Stubbornness can be a useful quality in life, but it can also be an infuriating one if you happen to be in a relationship with someone who has it.
If your partner’s stubbornness keeps them from accepting responsibility for their actions, hearing you out, or accepting your perspectives, you end up feeling like you’re talking to a brick wall, and that’s not nice. However, it doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. You can get through to them by doing a few simple things (and save your sanity in the process).
1. Choose the right time to talk.
Source: Unsplash Timing’s everything. Trying to have a serious conversation when your partner’s stressed or distracted probably isn’t the best idea. Wait for a calm, relaxed moment when you both have the mental space to actually talk. This way, they’re more likely to listen and engage in a productive discussion.
2. Focus on “we” rather than “you.”
Using “we” instead of “you” can make all the difference. Instead of saying, “You need to do this,” try something like, “We could work on this together.” It makes it feel like you’re a team working towards the same goal, not two sides arguing.
3. Start with empathy.
Even if you don’t agree with their point of view, acknowledging and validating their feelings can go a long way in easing the tension. Starting with “I can see why you’d feel that way” or “I understand why this might be hard for you” shows that you’re listening, and you respect where they’re coming from. It’s an easy way to create a softer, more open space for conversation, which can prevent your partner from immediately shutting down.
4. Stay calm and composed.
Getting frustrated or raising your voice when your partner is being stubborn is just going to make things worse. It’ll only add fuel to the fire and make them even more resistant. So, take a deep breath and keep your tone calm, your body language open, and your words measured. This lets them know you’re coming from a place of care and not frustration. By staying calm, you’re setting the tone for the conversation and encouraging your partner to respond in kind.
5. Use examples to illustrate your point.
Rather than talking in generalities or abstract terms, use concrete examples to show how their actions (or lack of) affect things. For instance, if you’re discussing household chores, instead of saying, “You never help out,” mention specific moments like, “Last week, I ended up doing all the cleaning, and it felt overwhelming.” It helps make your point clear and tangible, rather than something that can be brushed off as just an opinion.
6. Be patient—it’s a process.
If you’re looking for quick results, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Getting through to a stubborn partner isn’t an instant process—it’s about steady, consistent effort. You might not get them to budge on the first try, or even the second or third. That’s okay. Focus on small wins, like a slight change in their behaviour or attitude. Gradual progress is still progress, and it helps build trust and understanding over time.
7. Appeal to their values.
Stubborn people often have strong beliefs and values that guide their decisions. So, if you can frame your conversation in a way that speaks to their values, they’re more likely to listen. For example, if they care deeply about fairness or honesty, highlight how your suggestion aligns with that value. By showing how your point of view supports their core principles, you’re more likely to get through to them.
8. Avoid ultimatums.
No one likes to be cornered into a decision, especially someone who’s stubborn. Ultimatums only raise defences and create an environment of “me against you.” Instead of demanding a decision, focus on creating a healthy, productive conversation. The goal is to find a solution together, not to force one. You’ll get a much better response when both of you are part of the conversation, instead of one person feeling pressured to comply.
9. Choose your battles wisely.
Not every issue needs to turn into a long-winded debate. When you’re dealing with a stubborn partner, it’s helpful to recognise which issues are really worth addressing and which ones can slide. Some things just aren’t worth the energy, so let the little stuff go and focus on the big things that matter. When you save your energy for the important stuff, you’re more likely to have a productive discussion when it counts.
10. Ask open-ended questions.
Instead of making statements that could sound like criticism, try asking questions that encourage your partner to think about their position. A question like, “What do you think might happen if we tried this approach?” invites them to reflect, rather than shutting down. Asking questions also shows you’re genuinely interested in their perspective and not just looking to impose your own.
11. Give them time to process.
If you’re trying to get through to a stubborn partner, you might not always get an immediate response, and that’s okay. Don’t pressure them for an answer right away. Give them time to think about what you’ve said and reflect on it. Sometimes, they need a bit of space to process before they’re ready to engage in a meaningful conversation. Respect their pace, and trust that the conversation will happen when they’re ready.
12. Use positive reinforcement.
When your partner makes even a small effort to meet you halfway, make sure to acknowledge it. Positive reinforcement helps to build good habits and encourages them to keep up the effort. A simple “I really appreciate how we worked through that together” goes a long way in making them feel appreciated and more open to compromise in the future.
13. Avoid pointing out their stubbornness.
Calling your partner stubborn only makes them more defensive. Rather than pointing fingers, focus on the issue itself and the steps you both can take to resolve it. Labelling them just adds unnecessary conflict to the situation and distracts from the real goal: finding a solution.
14. Share your feelings instead of assigning blame.
Instead of saying, “You always do this,” try expressing how it makes you feel. For example, “I feel frustrated when this happens” is a lot less likely to make them defensive and more likely to invite empathy. When you focus on your feelings, it opens the door for them to understand your perspective without feeling blamed.
15. Highlight the benefits of compromise.
Stubborn people often resist change because they don’t see how it benefits them. So, point out how compromising could make things better for both of you. For example, “If we try this, it might save us time and make life a little easier.” Framing it this way helps them see the practical benefits of being more flexible.
16. Lead by example.
If you want your partner to be more open-minded and willing to compromise, show them how it’s done. Your actions speak louder than words, and when they see you being flexible, they’re more likely to follow suit. Over time, this sets a positive example and encourages more balanced communication between you both.
