Feeling like you’re constantly being evaluated by a parent isn’t a nice feeling, and it can give you some major complexes as you get older.
While your mum or dad might have thought they were helping you by being overly critical and constantly giving “helpful” suggestions on how you could improve, in reality, all it did was make you feel bad about yourself, worried that you weren’t good enough, and maybe even a little resentful about their lack of support. If this was your experience growing up, you might display some of these behaviours and traits as an adult. You can overcome them, but you’ll have to work at it, so don’t hesitate to talk to a therapist or counsellor if you need a bit of help.
1. A relentless pursuit of perfection.
Source: Unsplash If you grew up constantly being scrutinised, it’s no surprise that as an adult, you might feel like you have to be perfect all the time. You might think that if you can just get everything right, no one will judge you, or worse, reject you. That drive for perfection can sneak into all areas of your life, like work, your relationships, and your personal goals, and it can create a lot of unnecessary stress. Striving to do your best is great, but when it turns into fear of making even the tiniest mistake, it can leave you burnt out and constantly feeling like you’re falling short. Learning to accept that mistakes are part of the process can be freeing. Instead of focusing on being perfect, start recognising the value in your efforts and the growth that comes with trying.
2. Second-guessing yourself all the time
When your every decision was picked apart as a child, it’s no wonder you might second-guess yourself as an adult. You might find yourself hesitating when it’s time to make choices, constantly wondering if you’re doing the right thing, or waiting for someone to reassure you before taking action. Overcoming that kind of self-doubt takes time, but a good place to start is by practising making smaller decisions on your own. Each time you make a choice and see it turn out well, it helps to build trust in your own judgement. It might take a while, but the more you trust yourself, the less you’ll feel the need for validation from other people.
3. Taking feedback way too personally
When you grow up in an environment where feedback is mostly critical, even a small comment from someone can feel like a personal attack. Someone might just be trying to help, but it could make you defensive or cause you to pull back. Instead of reacting emotionally, try to reframe how you view feedback. Rather than seeing it as a reflection of your worth, see it as a chance to improve or grow. It can help if you remind yourself that constructive criticism isn’t about who you are as a person, but about how you can become better at something. It takes a bit of practice, but over time, you’ll be able to handle feedback in a much more balanced way.
4. A deeply ingrained fear of failure
For many people, constant criticism growing up leads to a deep fear of failure. That fear can keep you from taking risks or trying new things because the thought of messing up feels too overwhelming. And when you’re always focused on avoiding failure, it can make you feel stuck. Reframing your relationship with failure is key to moving past it. Start seeing mistakes not as failures, but as opportunities to learn and grow. It’s okay to stumble—what matters is that you get back up and keep going. Every time you face a challenge, remember that it’s not about being perfect; it’s about giving it a go, learning from it, and growing.
5. People-pleasing behaviour
Many people who grew up with constant criticism developed a habit of trying to please everyone else at all costs just to avoid more judgement. You might find yourself always trying to meet people’s expectations, even at the expense of your own well-being. Breaking free from this cycle is important. Start by setting small boundaries and learning to say no without feeling guilty. Prioritising your own needs doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you healthy. The more you practice self-care and recognise that it’s okay to put yourself first, the easier it becomes to build more balanced, authentic relationships.
6. Keeping your feelings close to your chest
If vulnerability was met with judgement when you were younger, it can be really hard to let your guard down in relationships as an adult. You might be scared that sharing your true feelings will invite criticism, so you end up keeping things to yourself. But the truth is, close relationships thrive on trust and openness. Start by sharing small, non-threatening parts of yourself with people you trust. As time goes on, you’ll start feeling more comfortable being open and authentic. It’s all about recognising that not everyone will react negatively to your vulnerability.
7. Overachievement as a coping mechanism
Some people respond to childhood criticism by pushing themselves to excel in every area of their lives. Overachieving becomes a way to prove that they’re worthy or to cover up feelings of inadequacy. But the problem with this is that it often comes at the cost of their own health. It’s important to find a balance between working hard and practising self-compassion. Learn to celebrate your achievements without tying them to your self-worth. You don’t need to overextend yourself to feel good about who you are.
8. Constantly doubting your abilities
Source: Unsplash When you grew up with a lot of criticism and not enough encouragement, it’s easy to internalise that negativity and doubt your abilities, even in areas where you’re actually doing well. That self-doubt can hold you back and keep you from reaching your full potential. The key to tackling this is by challenging those negative thoughts and replacing them with positive affirmations. Reflect on your past successes and talk to people who support and believe in you. Over time, you’ll rebuild your confidence and let go of that nagging voice that tells you you’re not good enough.
9. Overthinking even the most minor decisions
If you were constantly under scrutiny as a child, it’s natural to overthink things as an adult. You might find yourself analysing every little decision to make sure it’s the right one, fearing that any misstep will lead to criticism. That kind of overthinking can be exhausting and prevent you from moving forward. Practising mindfulness and focusing on the present moment can really help. When you start reminding yourself that not every decision needs to be perfect, it can take some of the pressure off and allow you to take action more confidently.
10. Reluctance or even unwillingness to step outside your comfort zone
For those who’ve faced constant criticism, taking risks or trying new things can feel intimidating. The fear of failure or rejection can hold you back from pursuing opportunities that could lead to growth. Start by reframing how you think about risk. Instead of seeing it as something scary, see it as a chance to grow, regardless of the outcome. Start small and take manageable steps towards pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. With each success, no matter how small, you’ll build confidence to take bigger risks in the future.
11. Holding back your true self
When expressing yourself led to criticism or punishment as a child, it can make you hesitant to speak your truth as an adult. You might find it difficult to express your thoughts and feelings because you’re scared of being judged. Rebuilding your ability to express yourself starts with creating spaces where it’s safe to do so. Whether that’s through journaling, creative activities, or therapy, find ways to reconnect with your emotions and learn to communicate authentically. The more you practise, the easier it will get.
12. Having an inner self-critic that never shuts up
When you grow up with constant scrutiny, it’s easy to develop an inner voice that echoes those critical words, even as an adult. Your inner critic can eat away at your confidence and make you question your abilities and decisions. Replacing that critical voice with a more compassionate one is key to healing. Start practising self-compassion and reminding yourself of your strengths. Over time, this will help quiet the negative thoughts and build a more supportive inner dialogue.
13. Feeling anxious when you’re being judged
When you’re constantly evaluated as a child, it’s natural to carry that anxiety into adulthood. Whether it’s public speaking, job interviews, or social situations, you might feel overwhelmed by the fear of being judged. The good news is that with practice, you can manage your anxiety. Techniques like deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation can help you stay calm when you feel under pressure. By exposing yourself to evaluative situations in a low-stakes environment, you’ll start to feel more confident and less anxious over time.
14. A remarkable level of resilience
Despite all the challenges, many people who grew up in critical environments develop incredible resilience. They often learn to be adaptable, to bounce back from setbacks, and to turn their struggles into strengths. By focusing on how far you’ve come and celebrating your achievements, you can tap into that resilience and use it to create a fulfilling, meaningful life. Embracing the lessons from your past allows you to build healthier relationships and continue to grow in a way that honours your true potential.
