When the child you raised to be gentle and kind grows up to be an angry, aggressive adult, it can be incredibly tough to deal with.
As a parent, it leaves you feeling confused, heartbroken, and unsure of how to regain peace within the relationship, especially when you’re unsure what caused the change in behaviour. While there’s no simple solution, understanding the dynamics at play and taking thoughtful steps can help create a safer, more manageable environment for everyone involved. While the right approach will depend on your unique situation — and your child’s unique personality — here are some to consider that might help.
1. Acknowledge the situation honestly.
It’s tough to face, but pretending it’s not happening won’t help anyone. Recognising that your child’s aggression is a problem is the first step to getting things back on track. I know it’s easy to brush it off or blame yourself, but facing it head-on helps you figure out the next steps. You don’t need to feel guilty, especially when you’ve done nothing wrong — it’s just about being real with what’s going on so you can address it properly.
2. Put some clear boundaries in place and stick to them without exception.
Without clear boundaries, things can quickly spiral out of control. Let your child know what’s okay and what’s not, even if they push back. Boundaries are there for everyone’s safety, and sticking to them helps you regain some control in the situation. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s necessary. Being consistent with boundaries is key — if something crosses the line, calmly enforce it and stand by your word.
3. Try to figure out and address the underlying causes of their behaviour.
Aggression doesn’t just pop up out of nowhere. There could be deeper issues at play, like mental health struggles, substance abuse, or old resentments. It’s not your job to fix these things, but understanding what’s driving the behaviour can help guide your next moves. If they’re not open to talking about it, consider getting some advice from a professional who can give you tools to manage the situation better. Knowing what’s behind the anger can help you approach it with more patience.
4. Don’t take the behaviour personally.
It’s hard not to feel hurt when the anger is aimed at you, but remember — this behaviour is often about their struggles, not your parenting. It can sting, but if you take it personally, it’ll cloud your ability to handle things calmly. By focusing on the behaviour and not your feelings, you’ll be able to react more clearly. Remember, their actions aren’t a reflection of you as a parent.
5. Put your safety first.
If things get physical, or you feel unsafe, your well-being needs to come first. It can feel weird to protect yourself from your own child, but it’s important to recognise when things are going too far. Your safety isn’t something to compromise on. If necessary, don’t hesitate to involve authorities to make sure everyone is protected. You don’t need to give up on your relationship, and you shouldn’t — it’s about creating space to address the issue safely.
6. Get outside support from someone who’s qualified to help.
You don’t have to go through this alone. Whether it’s friends, family, or professionals, talking it out can provide you with a fresh perspective and emotional support. Sometimes just venting can lighten the load. Therapists or support groups that specialise in family dynamics can also give you advice tailored to your situation. It’s okay to ask for help when you need it, you know. It doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means you’re doing what’s best for everyone involved.
7. Encourage professional help for your child.
If your child’s behaviour is becoming a pattern, suggesting therapy or counselling could be a big step forward. But here’s the thing: it has to be their choice to engage with it. Pushing too hard can backfire and make the problem even worse. Gently express your concern and let them know how getting help could benefit them. Offer to help them find a therapist or resources, but ultimately, they have to want to take that step.
8. Keep your enabling behaviours to a minimum.
Sometimes, whether out of love or fear of conflict, we unintentionally make things worse by accommodating aggressive behaviour. Maybe you avoid confrontation, or make excuses to keep the peace, but this only reinforces the negative patterns. You’ve got to set limits on what you will tolerate — emotionally and financially. It’s tough, but making sure that you’re not enabling their behaviour shows them that there are consequences. It’s not about punishing them, it’s about creating a healthier way of interacting.
9. Hold onto emotional control.
Obviously, it’s tempting to respond with anger or frustration when they lash out, but reacting that way usually makes things worse. Staying calm during heated moments helps de-escalate the situation and keeps the focus on solving the issue. It’s not easy, but when you can stay composed, you’re showing them how to handle things without losing control. Breathing deeply or taking a moment before responding can really help you stay grounded.
10. Recognise when you need to detach.
Sometimes, stepping back for a while is necessary for your own well-being. It’s not about giving up, but about protecting yourself so you can approach the situation from a clearer head. A bit of space can give both of you time to reflect and reassess the relationship. It might even serve as a wake-up call for them. Giving yourself this breathing room isn’t a bad thing — it’s a way to reset and get the perspective you need.
11. Don’t retaliate, whatever you do.
When they get aggressive, your first instinct might be to fight back, but responding in kind usually just makes everything worse. Instead, focus on staying calm and not engaging in the back-and-forth. When you don’t match their energy, it helps to lower the temperature of the argument and gives you both a better chance at a constructive conversation. It’s about protecting the relationship, not feeding the conflict.
12. Focus on what you can control.
You can’t control someone else’s behaviour, but you can control how you respond. Focus on setting boundaries, staying calm, and making decisions that keep you safe. Shifting the focus to what you can manage helps you feel more in control and less frustrated. By prioritising your own actions and responses, you’ll build a healthier dynamic, even if things aren’t perfect right away.
13. Make sure you’re offering yourself a bit of compassion, too.
It’s easy to feel guilty when things aren’t going well, but remember — you’re doing the best you can. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself credit for trying to navigate this tough situation. Taking care of yourself — whether it’s through taking breaks, talking things out with a friend, or just doing something that makes you feel good — helps you stay strong. Self-compassion gives you the emotional resilience to keep going, even when things feel overwhelming.
14. Rebuild trust gradually.
Source: Unsplash If trust has been damaged, it’ll take time to rebuild. It won’t happen overnight, but with patience and consistent effort, you can start to restore it. Start with small, steady steps — calm conversations, setting clear boundaries, and following through on your commitments. Even little victories help pave the way for bigger changes. Over time, you’ll both begin to feel more secure in the relationship again.
15. Know when legal intervention might be necessary.
In the most extreme cases, when aggression becomes dangerous, you might need to get legal protection to ensure safety. It’s not something anyone wants to consider, but sometimes it’s necessary. Taking legal action doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent — it’s about putting safety first. Restraining orders or involving law enforcement can give you the space you need to resolve the situation safely.
