Your mother may have raised you to be strong, confident, and capable, but you’re also a human being, and you’re allowed to have the occasional wobble.
No one likes feeling vulnerable or overwhelmed, and it’s even worse when your mum expects you to maintain that stiff upper lip and never let anything get to you, no matter what’s going on in your life. While her generation might be used to just shutting up and getting on with it, that’s far from a healthy approach, and you’re not wrong for having feelings and struggles — and actually giving yourself space to experience them. Your mum’s expectations for you to take everything in your stride aren’t just unfair, they’re also inappropriate. Here’s how to respond to them.
1. Share your feelings honestly but gently.
Sometimes, the best way to respond is to let her know how her expectations make you feel. Say something like, “Mum, I know you see me as strong, but sometimes I feel like I need support too.” This opens the door to a conversation without placing blame. Honesty creates an opportunity for connection. She may not realise the pressure she’s putting on you until you express it. Framing it as your experience rather than her “fault” keeps the conversation constructive and focused on understanding each other better.
2. Set boundaries around emotional expectations.
If she leans on you too heavily, it’s okay to set limits. You might say, “I want to be there for you, but I also need time to take care of myself.” Boundaries are about creating balance, not cutting her off. By establishing these boundaries, you’re protecting your emotional well-being while still showing care. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s a healthy way to remind her that you’re human and need space to recharge too.
3. Ask her where her expectations come from.
If you feel comfortable, explore why she expects you to be so strong. Ask gently, “Did someone expect you to always be strong when you were younger?” This can help uncover deeper patterns or experiences that shaped her mindset. Understanding her perspective doesn’t mean excusing the pressure she places on you, but it can create empathy on both sides. It might even give her a chance to reflect on her own struggles and realise that you shouldn’t have to carry the same weight.
4. Show her that vulnerability is a form of strength.
Sometimes, people expect strength because they don’t understand the value of vulnerability. Lead by example and share moments where you’ve felt weak but learned or grown from it. For instance, “When I admitted I was struggling with [a particular issue], it actually made things better.” Demonstrating that strength doesn’t mean being invincible might shift her perspective. It can help her see that emotional openness is not a weakness, but a vital part of resilience and connection.
5. Redirect the conversation to shared support.
If she’s always looking to you for strength, suggest that you support each other instead. Try saying, “I know you need me to be strong, but maybe we can figure things out together.” It takes the pressure off you and creates a sense of partnership. Plus, it can help her feel less alone without relying solely on you. That’s because it encourages teamwork and mutual care, showing that strength isn’t about carrying the load alone, but about working through challenges side by side.
6. Remind her that asking for help isn’t weakness.
If she struggles to accept when you’re not strong, remind her that needing support is part of being human. You might say, “Even the strongest people need help sometimes — it’s how we get through tough moments.” Normalising the idea of asking for help can reduce the pressure she puts on both herself and you. It’s a way of showing her that strength is about finding ways to cope, not pretending everything is fine all the time.
7. When she’s being unfair, try a bit of push-back.
It’s okay to let her know when her expectations are too much. Say something like, “I love helping you, but sometimes it feels like I’m expected to be okay when I’m not.” This lets her know the impact of her expectations without being confrontational. Pushing back doesn’t have to mean creating conflict. It’s about advocating for yourself in a way that respects both your needs and hers. It can help her see that you’re not rejecting her; you’re simply trying to find balance.
8. Offer fixes that don’t rely entirely on you.
If she expects you to always be the one solving problems, suggest other resources or strategies. For example, “Have you thought about talking to [a friend, a therapist, or a support group]? They might have some helpful advice.” It can take some of the burden off your shoulders while still showing that you care. It’s a way to support her without sacrificing your own emotional energy, especially if her needs are ongoing or complex.
9. Use humour to lighten the pressure.
If the moment feels right, a little humour can go a long way. For example, “Mum, I might be strong, but even superheroes need a day off!” It keeps the tone light while still getting your point across. A bit of banter can defuse tension and make hard conversations feel less heavy. It’s a way of reminding her that you’re human too, without creating unnecessary conflict. Just make sure the joke feels kind, not dismissive.
10. Emphasise your love while setting limits.
Let her know that your boundaries come from a place of care, not rejection. Say something like, “I love you, and I want to help, but I need to make sure I’m taking care of myself too.” This keeps the focus on your shared relationship. By framing boundaries with love, you reassure her that your intentions are positive. It helps her see that taking care of yourself isn’t about distancing from her — it’s about ensuring you can show up fully when it matters most.
11. Have a deeper conversation about her needs.
If she expects strength from you, it might be because she’s carrying her own burdens. Ask, “What’s really been on your mind lately?” or “Is there something specific you need help with?” It might just open up the floor for a meaningful conversation. Sometimes, these expectations stem from unspoken fears or anxieties. Giving her the chance to express herself might ease her reliance on you as her sole source of strength. It also deepens your connection, turning pressure into partnership.
12. Remind her that strength looks different for everyone.
Strength isn’t one-size-fits-all, and it’s okay to remind her of that. For example, “Being strong doesn’t always mean pushing through — it can also mean knowing when to rest or ask for help.” It broadens her understanding of what strength really means. Helping her see that strength can take many forms might reduce her rigid expectations. It’s a way of encouraging her to redefine what it means to be “strong” for both herself and you.
13. Let her see your vulnerable side.
Sometimes, showing your own struggles can help her understand that constant strength isn’t realistic. Share something like, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed too lately,” to remind her that everyone has limits, including you. This kind of vulnerability can create empathy and help her see you as a whole person, not just a source of strength. It’s a way of encouraging mutual understanding and support, rather than one-sided expectations.
14. Celebrate the times you’ve been strong, but not alone.
Remind her of moments when you’ve overcome challenges with support, not by doing it all on your own. For example, “Remember when I got through [a tough time]? I couldn’t have done it without help.” It points out the importance of shared strength rather than individual resilience. It’s a way of showing her that asking for help doesn’t diminish your capabilities, it enhances them.
15. Accept that you can’t change her expectations overnight.
Adjusting someone’s perspective takes time, especially if they’ve held onto these beliefs for years. Be patient with her and with yourself as you navigate this dynamic. Change is a process, not an event. By staying consistent and compassionate, you can gradually shift the way she sees your role in her life. It’s about planting seeds of understanding and letting them grow over time. In the meantime, focus on protecting your own peace while maintaining the relationship.
