feel heard, understood, supported, and cared for, make sure you’re not guilty of any of these behaviours.
1. Not listening when they talk
When kids try to share something and parents brush it off or seem distracted, it can feel like what they have to say doesn’t matter. Whether it’s a small story about their day or something they’re excited about, being ignored can make them feel invisible. It might seem harmless in the moment, but over time, it can send the message that their thoughts and feelings aren’t valued. Making eye contact, putting down your phone, and responding thoughtfully can make a big difference. Even if you’re busy, letting your child know you’ll listen when you have a moment shows that their voice matters. Consistently showing interest helps build their confidence and reassures them that what they share is important to you.
2. Dismissing their emotions
It’s easy to say things like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not that big of a deal” when a child is upset, but it can make them feel invalidated. Even if their feelings seem minor from an adult perspective, those emotions are very real to them in the moment. Dismissing these feelings can leave them feeling misunderstood and unsupported. Instead, acknowledge their emotions and let them express what they’re feeling without judgement. Phrases like “I can see why that upset you” or “That must have been hard” can make them feel heard. Offering empathy doesn’t mean you’re encouraging overreaction — it shows that you care about their experiences and how they feel.
3. Comparing them to people, whether in a good way or a bad one
Comments like “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” or “Your friend got a better grade than you” might be intended as motivation, but they often do the opposite. Being compared to other people can make kids feel like they’re never enough. It also creates unnecessary pressure and can harm their self-esteem over time. Focus on their unique strengths and encourage them to improve based on their own abilities rather than someone else’s achievements. Acknowledging their efforts and celebrating small wins helps them feel valued for who they are, not how they measure up to anyone else.
4. Making jokes at their expense
Playful teasing might seem harmless, but when it’s directed at a child, it can feel hurtful and embarrassing. Comments about their weight, appearance, or personality, even if meant as a joke, can stick with them and make them feel insecure. Over time, these jokes can destroy their confidence and sense of self-worth. Think about how your words might come across, even in a joking context. It’s fine to laugh together, but avoid jokes that could be interpreted as criticism. Showing respect for their feelings and being mindful of your tone can help them feel safe and supported at home.
5. Being overly critical
Pointing out flaws or mistakes more often than offering praise can leave kids feeling like they can’t do anything right. Even when criticism is meant to guide or correct, too much of it can overshadow their accomplishments and make them doubt their abilities. Balance constructive feedback with genuine encouragement. Highlight their strengths and let them know you appreciate their efforts, even when things don’t go perfectly. Positive reinforcement builds their confidence and motivates them to keep trying, rather than feeling defeated by constant criticism.
6. Not spending quality time together
In today’s busy world, it’s easy to get caught up in work, chores, and other responsibilities, but neglecting one-on-one time with your child can make them feel unimportant. Kids notice when they’re not a priority, and a lack of shared moments can create distance in the relationship. Even small gestures, like playing a game, going for a walk, or simply sitting down for a conversation, can strengthen your bond. Quality time doesn’t have to be elaborate — it’s about being fully present and making your child feel valued in the moment you’re sharing together.
7. Overreacting to their mistakes
Yelling, scolding, or punishing harshly for minor mistakes can make kids feel afraid to fail. The fear of making mistakes can lead to anxiety and a reluctance to try new things. Over time, they might internalise the idea that they’re not good enough or that mistakes define their worth. Responding calmly and using mistakes as teaching moments helps them see failure as a normal part of learning. Encourage them to talk about what went wrong and brainstorm solutions together. Doing so helps them build resilience and understand that mistakes don’t diminish your love for them.
8. Withholding affection as punishment
When parents withdraw affection to discipline their child, it can send a message that love is conditional. It might feel effective in the moment, but it often leaves kids feeling insecure about their place in the family. They may begin to equate love with behaviour, believing they have to earn it. Discipline and love should never be intertwined. Make it clear that your love is unwavering, even when their actions aren’t ideal. By separating behaviour correction from emotional connection, you provide a safe space where they can learn and grow without fearing rejection.
9. Forgetting to celebrate their efforts
Focusing only on results, like grades or performance, can overshadow the hard work your child puts in. When effort goes unrecognised, they might feel like their value is tied only to outcomes, rather than their dedication or creativity. Sadly, it can discourage them from trying if they feel their effort doesn’t matter. Praise their determination, problem-solving, and perseverance, regardless of the outcome. It reinforces that their worth isn’t solely based on success, but also on their willingness to try. Celebrating their efforts helps build confidence and a healthy sense of self-worth.
10. Being emotionally unavailable
Kids often turn to their parents for comfort and reassurance, so when a parent seems emotionally distant, it can feel isolating. Whether it’s due to stress, exhaustion, or distraction, being emotionally unavailable sends the message that their feelings aren’t important enough to warrant attention. Prioritise being present during emotionally charged moments. Even if you don’t have a solution to their problem, simply being there to listen and validate their feelings makes a huge difference. Showing emotional availability helps kids feel secure and loved, no matter what they’re going through.
11. Ignoring their accomplishments.=
When parents fail to acknowledge a child’s achievements, big or small, it can feel like their efforts don’t matter. Whether it’s a good grade, a drawing, or a new skill, celebrating these moments shows kids that you see and appreciate their growth. Take time to notice and express pride in their accomplishments, no matter how small they seem. A bit of recognition doesn’t just make them feel valued — it motivates them to keep striving and builds a sense of pride in their abilities.
12. Being inconsistent with attention
Inconsistently showing interest or affection can leave kids feeling confused about where they stand. If one day you’re attentive and the next you’re too distracted to engage, they might start to believe that your love is unpredictable. That inconsistency can create feelings of insecurity or unease. Strive to be steady in your attention and care. Even during busy times, small gestures like a kind word or a quick check-in can make a difference. Consistency builds trust and reassures kids that they’re loved, regardless of life’s ups and downs.
13. Criticising their passions or interests
When kids share something they’re passionate about, dismissive comments can feel deeply hurtful. Whether it’s a hobby, a favourite show, or an unusual interest, brushing it off or making fun of it can make them feel judged or unsupported. Encourage them to explore their passions, even if you don’t fully understand or relate to them. Showing enthusiasm for what excites them validates their interests and builds their confidence. Supporting their unique passions helps them feel seen and loved for who they truly are.
14. Forgetting to say “I love you”
While it might feel obvious that you love your child, they still need to hear it. Over time, not expressing love explicitly can leave them feeling unsure or even unloved, especially during tough moments. Words of affirmation are simple but powerful in reinforcing their sense of belonging. Make “I love you” a regular part of your conversations, even during the mundane moments. Paired with consistent actions, these words help solidify the emotional foundation kids need to feel valued and secure. Knowing they’re loved unconditionally shapes how they view themselves and their relationships with other people.
