While kindness and consideration are valuable traits, people-pleasing can lead to a lifetime of prioritising everyone else’s happiness over your own.
If your child shows signs of bending over backwards to avoid confrontation or seek approval, it’s important to help them develop the confidence to set boundaries and value their own needs. Here are some vital lessons to teach your child to help them grow into a thoughtful yet self-assured human being who doesn’t feel the need to please everyone.
1. Teach them it’s okay to say no.
Kids often feel pressure to agree with authority figures, friends, or peers to avoid disappointing them. Teaching your child that it’s okay to say no without guilt is a foundational lesson. Remind them that they’re not responsible for keeping everyone else happy. Reassure them that saying no is an act of self-respect, not selfishness. Help them practise this skill by role-playing scenarios where they might feel pressured, so they can learn how to assert themselves calmly and confidently.
2. Help them understand their emotions.
People-pleasing often comes from a fear of upsetting people or causing problems. Teaching your child to identify and process their emotions equips them to handle these situations better. Encourage them to talk about their feelings and validate their emotional experiences. When they recognise their emotions, they’re less likely to ignore their own needs to please other people. Emotional awareness helps them understand what they truly want, making it easier to stand firm in their decisions.
3. Encourage them to prioritise their needs.
Kids who constantly prioritise everyone else over themselves may grow up believing their needs don’t matter. Teach your child that their health and happiness are just as important as anyone else’s. Help them understand that taking care of themselves allows them to better support people when needed. Show them how to recognise when they’re overextending themselves. Encourage self-care practices and give them space to say, “I need a break” or “I’m not comfortable with that” when that’s how they feel.
4. Help them recognise when they’re being manipulated.
Manipulative behaviour can often go unnoticed by children who are eager to please. Teach your child to spot red flags, like guilt-tripping, excessive flattery, or someone only showing kindness when they want something. Help them understand the difference between healthy requests and manipulative tactics. Role-playing scenarios can be a useful tool here. The more they practise identifying manipulation, the better equipped they’ll be to stand up for themselves when faced with such behaviour.
5. Teach them to set boundaries.
Boundaries are an essential part of any healthy relationship, but they can be hard for people-pleasers to enforce. Teach your child the importance of setting clear limits, whether it’s about their time, energy, or personal space. Help them practise phrases like, “I don’t have time for that right now,” or, “I’m not comfortable doing that.” Emphasise that boundaries aren’t about pushing people away; they’re about protecting their mental, emotional, and physical health.
6. Show them how to deal with guilt.
Source: Pexels One of the biggest challenges for people-pleasers is dealing with guilt when they say no or prioritise their own needs. Teach your child that it’s okay to feel a little guilty, but that it’s not a reason to ignore their own boundaries. Help them reframe guilt as a sign they’re doing something new and healthy for themselves. Let them know that over time, setting boundaries will feel more natural, and the guilt will fade as they see the benefits.
7. Encourage them to value their own opinion.
People-pleasers often suppress their thoughts or opinions to avoid rocking the boat. Encourage your child to share what they think, even if it’s different from everyone else. Let them know that their voice matters just as much as anyone else’s. Engage them in conversations where their input is valued, and praise them when they express their opinions confidently. This helps them build self-assurance and trust in their own judgement.
8. Teach them the difference between kindness and overextending.
Source: Unsplash Being kind doesn’t mean saying yes to everything or bending over backwards for other people. Teach your child that kindness is about empathy and respect, not self-sacrifice. They can be caring without neglecting their own needs. Help them understand that saying no or setting limits doesn’t make them unkind — it simply means they’re honouring their own capacity. Balancing kindness with self-respect is a skill that will serve them well throughout their lives.
9. Model assertive behaviour yourself.
Source: Unsplash Kids learn a lot by watching how adults handle situations. If they see you consistently overcommitting or struggling to set boundaries, they’re more likely to adopt those habits. Show them what it looks like to be assertive without being confrontational. Use everyday situations to demonstrate assertiveness, such as declining an invitation or negotiating respectfully. When they see you standing up for yourself, they’ll feel more confident doing the same.
10. Remind them they can’t please everyone.
Source: Unsplash No matter how hard they try, your child will never be able to make everyone happy, and that’s okay. Teach them that trying to please everyone often leads to disappointment and burnout. Instead, encourage them to focus on the people and values that truly matter to them. Let them know it’s normal to face criticism or disapproval, and that it’s impossible to meet everyone’s expectations. When they accept this, they’ll feel freer to make choices that align with their own happiness.
11. Encourage them to handle conflict directly.
People-pleasers often avoid conflict out of fear of upsetting people, but avoiding issues doesn’t make them disappear. Teach your child how to address disagreements calmly and respectfully. This helps them develop confidence in navigating tough conversations. Show them that conflict, when handled well, can strengthen relationships rather than harm them. Being honest about their feelings encourages mutual understanding and sets the stage for healthier connections.
12. Help them manage perfectionist tendencies.
Perfectionism and people-pleasing often go hand in hand. If your child feels like they have to do everything perfectly to gain approval, it’s time to address this mindset. Teach them that mistakes are part of learning and that their worth isn’t tied to how “perfect” they seem. Encourage them to embrace effort over perfection and to take pride in progress rather than focusing on flaws. Letting go of unrealistic expectations will free them from the pressure of always needing to please everyone else through achievement.
13. Build their self-esteem.
Source: Unsplash Low self-esteem is a common driver of people-pleasing behaviours. If your child doesn’t feel confident in who they are, they might seek validation through pleasing people. Help them build a strong sense of self-worth by celebrating their strengths and encouraging them to take pride in their individuality. Doing things that challenge them and let them succeed on their own can help boost their confidence. When they believe in their abilities, they’re less likely to rely on anyone else’s approval to feel good about themselves.
14. Teach them the value of reciprocity in relationships.
Healthy relationships involve give-and-take, but people-pleasers often focus solely on giving. Teach your child that it’s okay to expect effort, respect, and care from other people in return. Relationships should feel balanced and mutual, not one-sided. Help them understand that true friends or loved ones will respect their boundaries and appreciate them for who they are, not just what they do. Teaching them to recognise this balance will help them cultivate healthier connections in the future.
