Everyone (well, pretty much everyone) has loveable qualities and deserves attention, affection, and care.
However, not everyone feels like they do. You might become so hyperfocused on your flaws that you think they make you unworthy of love. Or, maybe you’ve never truly experienced what it means to be loved, and as a result, you assume it must be because you don’t deserve it. When you’re grappling with intense feelings of self-loathing to that level, it’s important to recognise your state of mind and take steps to overcome it. If more than a few of these experiences resonate with you, it’s time to work on your self-esteem and find ways to embrace your inherent worth (a few suggestions for which are included here).
1. Compliments feel foreign or even offensive to you.
When you’ve struggled with feelings of being unloveable, compliments might make you feel awkward or uncomfortable. You might brush them off or even doubt the sincerity behind them because you’ve convinced yourself that you’re not worthy of praise. It’s like, when someone says something nice about you, it feels almost out of place. But here’s the thing: learning to just accept the compliment with a simple “thank you” is a good first step. It can feel strange at first, but letting those kind words sink in, even if it’s hard, helps challenge that belief that you’re undeserving of recognition.
2. You feel like a burden to everyone.
If you feel like you’re always asking for too much from people, whether it’s help or attention, that’s often a sign you’re carrying around the belief that you really don’t deserve love. You might hesitate to share your struggles because you’re scared of annoying or bothering others. The thing is, most people actually want to support you — it’s not a burden to them. Try opening up, even a little, to someone you trust. It’ll probably feel a little uncomfortable at first, but you’ll soon realise that sharing your thoughts doesn’t push people away; it actually brings you closer to them.
3. You expect rejection in relationships.
When you feel unloveable, it’s easy to assume that people will leave once they get to know the “real” you. You might keep others at a distance, not because you don’t care, but because you’re afraid of being rejected. Of course, believing that can make your relationships feel fragile or anxious. But here’s the truth: relationships are built on trust and understanding. Letting people see the real you, flaws and all, actually strengthens the connection. Give yourself the space to take small risks, like being vulnerable, and you’ll find that most of your fears around rejection aren’t grounded in reality.
4. You don’t set boundaries because you think they’ll make people love you even less.
When you’re convinced that no one could possibly love you (nor should they), it’s easy to go overboard in trying to please everyone or avoid any sort of drama or disagreement. You might say yes to everything, even when it’s not good for you because you’re scared of pushing people away. But setting boundaries doesn’t actually make you selfish; it shows you respect yourself. Start small by practising boundaries in low-stakes situations. Most of the time, the people who care about you will actually appreciate you more for being honest and assertive about your needs.
5. You never have a kind word to say about yourself.
If your inner voice is constantly pointing out your flaws, it’s no wonder you’re having trouble feeling lovable. Harsh self-criticism can make it feel like you’re always falling short. Instead of lifting yourself up, it keeps you stuck in self-doubt. The key here is practising self-compassion — talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. When you make a mistake, instead of tearing yourself down, try to see it as an opportunity to grow. Learning to be kind to yourself can slowly quiet that inner critic and help you see your worth.
6. You find it hard to believe people care about you.
Even when someone shows you kindness or affection, you might still struggle to believe they actually care. You might wonder if their kindness is just out of obligation, or if they’re secretly just tolerating you. It can be tough to accept love when you don’t feel like you deserve it. But if you take a step back and pay attention to the consistent actions of those around you — think checking in, offering support, or spending time with you — you’ll start to see that they do care. Allowing yourself to accept these gestures will help you rebuild trust and realise that people do care, just as you are.
7. You refuse to be vulnerable with other people.
Source: Unsplash When you feel unloveable, letting people see your true emotions can feel like a dangerous risk. You might worry that being vulnerable will push people away or prove your worst fear: that no one really cares. However, vulnerability is actually a way to connect more deeply with others. Sharing something personal with someone you trust, even just a small part of yourself, can create stronger, more meaningful relationships. With time, you’ll see that vulnerability doesn’t scare people off; it brings them closer to you.
8. You rely on other people’s approval to feel worthy.
If you’re constantly looking for praise or approval from others, it’s a sign that you might not feel worthy of love on your own. While compliments or achievements can feel good for a moment, relying on external validation can leave you feeling empty once it fades. Try to shift the focus back to yourself; acknowledge your own progress and celebrate the things you do, no matter how small. Building your sense of worth from within means you don’t need to wait for others to tell you you’re doing a good job — you’ll already know it.
9. You feel like you have to earn love.
When love feels conditional or tied to your achievements, it’s easy to start believing that you have to earn affection, approval, or care. It can leave you feeling drained, like you’re constantly trying to prove your worth. The reality is, love isn’t something you have to earn. True love and care come freely, without strings attached. Realising that you don’t need to prove yourself can be a huge relief because it frees you up to just be yourself and enjoy the love that’s already there, without feeling like you have to jump through hoops for it.
10. You don’t think your strengths or achievements count for much.
It’s easy to brush off your strengths or achievements as “no big deal” or “just luck” when you don’t really love yourself or think anyone else should. You might focus solely on what you think is wrong with you, ignoring all the amazing things you’ve accomplished or the positive qualities you have. Taking a moment to reflect on your strengths and successes is an important step in recognising your value. Make a list if it helps, and look back on it whenever self-doubt creeps in. Recognising and celebrating your own achievements helps you see that you’ve got plenty to be proud of.
11. You worry about being “too much.”
If you feel unloveable, you might think that your emotions or needs are “too much” for others to handle. You might tone yourself down, hide your feelings, or hold back from asking for what you need in relationships, thinking it’ll push people away. But the right people won’t be intimidated by your needs or emotions — they’ll embrace all of you, even the parts you might think are too much. Being true to yourself and sharing your authentic feelings helps create deeper, more meaningful connections. The people who care about you will be there for the whole package, not just the parts you think are easy to handle.
12. You avoid looking inward.
Source: Unsplash Sometimes, the busier you are or the more you focus on other people, the easier it is to avoid looking inward. Facing feelings of being unloveable can be tough and overwhelming, so you distract yourself with external tasks or needs. But taking a moment to pause, reflect, and dig a little deeper into your emotions can be really eye-opening. Whether through journaling, talking to a friend, or working with a therapist, allowing yourself to explore these feelings helps you uncover the root cause and take meaningful steps toward healing.
13. You push people away before they can leave.
You might unconsciously push people away before they have a chance to leave you, thinking that it’s obviously inevitable. That self-protective behaviour comes from a fear that people will eventually abandon you, so you distance yourself first. The problem is, that just creates more loneliness and reinforces the idea that you’re unworthy of love. Breaking the pattern starts with recognising when fear is driving your actions and taking small steps to let people in. Giving relationships the chance to grow, even if it feels scary, allows you to experience the care and connection you’ve always deserved.
