If you grew up with a parent who struggled with mental health issues, it might not have been clear at the time, but it probably affected you in ways you’re only still beginning to realise.
Some of the behaviour you thought was totally normal might have been anything but, and that can really mess you up. Whether your parent’s moods were all over the place, their parenting style was inconsistent, or they struggled with anxiety and depression, the ways that experience changes you as a person can be pretty intense. If you’re unsure whether the person or people who raised you might have struggled with mental stability, here are some signs they did.
1. Their moods changed quickly and without provocation.
Did you feel like you were walking on eggshells around your mum or dad? One minute they were affectionate and happy, and the next, they were angry or upset over something small. That kind of unpredictability can leave you constantly on edge, unsure of how to act or what would set them off. You might have even blamed yourself for their outbursts, even though you had no control over them. These emotional rollercoasters can stick with you into adulthood, making you more sensitive to shifts in other people’s moods and sometimes leading to avoidance or over-cautiousness in relationships.
2. They overreacted to minor problems.
Did every little problem seem like the end of the world with your parent? A spilled drink or forgotten errand could blow up into a full-on drama, leaving you confused or scared. Their reactions were often way bigger than the issue at hand, which could make it hard to feel safe. Growing up in that environment can make you more anxious about making mistakes or fearful of conflict. Even as an adult, you might second-guess yourself, questioning if minor issues are as big of a deal as they felt back then.
3. They were inconsistent with rules and routines.
Some days, your mum or dad might have let you do pretty much whatever you wanted, while other days, they were super strict. The inconsistency made it hard to know where you stood, leaving you feeling unsure about boundaries. It’s tough to develop your own sense of stability when you’re used to rules that change depending on your parent’s mood. As an adult, you might struggle to set clear boundaries with other people or find it hard to trust people when their behaviour is unpredictable. The good news is that recognising this pattern is the first step in creating a more balanced approach to your own life.
4. Everything was always about them.
Did it feel like your parent’s feelings and needs were always the centre of attention? Whether you were happy, upset, or just trying to talk, their emotions often took over the conversation. That can leave you feeling like your own experiences didn’t matter as much, affecting your self-worth and how you interact with people. In relationships, you might find yourself putting everyone else’s needs before your own, or struggling to ask for what you want because you’ve been conditioned to focus on other people. It takes time to unlearn this, but it’s an important step toward healthy self-care and balance.
5. They had unrealistic expectations of you.
Some parents expect their kids to act like adults before they’re ready, placing all sorts of responsibility on their shoulders. If your mum or dad relied on you emotionally or expected you to keep the household together, it could have been overwhelming. Those pressures often stick around as you get older, making you feel like you can’t relax or that you’re always falling short. Learning to be kinder to yourself and to let go of the need for perfection is essential for moving forward.
6. They never took responsibility for their actions.
If your parent could never admit they were wrong or blamed you or other people for their problems, it likely left you carrying the weight of their actions. Growing up like this can make you feel like everything is your fault, even when it clearly isn’t. That kind of dynamic can leave you struggling to stand up for yourself or over-apologising for things that aren’t your fault. Recognising it and realising you don’t always have to carry the blame is an important step in reclaiming your confidence.
7. They were emotionally unavailable.
Some parents struggle to connect emotionally, which can leave their kids feeling isolated or unseen. If your mum or dad was distant, didn’t show affection, or was dismissive of your feelings, it can leave a lasting gap. All that emotional unavailability can affect how you open up to people later in life, making it hard to trust that anyone will be there for you. It’s not easy to change, but understanding where this comes from can help you build more meaningful and open connections as an adult.
8. They used guilt as a weapon.
If guilt was used to manipulate or control your actions, it probably felt pretty heavy to carry. Whether they made you feel bad for wanting your independence or guilt-tripped you into doing things their way, it created a confusing dynamic. That kind of manipulation can leave you feeling responsible for other people’s emotions or actions, and it can also make it difficult to set healthy boundaries. Learning to recognise when guilt is being unfairly used against you is key to reclaiming your personal space and sense of autonomy.
9. They had intense reactions to your independence.
Did it feel like your parent couldn’t handle you growing up? If they became upset or angry when you started asserting your independence, whether by spending time with friends or making your own choices, it could’ve made you feel guilty for wanting to grow. Such a huge overreaction to your personal growth might make you hesitant to make decisions that are right for you later in life. Realising that their reaction was about their own struggles, not about you, is an important part of gaining the confidence to live your life on your terms.
10. They made you feel like you were the problem.
If your mum or dad blamed you for problems, even when you had nothing to do with them, it could have been deeply confusing and damaging. That kind of behaviour makes you question yourself, and over time, it can create a lot of self-doubt. You might find yourself accepting blame even when it’s not yours to take. Breaking free from this pattern involves recognising when blame is being unfairly placed on you and learning to trust your own perspective.
11. You were their sole source of emotional support.
If your mum or dad leaned on you for emotional support in an unhealthy way, it might have left you feeling overwhelmed and unsure of your role in the relationship. When a parent relies on their child as their main emotional support, it can create a lot of pressure. It can also make you feel like you have to put everyone else’s emotional needs before your own. Understanding that you weren’t responsible for their emotional wellbeing is an important step in healing and learning to establish healthier boundaries.
12. They created a chaotic home environment.
If your parent’s instability created a tense or unpredictable environment at home, it might have been hard to relax or feel safe. That kind of environment can leave lasting impressions, shaping how you feel about stability as an adult. You might find yourself craving control or stability, or on the flip side, you might feel more comfortable in chaos, as that’s what you knew growing up. Recognising this pattern helps you move towards creating a more secure and balanced life for yourself.
13. They ignored your emotional needs.
Did you feel like your emotions were often dismissed or ignored? If your mum or dad couldn’t acknowledge your feelings or didn’t validate your experiences, it could have left you feeling invisible. As you get older, you might struggle to express your emotions, or downplay your needs to avoid rejection. Reconnecting with your feelings and learning to express them in a healthy way is a crucial part of healing from the experience.
14. They overstepped or ignored your boundaries altogether.
If your mum or dad overstepped your boundaries, whether it was by invading your privacy or making decisions for you, it might have made it hard to know where you stood. Learning to recognise your boundaries and assert them in relationships is a key part of healing. You have the right to say “no” without feeling guilty, and that’s something that can take time to unlearn, but it’s essential for your mental and emotional health.
15. They were always competing with you.
Did it ever feel like your parent was in competition with you? Whether it was over achievements, attention, or even relationships, it might have left you feeling like you couldn’t win. It can be a confusing dynamic, as parents are supposed to lift you up, not compete with you. It might make you hesitant to celebrate your own successes, or even cause you to downplay your achievements. Understanding that their behaviour wasn’t about you can help you embrace your own victories without guilt.
16. They always made themselves the victim.
If your mum or dad often positioned themselves as the victim, it could have made you feel like you were responsible for their happiness or wellbeing. That level of emotional manipulation can be exhausting and unfair. Learning to prioritise your own needs and recognise when someone is using victimhood to manipulate you is a crucial part of breaking free from that cycle.
