When you’re in an unhappy relationship, the solution is usually to leave it behind.
However, walking away from someone and something you’ve invested so much in is easier said than done. Even if you know the connection is gone or that you’d both be much better off on your own (or at least not with each other), that doesn’t make the thought of ending things any less gut-wrenching. If you continue to stay long after you’ve realised you should leave, ask yourself these questions to get to the bottom of what’s really going on.
1. Am I staying because I’m afraid to be alone?
It’s totally natural to feel afraid of being on your own, but you’ve got to ask yourself if that’s the only thing keeping you in the relationship. Sure, loneliness isn’t fun, but is staying with someone simply to avoid that feeling the best reason? Being single can actually be empowering, offering a chance to rediscover who you are and what you really want from life. So, take a step back and consider whether the relationship is genuinely adding value to your life, or if it’s just serving as a temporary distraction from being alone.
2. Do I still feel like myself in this relationship?
Sometimes, when you’re stuck in an unhappy relationship, you start to lose sight of who you really are. If you feel like you’ve been shrinking yourself, walking on eggshells, or putting your true feelings aside, it might be time to take a hard look at whether this relationship is helping you grow or holding you back. A healthy partnership should encourage you to be your full self, not make you feel like you have to shrink to fit into someone else’s idea of who you should be.
3. Am I holding on to the past instead of focusing on the present?
It’s easy to get caught up in the “good old days” of a relationship — the honeymoon phase, the happy memories, the dreams you shared. But the past doesn’t always reflect the present, and clinging to what once was can stop you from seeing the reality of what things are like now. Ask yourself if you’re making decisions based on nostalgia instead of the way things are today. Relationships need to work in the here and now, not just in the memories you’ve built.
4. Am I staying for other people’s sake?
There’s a lot of pressure from family, friends, or society to keep certain relationships intact, especially when kids are involved or when everyone expects you to stay. But are you staying for their sake, or for your own happiness? It’s easy to get trapped in the idea that staying together is what everyone expects, but your well-being matters too. Ask yourself if you’re living your life for other people’s approval, or if you’re living it for yourself. It’s important to remember that your happiness counts just as much as anyone else’s.
5. Have I communicated my needs clearly?
A lot of unhappiness in relationships comes from unmet needs or unspoken expectations. If you’ve been feeling dissatisfied, have you told your partner what you need or how you feel? Sometimes, people stay quiet because they’re afraid to rock the boat, but your partner can’t address something they don’t know about. If you haven’t had an honest conversation about what’s not working, it might be time to open up and communicate your needs clearly.
6. Do I feel supported emotionally, mentally, and physically?
Take a moment to really think about whether your partner is there for you in the ways that truly matter. Are they listening when you need to talk? Do they offer emotional support when you’re down, or are they dismissive? A strong relationship should make you feel supported and uplifted, not drained or neglected. If you feel like you’re constantly giving without receiving, that’s a sign something needs to change.
7. Am I afraid of starting over?
The idea of starting over can be intimidating, no question about it. Leaving a relationship means stepping into the unknown, and that’s scary. But you’ve got to ask yourself if the fear of starting fresh is really enough to stay in something that’s no longer working. Sometimes, the fear of change holds us back from the possibility of something better. Are you staying because it’s comfortable, or are you holding on because you’re afraid of what’s on the other side?
8. Do I feel respected in this relationship?
Respect is non-negotiable. It’s fundamental to any healthy relationship. If your partner dismisses your feelings, belittles you, or makes you feel small, that’s a major red flag. Relationships can’t thrive without mutual respect. If you’re not being treated as an equal, it’s time to think long and hard about whether this relationship is worth fighting for.
9. Have I stopped trying to make things better?
At some point, it’s easy to emotionally check out. You stop putting in the effort because it feels like you’re the only one trying, or you’ve just become numb to the situation. Ask yourself if you’ve stopped trying to make things work, and if so, why? Have you lost hope, or have you simply run out of energy? If you’re not invested in improving the relationship anymore, it’s a sign that things may already have run their course.
10. Is this relationship affecting my mental health?
When a relationship starts to feel like a constant source of stress, anxiety, or unhappiness, that’s a big red flag. A relationship should feel like a source of support and safety, not a source of constant emotional turmoil. If your relationship is starting to wear you down mentally, it’s time to seriously consider whether it’s worth holding on to, especially if it’s having a negative impact on your overall health.
11. Am I staying because of how much I’ve invested?
The “sunk cost” fallacy is real. You might think, “I’ve already spent so much time, energy, and emotional investment in this relationship, I can’t just walk away now.” But staying because of what you’ve already put in doesn’t guarantee a better future. The past doesn’t dictate the future, and staying for the sake of past investments often means sacrificing your own happiness. Ask yourself if that investment is worth more than your happiness today.
12. Do I feel like my partner is willing to work on things too?
Relationships take effort from both sides. If you’re the only one trying to fix things, that’s a problem. Ask yourself if your partner is willing to meet you halfway, make changes, and work on the relationship. If they’re checked out or uninterested, it’s going to be hard for things to improve. A partnership is supposed to be a two-way street, so make sure both of you are committed to making it work.
13. Do I feel safe expressing my true feelings?
Emotional safety is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. If you feel like you have to hide your true feelings or walk on eggshells to avoid conflict, that’s a red flag. A relationship should be a space where you can be yourself, speak your mind, and express your feelings without fear of backlash. If you’re constantly worried about how your partner will react to your emotions, it might be time to rethink the relationship.
14. What do I really want for my future?
This is the big question. It helps to zoom out and think about the bigger picture: Is this relationship helping you get to where you want to be in life? Does it align with your long-term goals and the life you want to build? Sometimes we stay because we’re too focused on the moment or afraid of making the wrong decision, but it’s important to be honest with yourself about whether this relationship is helping you move forward or holding you back.
